writing a parody

[DarthTofu]

Its a school assignment, before anyone asks- I'm not doing this on my own free will While I realize that I won't have any of you fine fellows to help me come FCATs (Florida Curriculum Assessment Tests), I would still like some help getting over writer's block.

 

For a school assignment I have, as I already mentioned, been told to write a parody. It can be on whatever I like- I chose "Spider Man 2" just because it has so many easy-to-rip-open plot holes. Not a bad movie, just easy to MST3K. Anyway, I currently have Pete park, Grasshopper man as the superhero against Doc. Hex, a parapulegic who lost his legs but is otherwise exactly the same as Doc. Oc. if you've seen the movie... His girlfriend shall be Jane Mary (Mary Jane in reverse for those of you who aren't the sharpest tools in the shed ). I've also decided to kill the hero at the end when he get's catured, and that he should accidentally discover that he can rub his legs together to make a grasshopper mating call (Thank goodness for tighty whities!), but I really have nothing more.

[Jahled]

You want us 'older members' to help out with your homework, Tofu dude?

[DarthTofu]

lol, just ideas, really- not necessarily a plot outline, just things that you would find funny a Spider Man parody and things that you think would fit into this in a humerous fashion IE, a quote that one might say if incects attempted to gang-bang them (As stolen from CAD)

[Aenivae_Ikeda]

Why don't you pull an "Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny"?

[DarthTofu]

Why don't you pull an "Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny"?

 

Lol, I would, but the assignment is being graded based on how it is structured and solely on that- I just would prefer to do a good job. Seeing as this is creative writing it shouldn't be too hard. But if Spider Man leaps through the air to tackle Superman and then gets cut in half by Darth Maul it would be confusing, with no real order... Kinda sucks.

[DarthTofu]

Oh nos, double post! I finally finished writing it, and I believe that you fine folks diserve to read this crap that you didn't contribute to at all! The foot notes are spaced so as to appear at the bottom of each page. Enjoy:

 

Grasshopper Man

An Epic Parody by Darth Tofu

Coauthored by Grasshopper Man (Secret identity not listed)

 

Introduction

 

Over the course of seven days I’ve had at least a dozen broken bones, eight hundred cuts and scratches, thirty-two bruises, and nineteen concussions. I have yet to seek medical attention for any of these wounds, and I’m still absolutely fine three days later. I have to endure this, though. It’s my job. No, not a job, a duty. Actually it’s more of an obligation than a duty seeing as I don’t get paid to do it and don’t have any superiors telling me what to do. Who am I? I’m… I’m… Just a second, I know who I am, the name is just escaping me right now… I’m, uh, Grasshopper Man! That’s it! Damned Alzheimer’s disease! It’s a side effect of my condition- something which shall be revealed in due time.

 

Chapter One: The Chapter in Which “Due Timeâ€

[Mitth_raw_nuruodo]

Tofu, why do you expect us to read that? I refuse. I just scrolled down to the bottom and clicked on the PostReply button to poke fun at you.

[bobandrubert]

you forgot g-unit ganstas the are victoms of inner city life......... yes I know how deep I am

[DarthTofu]

Oh, you're right, I did... Mitth, you're lazy. You don't get to make fun of me unless you read it... and no BEAKing is permitted...

[Mitth_raw_nuruodo]

Oh, you're right, I did... Mitth, you're lazy. You don't get to make fun of me unless you read it... and no BEAKing is permitted...

Now Tofu, it is my right as an American citizen to make fun of people whenever I want. I am lazy, this is true. IF I waste my time reading your parody I WILL BEAK anything I find.

[DarthTofu]

Shouldn't the "will" in that sentence have been italicized rather than capitalized?

[Mitth_raw_nuruodo]

No. I chose to use caps to emphasize that word. If it was suposed to be in italics it would have been.

[General_Crespin]

It's not Star Wars. Or Elder Scrolls.

[DarthTofu]

It's not Star Wars. Or Elder Scrolls.

 

You didn't read it all the way through, yet, did you?

[Mad78]

No. I prefer sticking to short but intense parodies.

Captain's Log time span 3525745735j2h346�o7m3465685472n5674575nm4l7

We have just arrived in an unexplored area of space. Our mission is still the same: discover new species and technologies so that we can bloody well get home.

We have encountered a specie living on a planet and have managed to contact them and we are preparing to go and met them.

 

Spock enters the bridge.

"Cpt. we are waiting for you in teleportation room."

