joke

[DarthTofu]

keep em comin Tex...yours are the best so far.

 

I'm wounded! No, not really, but I'll pretend I am and staggar around with fake blood for a while BTW my sister would like you to explain what your name means.

 

An idiot and two other men are sentanced to being shot to death at a firing range. The first man to go up shouts "Tornado!" right before the shots are to be fired. The firing squad is distracted and he slips away.

 

The next man is sent up. just as he is about to be shot he cries out "Bank robbery!" The firing squad is distracted and he too slips away.

 

The idiot comes up and decides to follow everyone elses lead and call out an anomoly to distract the squad. SO, just as they raise their rifles he calls out "FIRE!"

[Mitth_raw_nuruodo]

MitTH'RAW'Nuruodo is Grand Admiral Thrawn's given name. Thrawn was his core name.

 

Tell her she can read the Thrawn dulogy if she wants more info. Specter of the Past and Vision of the Future, both by Timothy Zahn.

[TofuSr]

Let's clarify this conversation:

 

ME: Heh, cool nick. Thrawn.

TOFU: What?

ME: *points* His name's Thrawn.

TOFU: What are you talking about?

ME: Ask him what his nick means. You'll see.

TOFU: *writes said comment*

ME: Hey, you're the one who doesn't know what it means, not me.

TOFU: *submits*

ME: Fine, I'll just post as you again.

TOFU: *logs out*

ME: Bugger.

 

Do I have to tell a joke now?

[Mitth_raw_nuruodo]

TofuSr is Tofu's Sis??? Did I understand that correctly?

[TofuSr]

Yes, though only for the purpose of clearing this up. Not them I'm so terribly concerned with how I'm perceived on a forum, but because I know it'll tick little Tofu Jr off.

[DarthTofu]

I fully intend to kill her... just as soon as my legs can function properly after having DDRed for an hour or so. And for the record, I didn't know that was Thrawn's name because I HATED Thrawn with a passion. 'Matter of fact, I hated Zahn and his writing in general. Things just popped up to fit into his plot, I figured stuff out while the characters were going "Hmm, I wonder what's going on?" in book one, and overall there was minimal foreshadowing, and where there was it was blatantly obvious.

[General_Crespin]

... you are a heretic. DIE.

 

Sorry, the A&C thing was already used in the "Abbot and Costello" thread.

 

Edited January 5, 2006 by General_Crespin

[Mad78]

My head hurts

Who is Tofu Sr? In any case welcome to the forums.

[DarthTex]

Tofu Sr is Tofu's sister (The "Sr" part is to show that she is the older, wiser, smarter, more mature of the Tofu's ). Is this the same sister (DarthTofu-ette) that hijacked his account (because he forgot to logout) in the Stargate Atlantis topic?

 

 

Excerpts from the dog's diary

 

Day number 180

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

 

Day number 181

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.

4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

 

 

Excerpts from the cat's diary

 

Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

 

Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on the bed.

 

Day 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ... Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

 

Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

 

Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

 

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time...

[BadSamaritan]

You Might be a Redneck Jedi If.....

 

* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with ya'll."

 

* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

 

* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

 

* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

 

* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

 

* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

 

* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

 

* Wookies are offended by your B.O.

 

* You have ever used the Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

 

* You have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

 

* Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side... it'll be a hoot."

 

* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

 

* You have a Confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

 

* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

 

* Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

 

* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

 

* You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.

 

* You were the only one drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

 

* Your business cards read "Billy Bob, Jedi Master".

 

* Your Y-wing fighter has a bumper sticker that reads "My other fighter is an X-wing".

 

* You know Ewoks squeal like pigs.

 

* You use your R-2 unit as a beer coaster.

 

* When your sister wears her metallic bikini, you insist she travels by clinging to you while swinging on a rope.

 

* Your land-speeder had a light saber rack.

 

* Your land-speeder has a bumper sticker that reads "Protected by Smith & Wesson Light Sabers"

 

* If you hear ... "Billy Bob, I am your father ... AND your uncle!"

[BadSamaritan]

Oooohhhhh..... an even funnier list than my last one. Not that that's saying much.

 

Top 25 Lines in Star Wars that Can Be Improved by Substituting the word "Pants"

 

1. A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.

2. You are unwise to lower your pants.

3. We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.

4. She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.

5. These pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.

6. I find your lack of pants disturbing.

7. These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.

8. Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!

9. General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault.

10. I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.

11. TK-421. . . Why aren't you in your pants?

12. Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.

13. Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.

14. You look strong enough to pull the pants off of a Gundark.

15. Luke. . . Help me take...these pants off.

16. Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.

17. That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!

18. Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.

19. Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.

20. Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one. Your sister!

21. Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.

22. Yeah, well short pants is better than no pants at all, Chewie.

23. Attention. This is Lando Calrissean. The Empire has taken control of my pants, I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.

24. I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.

25. You came in those pants? You're braver than I thought.

[DarthTofu]

Tex had some of the ones from your first list, BS

 

And to soothe the heads that now hurt, TofuSR is Tofu's sister. In the words of Carlos Mencia: Dutdudaa!

