DarthTofu

Wow... you fit in seamlessly, Tex.

Ugh... I remember that episode of Mad TV in the second to last one, Taco...

Good song by Nightwish.

OOC Edit: My bad... i posted the wrong one! Here's what it should have been! “Is not!â€

Blegh. I think someone posted that in the random before it died at some point. Never cared for it myself. JH, please! Less spamming. You're posting more per-day than Tofu EVER has. I resent the fact that I'm the benchmark for spamming. Not because I find it in any way degrading, but because Mad is the rightful owner of the "Most PPD" award, followed by Mitth, followed by me. I have never beat their ridiculous records for it.

Try 1,000 on for size! I guess I'll just have to make like Mad and get my posts back up somehow! Though it'll take a while as I have a new new hobby- fencing. Well, sort of... I have an actual lesson come Saturday...

Never get the death penalty. Ever

Oh... crap! The Return of the Scath! Get under cover! He's going to shell us with BEAKs! *Gets under cover* granted, there never seem to be more than two BEAKers about at any given date...

That movie was so wierd...

AI certainly seems to want his leather jacket. It's just as well- being a piece of cow and possibly even soaked in brain juices the Zombies might like it. (Seriously, one of the oldest tanning methods of all time involves using deer brains on what you want to tan)

Tex'll like this one- it's an E-mail I got. FW: Dallas Tower Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 90R." Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 90R - Allah be Praised!" Dallas ATC "Tower to Iran Air 711 -- You are cleared to land westbound on runway 270L." Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 270L. - Allah is Great!" Pause: Static............. Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC! This is Saudi Air 911" Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?" Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!" Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts! Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us -- ya hear !!

I did Ray Romano from "Everybody Loves Raymond" and I beat it. First try.

Oh, we're making Zoot Wars III, too, now? Does this mean that we'll have a seperate thread for it? Oh, and just checking- ZWIII will take place right after we 'lose' the base, right?

Such as, what, AI? The destruction of eight (Not seven- eight) other uninhabited planets?

Speak for yourself, mate... I have one of 'em stalking me... It's creepy- every time I see her she yells, "Hey! You have a nice ass!" Clings to my backpack when I'm headed for the bus, too... *Shudders*

Wow, I think that's the first time Mitth ever wrote 'fuck' as opposed to 'F***'... [/spam]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but being, you know, undead and all, wouldn't it be impossible to kill a Zombie? Just saying. As for me- I live on an island in a relatively flat area. Closest area that would be a cool defense is Kennedy Space Center, so I suppose I'd head over there. Can't exactly crush Zombies in the crawler (Top speed: one(1) miles per hour.) but can still have some fun blasting any that get onto the launch pad. Suppose I would like to have some military types with me- matter o' fact I think I'd stop by the local airforce base and get a couple of fighter pilots and their planes to help me out along with a couple of bombers.

