DarthTex

Stellar_Magic wrote: But that was after conquering a good chunk of the galaxy and "growing" new ships. Were the worldships the only ships the Vong used in the interstellar travel? Did they have a fleet of ships "docked" with the worldship when they reached the target galaxy?

Happy Birthday to B&R! How old/young are you now?

The only thing I have read, is that the sugar (and NOT high fructose corn syrup, but real sugar) in (the original) regular cola triggers a reaction in the body to let the person know "I have enough sugar, thank you". But, the high fructose corn syrup and aspartame don't trigger this reaction, so theoretically you could drink this stuff forever until you POP

I think you hit the "fish" right on the head

to quote yourself Mad78 Not bad for a first try. I hate to image what I would do

Mitth_raw_nuruodo wrote: There was no mistake. It was during the calculation of the natural logarithm e raised to the exponential power of i (which is the square root of -1) multiplied by pi (you know, the neverending number 3.14159265359...)

Technically there is a user "zoot", his/her marker "may" have been placed by others for their own (nefarious) reasons. Users Wuherclone and Ender702 do exist as registered users, and there is a user by the name of Vel Koon (maybe Vel is just a short version, like Mitth )

I once thought I made a mistake ... but I was wrong

The original BG (Battlestar Galatica) looks more Star Wars-esque (due to proximity of start dates, as well as the technology for making models and the modelers themselves with the beginnings of the SW universe). The new BG has a darker more sinister look (no-nonsense, kill or be killed), which I'm sure is what they intended. It doesn't look like "too" much has changed from the Vipers though (I did like that "Turbo" button )

You are correct Mitth. I had earlier found out Vader was on his way to the Sesswenna sector (which is where I was sending Luke), when Luke decided to run off to Dagobah. When he got back, I forgot about going after Vader again (he's probably moved on by now)

