joke

[Mad78]

Find the hidden detail in this its a small sound so i recommend you put the volume of your speakers up.

[Mitth_raw_nuruodo]

(Laughing) Is it timed or did i just happen to take my cursor over the 'sweet spot'?

[Mad78]

Its timed.

[Mitth_raw_nuruodo]

Thats what I thought. It was hard not getting caught as I surf the net while waiting on the scanner at work.

[DarthTofu]

I remember that... I had a bad habit of not knowing when people were lying to me, and so leaned into the screen to look witht he volume all the way up my first time. This was at about age nine, by the way. Hmm... What else can we put up here that's stupid? And Mith, don't even. You know you've visited site as dumb as or dumber than stupidness.net. I don't know which sites, but I know you have!

 

A Czech, an American, and a British man all go out camping together. About three days into they lose contact with the park rangers, concerned the rangers head out to look for the three and find two bears pawing around the campsite. The rangers immidiately shoot the bears and cut open the first one's stomach. She is a female and in her stomach they find the American and Brit in bloody pieces. Upon opening the second bear their theory was proven sound: The Czech was in the male.

 

(Get's behind the blastscreen for everyone's reaction to the joke)

[DarthTex]

The European Unio n commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

 

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c." Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

 

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter!

 

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

 

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".

 

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

 

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze first plas.

 

 

OK, I got this joke to finally post. The kicker, for some reason if the text for the word (spaces are intentional) "U n i o n" appear in this post, I get sent to the main page when I hit "Preview" or "Submit". Go figure

 

 

Oh, and PS: Have fun correcting this post Tofu

[Mitth_raw_nuruodo]

thats AWESOME!!!

[Krytos]

Zat vas blody briliant Tex!!!!

 

My favourite so far

[DarthTofu]

I'm grammar, not spelling. You know that! Well, actually if the spelling errors are blatantly obvious (Cough, writing "thru", cough) I'll point 'em out, but I leave most of it to Scathane

 

And now for an American-style offensive blond joke or two:

 

A blonde, a brunette, and a red-head are in at a swimming meet for a reace swimming with the breastroak. The red head comes in first, the brunnette comes in second, and the blonde comes in by far the last. Approaching the judge she whispers "I don't mean to be a sore loser, but they were using their arms."

 

A blonde and two expert hunters go out on a hunting trip. The first day one of the hunters returns with a huge bear carcass.

 

"How did you bag that?" the blonde asks.

 

He replies, "I found the tracks, followed 'em, found the bear, and shot it."

 

The next day the second hunter goes out and returns with a giant buck draped on his shoulders. The blonde repeats her question and the huntsmen repeats his predecessor.

 

The next day the blonde goes out hunting. She returns at the end of the day bloody and with broken bones.

 

"How did you do that?" asks one of the huntsmen.

 

The blonde replies: "Found the tracks, followed the tracks, got hit by a train."

[Mad78]

That was a great one Tex.

 

Now bad Tofu.

[DarthTex]

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'

 

The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

 

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

 

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

 

'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'

 

The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!

[Mitth_raw_nuruodo]

A Three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a

bath.

 

"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

 

Mama answered, "Not yet."

[Mad78]

Not too bad guys.

 

A tank meets a frog.

Tank: "You are soooo ugly!!!"

Frog: "Speak for yourself! At least i don't have my prick in the middle of my face!"

[Mitth_raw_nuruodo]

I don't have one that can even come CLOSE to topping that one...

[Guest Scathane]

Don't think I'm not following this thread because I'm not posting! Keep it up, guys!

[Mad78]

Come on Scath! Give us a nice droidish joke.

 

A man asks another, "What would you do if the world was going to be destroyed in 24 hours?"

"Well i would hump everything that moved. Why? What would you do?"

"I wouldn't move."

[Guest Scathane]

Well, perhaps it's not a joke per se but I still want to share this poem on the end of the world... I think it will qualify...

[Mad78]

t qulifies as being too stupid for words.

[Mitth_raw_nuruodo]

This is really a quote from a friend of mine, but I thought I'd share it anyway.

 

"If u ever kick a bear in the nuts: RUN!"

Kyle Underwood

[Guest Scathane]

t qulifies as being too stupid for words.

It takes one to know such, Mad...

[DarthTofu]

This is really a quote from a friend of mine, but I thought I'd share it anyway.

 

"If u ever kick a bear in the nuts: RUN!"

Kyle Underwood

 

So long as we're sharing quotes of random happenings, here's one from my friend who named me as Tofu in the first place while observing the new seventh graders rushing into our school: "They're like little bald munchkins... Only tall... and with hair..." Pretty good one in my opinion.

 

Scath, your poem scared me... But I'll be damned if it won't be the end of the world by lunchtime on the school bus tomorrow morning!!!

 

I used to have the website for a place that had a list consisting of some 300 things that they swore they would do if they ever became an evil super/ regular villain... I'll have to find that one...

[WraithOne]

Okay here's a couple told to me by a co-worker.

 

How do you know when it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch?

 

When the big hand touches the little hand.

 

 

What does Jeffrey Dahmer call a bus full of people?

 

 

Meals on Wheels.

 

 

And here's one I remember from childhood:

 

What's green and flies over Germany?

 

Snotzies.

 

Ya that's bad, but those are the only ones I can remember.

[DarthTofu]

What's green and flies over Germany?

 

Snotzies.

 

*Groans* Okay, we're adding Wraith to the list of people who deserve to die for their jokes!

 

A priest decides that he's going to go out and see the Grand Canyon one day, so he rents a horse advertised to him as religious horse. He is told "To make the horse start and go faster, say 'praise the lord'. To make him stop say 'amen'."

 

The priest takes the horse for a ride saying 'praise the lord' to make the horse go faster and faster. Finally he approaches the Canyon lip. Panicking he calls out "Woah, woah!" to the horse, forgetting his instructions. Finally, right at the very edge remembers how to stop the horse screams "AMEN!" at the top of his lungs. The horse stops and the priest sighs with relief saying, "I'm alive! Praise the lord!"

[Mad78]

Heard that one a thousand times.

 

Here is one for Scath:

A panda enters a cafe.

He eats shoots and leaves.

Outside he is arrested.

Why?

 

Check the spelling this is a rather known one

 

 

Two men go up to heaven

 

The first one: "So how did you die?"

The second one:"Died of cold. You?"

The first one: "Well i goit home convinced my wife was having an affair. So I searched the whole house and didn't find anyone. In the end i felt so bad about not trusting my wife that I had a heart attack."

The second one: "You idiot. If you had checked the freezer we both still be alive."

[DarthTofu]

Okay, bringing this thread back to life, I have a ridiculously dirty joke to use- no younglings or people offended by jokes regarding gay people past this point!!!

 

A gay shows up at a doctor's office. The doctor is annoyed at this gay because he, the doctor, is straight, but the gay keeps hitting on him.

 

The gay enters and says, "Doctor, I have a terrible pain in my rectum! Would you like to... investigate" The foctor is thinking crap, why did I take the damned oath?

 

So he tells the gay to go to the other room, put on a paper skirt, come back in, and bend over. The gay does so and the doctor examines it. "Holy cow!" exclaims the doctor, "There's a stick in here!"

 

"Be gentle, doctor!" says the gay.

 

Pulling it out slowly the doctor is suddenly pricked "Son of a bitch, this thing has thorns!"

 

"Be gentle, doctor!"

 

Finally pulling it all the way out he finds a rose. He looks at it perplexed and the gay calls out: "READ THE CARD, DOCTOR!!!"

 

Sorry, had to bring it back with something and this was the best one I've heard in a while.