DarthTofu

*Shoots Fishface's fish face off. Okay, hows this for your fate? I hope you are forced to hear the horrible jokes Mad and I have concocted (Tex, you don't count, yours were funny) for an eternity unable to utter your own jokes and forced to give us praise! A piece of string walks into a bar and attempts to buy a drink. The bartender says "We can't allow you to drink, sorry." Determined to get that drink, the piece of string goes out and ties himself into a knot and frays his ends. He walks back into the bar and orders a drink again. The bartender looks at him funny and says, "Say, aren't you the same guy that came in here and tried to buy a drink a bit ago?" The string replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot." I have a book full of religious jokes called "Thank God I'm an Atheist" that I would quote from were I not going to offend people, though I think I can get away with this one: A Scottish atheist is rowing along Loch Ness when suddenly the Loch ness monster appears beneath him, throws him and his boat into the air and is about to snap up the Scotsmen when he cries "Oh, God!" Time stops and God appears saying, "I thought you didn't believe in me?" The atheist looks at God incredulously and says "Yeah, well five minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster, either!"

My sister read that one over my shoulder after my howls of laughter drew her. She was apparently offended and thought that Americans are far too mean and have no right to be... I guess she was sort of correct, 'specially since France is kind of in the "Whew, good thing we didn't lose hundreds of armed forces over a war inspired by oil and faulty intelligance!" stage right now. Though in the spirit of being mean and trashing the French for things they don't deserve: A supermodel, an American, and A Frenchmen are riding in the same car on a train. The train goes through a tunnel and there is a smooching sound and then a whack. When they emerge from the tunnel the supermodel looks shocked and the Frenchmen is holding his jaw. The supermodel thinks " The Frenchmen must have tried to kiss me when we went through the tunnel and then the American came to my defense and punched him." The Frenchmen thinks "The American must have kissed the supermodel when we went through the tunnel. She tried to hit him but missed in the dark and got me. The American thinks "This is great! Next time we go through a tunnel I can kiss the supermodel and sock that French bastard again!"

Egotistical Texan! Okay, here's my contribution: George W. Bush goes to Afghanistan to commence peace talks with Osama Bin Laden. While there, he notices that there are three buttons on Osama's chair. They discuss peace for a while when Bin Laden presses the first button. A boxing glove shoots out and nails Bush in the face. Osama apologizes after laughing his head off, and peace talks resume. After a little bit more time he presses the second button and a boot pops out and nails Bush in the shin. Bin Laden laughs again, then apologizes and Bush, now rather angry continues peace talks. After a little more time Bin laden presses the third button and Bush is whacked in the crotch with a baseball bat. Now furious, bush squeaks out that he's returning to the United States. A couple of weeks later he invites Bin Laden to Washington for peace talks. When Bin Laden arrives he sees that Bush's chair has three buttons. Peace talks begin, then bush presses the first button. The floor rumbles and Bin Laden dives from his chair to the ground, but nothing happens. Bush laughs a bit, then peace talks resume. The same thing occurs with the other three buttons until Bin laden becomes infuriated. "That's it!" He cries, showing us all that he actually speaks English for some reason, "I'm going home!" Bush, now laughing hysterically cries out, "WHAT HOME?" Get it? Bush nuked Osama's home. Now do you get it? Well of course you don't think that its funny now, I had to explain it to you! Perhaps slapstick is more your thing: An idiot, a lawyer, and a doctor are all stranded on a deserted island. One day a lamp washes up. The idiot rubs it and out pops a genie. The genie tells them that they can each have one wish. The lawyer wishes first and wishes that he were in Miami in a great hotel. The Genie nods his head and *Poof* the lawyer is gone. The doctor goes next, and he wishes to be back in his high-rise California condo. The genie nods his head and *Poof* the doctor is gone. The genie finally turns to the idiot and asks "And what would you like?" The idiot says, "Well, back at my home I have a lot of enemies. Here on this Island I have food and water and shelter that we all built. Now I'm just kind of lonely. I wish I had my two friends back."

I tried it once. It got my stuff wrong all three times. It might have something to do with the fact that I was thinking along the lines of stuff that others wouldn't guess, but it still got my stuff wrong. The 20 questions machine has to be the best thing for this stuff out there. Even when my friend and I did perverted things, it got them!