I write technical reports, so I tend to keep to the important things, interesting details, and NOT to create a novel (though with the number of posts necessary to complete this game, it could be). Day 500, current status: The Imperial war machine is faintly starting to awake. There's a little more action on their part now than before (details later). At approximately day 350, R&D has reported the Advanced Shipyard (ASY) is now available. For the time being I going to start upgrading my shipyards at Drall & Orto, while other ACY's start constructing additional mines/refineries. All facility R&D is exhausted at day 432. Lando & Talon Karrde have become diplomats in the outer rim. Adar Tallon has gone to Orto for ship R&D. Sesswenna sector: Uvena has an LNR II battery and a Gen Core on the way. But I need troops for defense, otherwise the Empire will just assault and take over the system (which I upgraded for them). Uvena has become my POW port-of-call. As soon as they arrive I ship them to the Jospro sector (on the other side of the galaxy). I'm going for the "you can't escape in hyperspace" prison. I've based my Corellian raider fleet here (2 Neb-B's and 2 corvettes). The fleet has been hitting a couple of the systems taking out the Tie fighter defenses. Some also have the Tie interceptor squadrons. I tried a bombardment at Bortras and accidentally hit an Imperial shipyard. Popular opinion of the Alliance took a hit as Averam just joined the Empire. I enticed an Imperial fleet (3 Vic ISD's, 1 carrack and 1 galleon) away from Coruscant by blocading Svivren. My fleet retreated to Uvena, then set out again. I went to a couple of more systems and wiped out the Tie defenses, before I ran into that Imperial fleet again. Intelligence shows ISD's are under construction at Chandrilla (number 5, that is). They eventually went to Uvena and drove me out of the sector (unfortunately not back to Drall, but to Skor II in the Calaron sector. One of my Neb-B's has almost no shield generators anymore and I need to get back to Drall for repairs. Corellian sector: Several Alliance army troops have arrived, I've put a couple on the bulk transport and sent them off to colonize the Churba sector. The plan is to construct ACY's on a medium sized central system, then build a super ATF system (to get me some troops!), and colonize the remainder of the sector. After the ATF's are complete, the ACY's will construct mines/refineries for the other systems. Luke has left to visit Yoda. My token fleet has added another Neb-B, with another under construction. For the time being I'm going to concentrate on Neb-B's and pass on the Mon Cal cruisers. Since I can't "duke it out" with the Imperial Navy (and would have to flee anyway), I'll go with something quicker to build and use for raids. I've sent the fleet (without fighters) to raid in the Sesswenna sector (see previous). I have an escort carrier halfway complete, with 10 X wings in planetary defense. The ACY's have completed the ACY's for the Churba sector and are now upgrading the SY's to ASY's. Luke has returned from Dagobah, and I've sent him to Hoth temporarily (Leia is on a diplomacy mission at Allyuen. I'll send Luke to Allyuen to do diplomacy also (when it's complete, they can have a "family chat"). Fakir sector: Intelligence reports show systems without facilities are getting mines and refineries. Sluis sector: All Alliance systems are currently at 100% loyalty. Luke has been sent to Drall (for diplomacy) and will then go to Uvena, then the outer rim. Leia and Willard have been sent to different outer rim sectors to secure an Alliance base. From there I can build up troops and have a transport colonize the other systems. An Imperial raiding fleet (2 dreadnaughts) is systematically going through the sector. As soon as I get a message a system in under blocade, they're gone. At Sluis Van I have 3 X-wings (that's how I was able to determine the Imperial ship types and number). I took out the 2 Tie fighters then retreated. One X-wing squadron had been damaged. My SY's at Orto have completed another Neb-B, and are currently producing some more X-wings. After which I want to build an escort carrier and another Neb-B. Then this fleet should be ready for some raids into the Fakir sector. The ACY's on Bpfassh on upgrading the Orto SY's to ASY's. I loaded up the fleet (3 Neb's, 2 corvettes and 1 escort carrier, with full fighter coverage) and sent them to the Farfin sector instead (Intelligence shows some new Imperial ships arriving in sector, one is a Lancer). Another Imperial dreadnaught has shown up raiding in this sector. It has bombarded the Sluis Van, Mon Calamari and Umgul systems wiping out my garrison troops. Bothawui has joined the Empire (Pter Thanas doing diplomacy), but Kothlis is still neutral. As soon as the X-wings at Orto are complete, I will work on getting more Neb-B's. I've redistributed garrison troops through out the sector. Crap! A natural disaster has hit Orto. I've lost 3 SY's, 3 ASY's and all system defenses (like I'm going to need them anyway, now). I've sent all fighters so far complete to Bpfassh and Sluis Van. The ACY's are now building 5 ASY's at Sluis Van. Farfin sector: I now have my spies working on my own systems. Carlist Rieekan has been injured during an assassination attempt. There are quite a few Imperial missions coming now, mostly recon but some spying, sabotage and