Here ya go, folks- you're lucky I save... Actually not really- you'd be lucky that Mitth saved if I didn't save, or that JH could find old posts. Tofu ducked as a spiky leg from one of the spider things smashed through the ceiling above him, stopping mere centimeters from his face. Rolling onto his back he fired up at the roof at the thing, the high powered lasers in his fingers weakening the roof to the point where the spider fell, its own weight crushing the weight it had attached with previously. Detaching said limb it scuttled forward on it's remaining appendages and lunged straight into the path of Tofu's igniting light saber. He skewered the thing and bashed it into one of the now-ruined walls of Krytos's outpost. "Mummy..." "I- what?" "Er, I mean Tofu! We've got a whole lot of trouble heading our way! I'll meet you up in the hanger- do not engage the enemy by yourself! I repeat, do not engage them by yourself!" "Crap, now I have to engage them by myself," Tofu muttered to himself, laughing slightly. "Wha-" He was cut short as a spider burst from the ceiling to land on his head, the limbs denting his full-head mask significantly and damaging the comm. equipment inside. Swearing like a sailor Tofu grabbed the abomination with the force and smashed it into the corpse of its fellow. It started to rise again but a bolt of white lightning served as an adequate incentive for it to cease all functions. Disgusted with the cheap face mask Tofu ripped it off, noting the name of the Chinese company who had made it in the first place- C.A.S.A. (Chinese Aeronautics and Space Association). "Crap, I'm responsible for the production of this piece of junk..." Taking off at the fastest sprint he could manage Tofu swore as he arrived at the turbolift- he was three floors below hangar and the thing was sure to have been deactivated by the spiders or, worse yet, designed to work like the elevator in Mission Impossible I. "I knew there was a reason I hated that movie..." Tofu muttered as he pried the doors apart, wincing because of the lecture he knew Krytos would give him for ripping the base to shreds. The turbolift was stopped a good ten meters below him, making any attempt to pounce from it to the next floor next to impossible. "When life hands you lemons..." He leapt forward and grabbed the bars of the servicing ladder, denting them with his superhuman strength as the turbolift activated, rushing past him at speeds it had never been designed to run at. Beginning his accent Tofu winced as he spotted another one of the spider things destroying the rungs higher up- it had already taken out three rungs from the hanger level down and was continuing. Propelling himself upward Tofu slammed it with a metal shoulder, denting both the robot and himself in the process, sending the former to fall to its death while he magnetized his limbs in an effort to stay on the shaft wall. His feet took, his hands less-so which resulted in his snapping down such that the soles of his feet were attracted to the side of the shaft while his body was perpendicular to it. Laughing at how stupid he had to look at the moment Tofu swung around to face down the shaft and leaned back against the wall to scuttle in a sort of reverse crab walk vertically up the shaft. He emerged to face a waiting Krytos, the Jedi's gaze stern. "Have you been drinking or something? The Turbolift works perfectly fine- I summoned it a couple of minutes ago and was going to head down to get you." "It- wait, what? Kryt, are you kidding me?" "How hard is it to just say 'Krytos'? All you have to do is add an extra 'O' and 'S' to the end. And yes, I am kidding you. Now move, no time to feel betrayed, we have elite cats headed for the base. Any ideas on countering them?" "Ah, yes, halfway between slashing spiders to bits, nearly being decapitated by the elevator from hell, and reverse-crab walking up a turbolift shaft I came up with the perfect solution." "... So that'd be a no?" "Correct." "Spectacular. By the way, you'll be wanting one of these," Krytos added, tossing Tofu a pressurized suit. "These guys are ruthless- while the cats can kill us, if we get the upper hand they probably won't hesitate to deactivate the magcon field." "Which of course leaves us floating in space for however long we have oxygen." Tofu ignited his silver saber as they arrived at the door to the hangar, thought better of it as he hopped along on one leg trying to force the other into his pressure suit, and deactivated it. "Oh ye of such little faith!" Krytos replied, simply opening the door with his telekinetic force abilities. "Why did you do that?" "Do what?" "Open the door." "So that we can face the cats?" "No, but I mean if you can do that to the door, why not just leave it shut and do the same thing to the magcon field when the shuttle arrives and the cats disembark?" "Because it would be Sith-like?" "Whatever you say- you just didn't think of it." The conversation was interrupted at roughly the same time as Tofu zipped his suit up all the way, his helmet still off and resting on a bench. The elite cats had arrived. The boarding ramp descended with a sharp hissing noise and the lights dimmed. The holoprojector suddenly turned on behind both force users, prompting the Sith to jump while the Jedi remained impassive. "They're apparently getting a signal..." "What?" Another holoscreen snapped on in the center of the hangar. "The main screen turned on!" "How are you, gentlemen?" Came a condescending tone from within the ship. The first cat descended, his mannerism condescending and his saber held in a casual grip. Tofu and Krytos ignited both of theirs at the same time, the amber and silver glows filling the room. The cat merely laughed. "Your entire base belongs to us. You have no chance of surviving this engagement. I suggest that rather than fight an unwinnable battle you make the most of the time you have left." "Ha ha ha! I get it! This is like that video game that the Japanese made! Umm, what's it called, ummm..." "Hey, down in front!" Yelled another audience member. "Sorry," the first one whispered back, taking his seat. "Wait- what? I am really confused right about now." "Ditto," replied Krytos. "Ahem," the cat coughed, bringing attention back to himself. "Now then, as I was saying-" "You mean gloating. As a matter of fact, that sounded like a typical villain dia-" "Okay, seriously, shut up, man. Just shut up! You're ruining the whole story." "No I'm not." "Yes, you are. We don't need a studio audience. Now everybody leave." "But-" one of the audience membrs objected "NO!" the