Personally I use my lightsaber to trim the hedges.

...I hope you die cold, miserable, and lonly for that joke before burning in eternal hellfire. You guys seem to have taken all of America's blond jokes and turned them into idiot jokes. Okay, hows this? An idiot walks into a bar and sits next to an attractive woman. He leans over and asks, "Hey, want to hear a funny blond joke?" Offended, she slaps him and says, "Hey, pal, I'm a blond and I work for a chemical company. You see that girl in the booth over there? She's a blond and an Olympic competitor. And ou see that girl? She..." The woman continues in this manner for several minutes, finally ending with "So, do you still want to tell that blond joke?" The idiot mulls it over for a bit, then finally says, "Nope, not if I have to explain it that many times." An irish man goes to the doctor compllaining about a terrible ear-ache. The doctor looks in the Irish man's ear and pulls out a one-dollar bill. He reaches in again and pulls out a five dollar bill, continuing in the manner until he has pulled out $1,999.99. Upon seeing this the Irish man sighs and says "Ah. I knew I wasn't feelin' too grand." (Get it? Two grand? Too grand? Its a play on words...)

Cow name plates? Did they get their own offices as well? Okay...Time for a new joke... *Reaches for Reader's Digest which has given him past material* Here we are: I was standing in the park one day wondering why frizbees seemed to get bigger and bigger the closer they got to you. Then it hit me. Or the ever old (And unpopular): "My friend has a dog with no nose." "Really? How does he smell?" (All together, now)"TERRIBLE " And to end things on a semi good note: The pope is getting in his car to head for a chapel when he asks the chauffer to let him drive there. The chaeffer is curious, but says "Hey, its the pope, I won't contradict him". The Pope takes off like a rocket, swerving in and out of traffic and turning the car up on two wheels, ect. As he's going along the highway a cop pulls him over. The pope rolls down the window tot alk to him and the officer is a bit confused and scared. He turns on his radio and starts talks to his headquarters. "Hey, what do we do if we pull over some one important?" "Well who did you pull over?" "I mean some one Really, Really important?" "For cryin' out loud, who did you pull over?!" "I don't know! But the pope is his chauffer!"

Yeah, pretty much. I'm like one of the little rubber tension balls. Just sqeeze until you feel better, then release and it resumes its usual shape and function. In the case of the squeeze ball its sitting on a shelf. In the case of me, its incising people to go crazy!

...You should meet my sisters and see their rooms. After three days worth of cleaning day in and day out you can finally see the floor in both their rooms Dang, 4:30? That's ridiculous, Rob. I went to sleep at three and thought I stayed up too late!

A Sundisk Sansa thing. I'm not good with models at all! But it has something like a 180 song memory- more memory than I'll probably ever need.

Quick question regarding that (Sort of). Is it possible to burn a backup disk of a PS2 game? If so, would you use a DVD or CD?

That about does it here, too Okay, mayhaps this. Its supposed to be done with the names of three people you dislike. Just to be random, I'll select three people from the Forums: DarthTex, Mad78, Trejiuvanat (Primarily 'cause the later two are participating this). Okay, so there's a meeting where we all meet eachother. On that little island in the middle of the Carribean like we discussed. Trej, Mad, and Tex are the only ones there for some reason. I probably showed up, stole their money and boats and left. Who knows? Anyway, the three are sitting around when the giant meteor that we have been discussing smashes into earth. Right on that little island. Killing all three of them. So all three go up to Heaven (I'm not abandoning my lack of belief: Merely making a joke). St. Peter greets them and says, "Hello, welcome to Heaven..." and several other little formal nifty things I shall ommit. He then adds at the end "You can do whatever you like here, provided you do not kick a chicken." All three essentially ask what he's talking about, and he just repeats himself. The three step through the gates and find heaven to be a wonderful place, but that it is lightly dotted with chickens for some reason. For a year Tex and Trej are both very careful to avoid kicking chickens when one day they happen upon Mad sitting on a bench chained to a truly disgusting woman roughly the size of Texas with moles, warts, drool, the works. Trej asks what happened and Mad sighs and says, "Well, I was just walking along one day when I realized how much I missed soccer. I saw a chicken and for some reason I thought it was a soccer ball, so I kicked it and now I'm stuck like this. Tex mentions that he would rather prefer Hell to such a fate, and so he goes on being very careful to avoid the chickens when he encounters Trej chained to a woman twice as ugly as the one Mad is chained to. "What happened to you?" asks Tex. Trej swears and mentions something about a dare from Jahled who has now apparently moved on from hating kittens to hating chickens or something. Tex, confused as to how the two communicated across the void, wanders along and remains looking much the same as he did on Earth, and is very careful to avoid the chickens. Finally, after ten years he's walking along when St. Peter shows up and chains Cindy Crawford to him. Tex is amazed and asks "Wow, what on Earth did I do to diserve this?" Cindy Crawford looks at him and says "I don't know about you, but I kicked a chicken." Sorry, Tex. I had to get something back at you for that annoying story about having your way with a cow or whatever. Really got confused on that one... Wow, that was one hell'uva post....