assassinations. I've been using my characters to do spy/sabotage missions on the Imperial systems. My infiltrators have just abducted Labansat. I also use them to sabotage Imperial missions, as I don't have enough to conduct the number of missions I want against the Empire. Rieekan has just healed, and is going back to being a General on Phraetiss. My fleet from Sluis Van has arrived. I'm sending them to Byss where an Imperial fleet is sitting. The Imperial fleet (1 Vic ISD and 1 carrack) retreats, leaving the 4 Tie fighters to fend for themselves. They do down quickly. There are no targets on Byss, so now to Bilbringi. The Imperial fleet (from Byss) is here along with 8 Tie interceptors. The Imperials decide to fight it out. I have my fleet initially go after the Tie interceptors. I've lost a couple of X-wings, but I'm getting quite a few Tie interceptors. After approximately half the Tie interceptors are gone, the Imperial fleet retreats. They got a few shots at my Neb-B's (minor shield damage), but I don't pursue (concentrating on the fighters). The system is defended by a Gen Core, so I send for a sabotage mission from Phraetiss. The fleet moves on to Khomm. After taking out the Tie defenses, I have infiltrators sent to the fleet. They eliminate the Gen Core and I wipe out 3 Stormtrooper regiments. I then head to Kinyen which shows a troop build up (9 enroute). The Gen Core on Bilbringi has just been destroyed. At Kinyen the Imperial Vic ISD is there with 8 Tie interceptors (I don't know where the carrack has gone). I now only have 6 X-wings, 2 of which are damaged. I send my 3 Neb-B's after the Vic ISD and everything else after the Tie interceptors. The Vic ISD is taking a punishment, but is concentrating on my slightly wounded Neb-B. The Tie interceptors are being whittled down, but so are my X-wings. When the Vic ISD's shields are gone and he's taking hull damage, he turns to retreat. I don't get too many more shots before he's gone. The Tie interceptors are finally dealt with, but I now have only 2 X-wings left. I use the infiltrators to destroy the Gen Core and then bombard the 3 Stormtrooper regiments. I head back to Bilbringi to take care of their garrison troops. I have sent 3 Y & 6 X-wings from the Sluis sector to Phraetiss for replacements, and then send my fleet to Phraetiss for some R&R (rest & relaxation). Imperial missions have slowed down quite abit since I started raiding. Intelligence shows new Imperial ships on their way (1 Lancer and 2 ISD's). I'm going to need more firepower to take on these guys, so either I'll have my other fleet (currently at Skor II - 2 corvettes & 2 Neb B's) join up, or I'll send my fleet to the Dolomar sector. Dolomar sector: Crix Madine has been injured on a spy mission with Han (the mission failed). My spies are busy just trying to keep up with all of the Imperial missions coming at me (on Caprionril). I'm just starting to receive some additional Sullustan garrison troops, so they should help detect Imperial missions. Also, an LNR II battery and 2 Gen Cores have arrived to bolster system defenses (that were previously sabotaged). I think for the time being, Caprionril will be my "sponge" for Imperial missions (as long as I can keep detecting/stopping them, they can't use those forces on me else where, where I might not be as prepared for them). Han & Chewie will keep doing the spy/sabotage missions as much as possible. This is only working about half the time. Chewie has been captured on Phorliss. I want to rescue him, but I don't have the resources just yet. There's a constant flow of Imperial missions to Caprionril. I have Han, Crix Madine, Bren Derlin and 1 infiltrator squad constantly trying to take them out. Mostly they get foiled before I can destroy the units, but occasionally I get lucky. Intelligence shows a plethora of nogrhi, recon droids and commandos on Phorliss and Balfron. I've sent Han and Crix Madine to try and sabotage some of these. Usually they're gone by the time Han gets there, or the mission gets foiled. I have 11 infiltrators being sent from the ATF's on Firro. When they get here I'll rescue Chewie and go after some of these other units. Colonization of the outer sectors Sumitra, Jospro and Orus is complete. My super ACY systems on Yavin (Sumitra sector) & Kiffex (Jospro sector) are currently producing mines/refineries. I've changed my mind about C3PO building mines/refineries (currently it would be a hassle, making all my CY's "reserved" so he can manage 1 ACY system. I'll just do it myself for now). As soon as the Kiffex ACY's have completed its assignment, I will make ASY's for my super ASY system. Currently, the Glythe and Atrivis sectors are being explored, all other sectors are complete. I'm trying to get at least one or two systems in each sector, so I can stockpile some garrison troops than have transports deliver them. Diplomats will have to take care of any neutral systems. There are only five outer rim sectors that have no Alliance presence (but have been totally explored). Maintenance is currently 700+ (and fluctuates +/- 100) as things get built and mines/refineries produced, with about 60+ raw material points. I have approximately 10 more refineries than mines (trying to work on that raw material surplus), but there is a time delay of about twice to get units delivered. Alliance headquarters is still located on the Chazwa system in the Orus sector.