cat roared, frying him with lightning. "Scat! Now! Move!" Grumbling and groaning about wanting to see DarthTofu cinema books all their lives which had consisted of a few sentences so far the audience left, their heads held low. "Now then, the dialog- oh, screw it. It's really high time for another fighting scene." The cat turned back to someone who was apparently still in the shuttle "Turn on the "Duel of the Fates" music, would ya?" "On it," came the reply, and a few moments later it blared out of the speakers of the base slightly louder than a Lead Zeppelin concert. "Okay, turn the volume down a tad!" The cat yelled back, and it instantly dropped back to more appropriate levels. "Now get out here already!" A sigh emerged from within and steel-colored cat emerged, his fur stiffer and less fluffy than his companion's ginger coat. Where the former cat carried a double bladed saber his opponent carried a pair of them as Krytos did and opted to attack the Jedi. "Wimp," Tofu murmured, and made to attack the ginger-coated foe, then executed a back flip that landed him directly behind the steel-coated cat such that he was back-to-back with his foe while Krytos faced it. Rather than attack with his own lightsaber which was already out and would fizzle out upon contact, or using the Zoot-saber which would take too long to draw Tofu merely executed a quick spin with his foot out. The cat easily jumped over it having been forewarned by the force, but that simply opened it up for attack. Unable to move the cat could only parry while in the air, and Krytos used that to his advantage. His blade an amber blur he slipped through the cat's defenses and jabbed it in the shoulder, a last-second deflection directing it from the heart. Hissing with pain the cat brought his second saber down in a blow that should have opened Krytos from crown to groin, but which the Jedi nimbly sidestepped. And then the other cat was upon Tofu, his blade an iridescent white that seemed to be some holy Deity come to take him to hell. The blade was held in a guard that covered from left shoulder to right hip, but attacking either blade would simply give the thing the leverage it needed to jab him with the other blade. Tofu chose to simply stand in a guard of his own, covering both his shoulders and midsections with the Zoot saber and his own saber. While useless against a cat, his own blade still quite capable of deflecting a blaster bolt or, in this case, another lightsaber. His two blades against opponents double blade Tofu and the cat fought, neither making the mistake of forgetting their surroundings, neither gaining more than nicks and non-fatal wounds. As the two fought blades came closer and closer to fully scoring flesh, a flick of the wrist burned a hand, opened a tunic, or harvested an ear. After what seemed like an eternity to Tofu the two Sith separated, both bleeding and Tofu’s lack of ear stinging as sweat poured into it. Then they were upon each other again, as if the essence of smoke, twisting and ducking in impossible manners. Then the cat finally succeeded. He feinted a lunge at one of Tofu’s legs, prompting the Sith to jump. Unable to move, he was left wide open to attack, and his opponent took full advantage of the opportunity. Deactivating his second blade he slammed it into Tofu’s chest at the intersection point between the remaining flesh of his left arm and the mechanical replacement. Electricity pumped into scarred flesh and burned it anew, the cat now smiling. He intended to say something witty, something that his foe would dwell upon in his final moments, just before he swiped the saber up to harvest the left arm and spun to remove Tofu’s head. But dying was never a viable option when questing for revenge. Slamming his head forward Tofu smashed the cat’s muzzle and felt both his own nose and the cat’s break. Slamming his face forward again Tofu forced the cartilage that composed its snout further back, breaking through the skull and mashing into the thing’s cerebrum. In the bash sharp teeth slashed his face, opening his left cheek into tattered flesh, but the lightsaber had dropped from numb fingers, its blade deactivated, and that was what counted. One last bash that opened his forehead and face even further later and the cat lay dead, it’s snout reduced in length to almost nothing having been smashed into its own brain. Breathing heavily he fell onto his back and blinked blood from his eyes in time to see the other cat approaching missing an arm and a significant amount of fur while Krytos lay in a crumpled head, his natural body incapable of dealing with the strength of the cat when. The cat seemed to be smiling, ignited his saber, raised it to stab Tofu, skewer him against the decking before he turned to finish Krytos off- and promptly evaporated. Save for a thin strip of flesh and part of the spine, which the lightsaber had deflected, the heavy laser blast had reduced the cat to so much ash, his lightsaber now non-existent. Laughing and coughing blood back up when it seeped into his throat Tofu raised his undamaged arm up in a salute to Mitth’s ship where 42 manned the weapons batteries. Still laughing, still bleeding, lightheadedness and then darkness claimed the Sith. OOC: No Krytos, you are not dead. Just incapacitated. No offense meant by it, but you said that one cat should be more than capable of handling the both of us, so I took that as a “The one cat will own me, the other cat will own Tofuâ€

Nice new sig, but can you, um, reduce it, maybe? It kinda shoves everything over...

I crumple it up... What sort of relevance does this have to... well, anything?

My personal favourite horror movie character was Quinten from "The Cube". I obviously don't watch many horror movies. After watching that movie, though... Well, let's just say I was slightly terrified of anyone I met who was an African American cop holding a boot. He scared the crap out of me...

Not that I know of... We can check with all of the Mormon churches we can contact, though. But are you sure that that's his name in the bottom and not his address?

Very nice, Mad... I like the otter in particular. J.H's picture reminds me of "The Matrix" as seen in code vision. It's still way cool, though.

Happy late B-day, Def... BTW: Do we all realize that it is no longer international 'talk like a pirate day'?

Jesus... Evaders, can we please get a sticky for "My Rebellion CD is lost/broken"? We don't harbour torrents at this site. If you want the game, check E-bay or the LucasArts website. We can't help you beyond that. Prepare for the locking.