Good to see that you can at least be creative with what you're given In the sense of getting a rock, I got my new MP3 player with "We Will Rock You", "Radio", "Bohemian Rhapsody", and several other of Queen's greatest rock hits. So I got a queen rock!

...Or else it was just someone who looked a lot like Nixon.

Alrighty, then. If you like piloting games, I would recommend X-wing Alliance. Its highly modable, has many mdos out, and has good online play. Actually I don't know about that last one. I just know I enjoyed blowing the crap out of TIEs on it. Other good games I would recommend are Galactic Battlegrounds (With its expansion pack) and, if you're willing to leave the Star Wars Galaxy: The Elder Scrolls III Morrowind. That one's an RPG, though not an MMORPG, unfortunately. Very well done game, though, that will frustrate you in some cases, make you wonder how you got to where you are in others, and just plain make you laugh at other's pain in even more. Really, i just said "Screw the provided quests, I'm making up my own!" And so I did... The "Kill everyone in the entire ****ing game" quest

*Groans* How 'bout this one? A naked priest, three nuns, a Rabbi, and a talking lama walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them all and says, "What is this, a joke?" Or perhaps this: A fried egg, two strips of bacon, a piece of toast, and a glass of orange juice walk into a bar. "Bartender!" Yells the egg, "Get us five cold ones!" The Bartender looks them over and says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast." Or even: There's a farmer who breeds donkeys in Kansas. One day he notices a particularly intelligent donkey. Remembering horses that were taught to find different colors and to add and subtract, he goes a step further, teaching it to multiply and divide. Astounded by this donkey's mental capacity he sells his farm and all of his other donkeys to buy a tent go on tour with the circus. Despite his elaborate tent and genius donkey, no one comes to see him and the farmer is left broke with nothing but the donkey. Thus he learned the hard way that nobody likes a smart ass.

...Either you drank $200 worth of drinks, or else there was a reason you didn't know that person sleeping next to you (IE a charge). I would head down to the local clinic and get checked for STDs if I were you.

Umm, I think that either this is a European joke or else you screwed it up royally. The one I heard involves an idiot driving on the highway when he sees the woman, asks her how much and how long, then says, "Okay, I'll go get the soap and a bucket to help you out" since he's assuming she'll wash his windows as opposed to having sex with him. Here's a good short one: Three guys walk into a bar. One ducks.

Sly dog, you! How many drinks did it take? I have only four words for you and your friend: ntss ntss ntss ntss.

A pilot, you racist! It works much better in real life than if you're reading it. GO up to a group of friends and ask them the same joke. Always good.

Drinking and driving do not mix, young man!

*cocks eyebrow* Any idea where I might find this program of yours?

You guys have to actually guess, even if you don't think its right, go for it. You might be surprised.

http://www.swrebellion.com/forums/postt3119.html Comes from Cain. These are his guidlines for making the AI act a bit more aggressive if you didn't already read 'em. Anyway, welcome, make cool stuff, see if reloaded wants you to help work on cards, yadda yadda yadda.

You referred to me as DF. I figured I would just give you a hard time about typos in kind with what you gave me