You already have a topic for this so there's no need to start another one. If you're expecting quick answers ... don't, this is a "forum" not a "chat room". Give the people some time to think, then respond (if they want to that is).

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.' The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, 'How are you doing? Are you happy here?' The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!

The European Unio n commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c." Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter! In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze first plas. OK, I got this joke to finally post. The kicker, for some reason if the text for the word (spaces are intentional) "U n i o n" appear in this post, I get sent to the main page when I hit "Preview" or "Submit". Go figure Oh, and PS: Have fun correcting this post Tofu

AdmiralToguroAni wrote: Have you thought that maybe because of the government's "enhanced" scrutiny, that's why there hasn't been another attack? The media likes to dwell on the negative and the government doesn't want their "bad guys" to know the methods, but maybe there have been several more attempts? What to do think would better serve the public good: keeping quiet that other terrorists have captured/foiled, or to come out publicly telling everyone that several attempts have been stopped so the public feels good or worried (and the terrorists now change their plans to something else)? As much as I want to know, I don't want to know. Just keep up the good work government employees.

You guys surprise me Here's our chance to start our own little "Empire", and you're complaining?! You sound like a bunch of whining rebels. As long as the the government (Empire) practices its dictates on someone else it's OK, but on me? Nooooo way. Order must be maintained! Gotcha! A question: if you're not doing anything illegal (not ill - eagle, Tofu), what do you care if the gov't tracks what cell phones enter/leave cities? The same applies to phone conversations. Deep down inside, are you afraid that someONE would abuse their job and "fix" information against you? Or that some political hack would twist things around to burn anyone possible to move up the political ladder? It almost sounds like a SW movie theme/plot. And who says they're not doing it now anyway? Their (the gov'ts) problem is presenting the evidence without showing they got it illegally. Illegal evidence doesn't work in court. Absolute power, corrupts absolutely. So, don't give them absolute power.

Don't worry about it. If it's an interesting topic, go ahead and post away. But, if the said thread was asking a question and expecting an answer, you're very late with the answer , so skip it. Welcome to the forums!!

Testing ... testing ... testing, testing, testing ... Ugh!!!! I typed this whole thing in manually and it DIED!!!!