"Spock do you never smile?" asked Kirk

"How could I sir if I live with idiots like you around the clock?"

"I know Spock how about you insult me and cool down a bit"

"Are you sure Cpt?"

"Yes as long as it's not personnal"

"Idiot!"

"That's right keep it up"

"Bastard, Gits, little Willy, ..."

"Now wait I said nothing personnal!"

"Sorry Cpt shall we go to teleportation room'"

"Good Idea Spock I'll follow you" and so they leave the bridge

In the closest toilet:

"You know Zulu I sometimes wonder if the Cpt isn't a bit mad. I mean last week he teleported himself a new Cadillac. WHERE THE HELL ARE THE BLOODY TAPS ON THESE THINGS!!!!!"

"Don't worry Parker these are the new vocally controled taps and I agree the Cpt does look a bit mad sometimes. WATER!" water comes out of the tap

"Still Zulu two weeks he wanted to teleport himself a boat. WATER"

"Your right. Good thing we only received a toy one. SHAVING CREAM"

"I heared he called the teleportation company to ask were the proper boat was. CONDOM"

A person is heared saying "PAPER" in a toilet

"You know Parker the company's representant slamed the teleporter behind him"

"Anyway we had better get back to work come on" they leave the room on the sound of PAPER!!!!!!!!!!.

In the teleporter room

"Beam me down Snotty" said Kirk

"Right Sir"

"Snotty there seems to be a problem with the teleportation!" said Kirk throught his telecommunicator.

"His right" said Spock "his legs seem to have stayed here"

"And they are now booting my ass sir" cried Snotty as he received a great boot in his ass

A few hours later after having Ki and rk back together

"Am the Govener of this region of Space and if you do not leave immediately you will be destroyed" said Moff Dresna to Kirk through the Microphone

"You can always try!" said Kirk

As he said this an ISD appeared in front of the Ship

"Fire all phaser protocle Alpha Beta 6"

It was at this point that the Cpt discovered that Phasers were far from being effective against ISD shields

The Hundred Turbolasers of the ISD started firing at the Ship

"Cpt the shields are starting to weaken and our phasers seem to be of absolutely no effect against this Ship"

"Right pilot calculate an escape cours out of here"

"Course calculated sir Chicken or Fish?"

"I don't give a damn just get us out of here!"

"Right sir"

And the the ship jumped into Hyperspace

God it was fun to write. i should try again some time.

[DarthTofu]

lol... Well, I had a list of things that I made a point of including... I believe "Latex and leather do not allow for a full range of movement" was one of them... Another was that Spandex isn't a viable fire retardant... You get cancer instead of super powers when exposed to radiation... Hmm, I need to find that list...

[Mitth_raw_nuruodo]

Good read Mad.

[Mad78]

Good read Mad.

Thx Mitth.

I can remember I had already thought up the whole story of the next one. Maybe i can type something thsi weekend.

[Mitth_raw_nuruodo]

Cool. Be sure to post it if you do.

[Defender_16]

My old boss brought this up one time when we were going to discuss Star Trek vs Star Wars.

 

Federation Weapons:

 

Starship phasers have a range of 300,000 kilometers

[Mitth_raw_nuruodo]

You know what the range of a turbolaser is by chance?

[DarthTex]

The standard turbolaser ... no, but according to wiki, the DBY-827 heavy dual turbolaser in its precise, long-range tracking mode could hit a target vessel at a range of 10 light-minutes (that's 111.6 million miles or 181.35 million kilometers). That sounds a bit far fetched to me, I mean in every battle ever scene (or written about) all the ships are in close proximity (meaning within a dozen or two kilometers maximum). That's like being able to shoot a piece of a grain of sand (~0.025" in diameter) from the moon, and your projectile is the nano-guitar.

 

I'm sticking with the couple of thousand kilometer range myself (~5-10,000 km max, with light damage)

[Mitth_raw_nuruodo]

Yours sound like reasonable numbers. I have a hard time believing 300,000Km range for ST.

[DarthTex]

Yeah, 300,000 is a bit of a stretch even for ST. In my day, the max extreme range was 70,000 km. Man technology just keeps pushing the limits

[DarthTofu]

You folks haven't read your science! http://library.thinkquest.org/J001741/laserWeapons.html That ought to explain eveyrthing... Handy little site, found it while I was making my attempt at being a member of the Rebellion Reloaded team. Good stuff, there, I suggest checking more of it out for future scientific accuracy.