Day 300, current status: Not too terribly much has happened, but I will give a status anyway: At about day 240 all recruitment of personnel was exhausted. R&D on facilities is top priority (I want the advanced SY ASAP). Most of my CY's are already or soon to be upgraded to ACY's (advanced construction yard). Sesswenna sector: Not too much is happening. Uvena has not been assaulted yet. Intelligence shows a large Imperial fleet gathering at Coruscant (3 Vic ISD's, 1 dreadnaught and 1 carrack). If this is an invasion fleet for Uvena, then the only thing they're lacking is troops. If Uvena can hang on awhile longer, I'll have some time available at my Drall ACY's to build new Gen Cores and an LNR II battery. Then I'll just need some troops to dig in deep. Corellian sector: Garm Bel Iblis and Sarin Virgilio have arrived and taken General and Admiral positions, respectively. I've added a Neb-B and bulk transport to my corvette fleet, with another Neb-B under construction. I have 9 Alliance army troops enroute, but it will take them awhile to get here. 6 of these troops (and the bulk transport) are destined for outer rim colonization. I need ACY's and ATF's in the outer rim systems ASAP. Fakir sector: No Alliance activity in this sector. Intelligence reports show that Ando appears to have been hit with a natural disaster (only 4 energy slots left). Either that, or the test firing of the DS went haywire … naw, it's too early to have a DS just yet. Also, an Imperial fleet over Palanhi (2 Vic ISD's, 1 dreadnaught and 1 galleon) have "disappeared". Other systems without facilities are getting mines and refineries. Sluis sector: After recruiting by Leia & Luke was failing, I broke them up. Luke continued recruiting and Leia is doing diplomacy on all the systems that were neutral then joined the Alliance. I'm constructing 6 ATF's on Denab to help with my troop shortage problem. Luke has recruited Vanden Willard (a diplomat!). Recruitment has now been exhausted, so Luke is doing diplomacy. Han & Chewie have taken Orrimaarko, Mazer Rackus, Crix Madine and Mawshiye to Phraetis (Farfin sector). Han, Chewie and Crix Madine then push on to Caprionril (Dolomar sector). The ATF's on Denab (the ones already delivered) are busy making garrison troops for this sector. I may ship a few off to the outer rim for colonization. I have an empty medium transport enroute to the Xappyh sector currently. Farfin sector: Tura Raftican now has 6 spies and 6 infiltrators working for her. All systems are being systematically observed then sabotaged. Orrimaarko, Mazer Rackus and Mawshiye have arrived and are helping speed things up. I have eliminated a couple of Stormtroopers, Tie fighters, and Imperial commandos, but I'm having an extremely hard time trying to eliminate any of the 6 nogrhi on Byss. The Imperials are building SY's on Kinyen, which are making Tie interceptors at present. I've abducted Menndo & Shenir Rix from Bilbringi. Dolomar sector: My one guerilla unit constantly reports in with a status (no progress). As my spies aren't succeeding that well, and 5 new spies have arrived. I'm mostly spying on myself. There are a constant flow of Imperial espionage, recon and assassination missions coming my way. General Bren Derlin is doing a good job of disrupting most of them. I have 1 infiltrator squad and am constantly trying to sabotage those Imperial units. I even occasionally use Derlin to sabotage the Imperial missions (he's pretty good at it), but he's finally been injured. Luckily I have Han, Chewie and Crix Madine on the way (they're due to arrive soon. Madine can be General until Derlin is healed). By the time they arrive Derlin is healed and back in charge. My guerillas on Tangrene have been eliminated. I don't think I'll try to rescue Page just yet. I now need to pick which systems to harass. Colonization of the outer sectors Sumitra, Jospro and Orus continues. With recruitment complete, I have added Mon Mothma to the diplomats going after the neutral systems. My super CY systems on Yavin (Sumitra sector) & Kiffex (Jospro sector) are almost completely upgraded to ACY's. Yavin will be turned over to C3PO for mines/refinery construction, and Kiffex will make SY's for my super SY system. The Calaron, Chubra and Xappyh sectors have been completely explored, with Quelli and Moddell currently being explored. Glythe and Atrivis sectors are left to explore yet. As it stands the Imperials have most of the Sesswenna, Fakir and Dolomar sectors, some presence in the Farfin sector, and only a token presence in the Corellian sector. The Alliance has a toke presence in the Sesswenna, Corellian and Dolomar sectors, some presence in the Farfin sector, and most of the Sluis sector. On the Active Personnel screen (Alt+6), I've noticed 3 bright green (Imperial) stars. I'm wondering if these characters are "traitors". They are: Daala, Nothos and either Griff or Brandie. They are all in command positions, so I won't be getting any "anonymous" informant information (at least I haven't yet). It seems to me that the Alliance is doing better on the infrastructure side of things, and maybe has the edge in spy/sabotage. But the Imperials definitely have the numbers in ships and fighters. Apparently both sides are short on troops (hence no assaults by the Imperials on any Alliance systems). Alliance headquarters is still located on the Chazwa system in the Orus sector.

DarthTofu wrote: Mitth_raw_nuruodo wrote: Tofu now has over one thousand posts, if someone was to correct him constantly (I find that to be tedious ), they would have another thousand posts to add to their own. Back to topic: I've never had Leia do anything but diplomacy in the game (at least in the better part of the beginning). By the time Luke gets around to do Jedi training, the outcome is just merely a formality.

angelus512 wrote: Or it could be that while emulating win95, the game was looking for the joystick in the "joystick port" (remember those?), instead of the USB port (which isn't supported by win95 since it didn't exist at the time). Just a guess

Tofu Sr is Tofu's sister (The "Sr" part is to show that she is the older, wiser, smarter, more mature of the Tofu's ). Is this the same sister (DarthTofu-ette) that hijacked his account (because he forgot to logout) in the Stargate Atlantis topic? Excerpts from the dog's diary Day number 180 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! Day number 181 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer. 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! Excerpts from the cat's diary Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on the bed. Day 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ... Hmmm. Not working according to plan. Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time...

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"

More of a story than a joke, but still funny ... They have a Chili Cook-off in Houston about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy s__t, what the h__l is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s__t-faced from all of the beer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. gal is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I passed gas and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Sc__w those rednecks. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I messed on myself when I expelled a little of the gas and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my tush with a snow cone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like stuff to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for a beautiful Castle right now!" He gets one. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." OOPS! He's back in his government office.