 

And now a dirty joke.

 

Q: How do you circumsize a redneck?

A: Kick his siter in the jaw.

[BadSamaritan]

 

Q: How do you circumsize a redneck?

A: Kick his siter in the jaw.

 

Oof, thats low. But then again, my first post in this thread was worse. Thankfully, I wised up enough to delete it.

 

 

 

Darth Vader's Top Ten Pet Peeves

 

10. Having to live a good part of my live with the name 'Anakin.'

 

9. Obi-Wan Kenobi keeps appearing in the middle of the night saying 'I told you so!'

 

8. Boba Fett gets all the chicks.

 

7. All I did was torture hundreds of innocent people, wipe out an entire generation of Jedi Knights, assist in destroying the rightful government in exchange for a malevolent dictatorship, destroy a planet, torture my daughter that I didn't even know existed, chop off my son's hand and I'm the bad guy.

 

6. The way G.M. tries to skirt around installing new safety features (Whoops! Sorry, that's a Ralph Nader pet peeve).

 

5. That darn Energizer bunny.

 

4. Whenever I eat at a KFC, everyone jokes that I'll only eat dark meat.

 

3. Wiseguys who come up to me saying 'This is CNN.'

 

2. When appearing together at military functions, The Emperor always insists on wearing his 'I'm with stupid' T-shirt.

 

1. I'm seen as a dark lord representative of all that's evil, but Newt Gingrich is a national celebrity.

[Mad78]

Where do you find all these dtupid and hilarious stuff !!!

[Evaders99]

Testing.. since DarthTex can't seem to post here

[Mitth_raw_nuruodo]

It's working for me too Evaders.

[DarthTofu]

Que? Tex can't post. He's a good member of the forums, let him back in, Evaders!

 

In his absence: How many Texans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Answer: Anywhere from a dozen on up: One to do it and the rest to make sure they kill any distractions that get to close (AKA people driving in pink Volvo's with bumper sticker that advertises that they support gay marriage and are here to take your guns away).

 

Since that was weak and a dishonor, I'll also throw in a set of internet riddles. The answers are in black should be invisible... I hope. Just highlight to reveal. They gave this test to a bunch of people and something like 94% of preschoolers asked got them all right with only 4% when asked to Harvard graduates. Get the answers to the questions as you answer them or it won't work properly.

 

 

Question one: How do you fit a Giraffe in a refrigerator?

Open the door, put the giraffe in, close the door

Question two: How do you fit an elephant in a refrigerator?

Open the door, take the giraffe out, put the elephant in, close the door

The lion king is holding a meeting of all the animals which you are attempting to attend. On your way you come upon crocodile infested waters with no boat or other means of water transportation, nor any other path to the meeting. how do you get through to the meeting?

Just swim across. The alligators are at the meeting, too, since its for all of the animals.

When you arrive at the meeting all of the animals but one are there. Who is missing, and why?

The elephant. he's still in the refrigerator, remember?

[DarthTex]

Testing ... testing ... testing, testing, testing ...

 

Ugh!!!! I typed this whole thing in manually and it DIED!!!!

[Mitth_raw_nuruodo]

Ur post is there tho. thats gotta count for something, no?

[DarthTofu]

Ur post is there tho.

 

Nothing more to say on that.

 

And Tex is back. We'd all throw flowers but we're too lazy. Instead you get to read old crappy internet E-mail jokes.

 

...Such as this one that comes from stupidness.net

 

Tired of being bound to the many needless laws of your country? Will you go insane if you hear one more time? Well you can relax because you no longer have to deal with such problems in your very own nation. That's right, we'll tell you everything you need to get your own nation up and running in no time!

 

The basic requirements:

 

1) Land: Your backyard may be a great starting place but public parks and forests have more character and will give your nation more land. Perhaps you can use a neighbor's swimming pool and start the world's first 100% aquatic nation.

 

2) A unique Name: What fun is having your own nation if you're just going to name it "Bob land" or something stupid. You may want to actually attract people outside one day, so why not use something more appealing such as "Gynaland" or "Jizztopia".

 

3) Military: What good is your nation if you can't defend it? Simple mice traps and perhaps a board with some nails should be good enough to start but sooner or later you're going to want to defend your perimeter with nsync music or other extremist measures.

 

4) Hatred: You must find a minority group or several and hate them for no apparent reason. This is how most advanced nations in this world still operate so why should yours be any different?

 

5) Decorations: You want your nation to look nice don't you? You'll need a flag with Chevy Chase's head on it to symbolize your powerful new society.

 

 

 

6) Human sacrifices: Trick your enemy's into moving into your new nation by offering them wealth and power only to kill them, forget to tell them that such acts are thought highly of in these parts.

 

7) Jenga: This last item ensures that you won't suffer any boredom in your new nation.

 

You may also need food and shelter but those are for sissy weak girly nations.

 

Congratulations, you now know everything there is to know about starting your own nation. A great man once sang "don't drink the water", you may wish to adhere to that advice.

[Defender_16]

*Little girl scream*

 

Make it stop! Make it stop!

 

Btw DarthTex, I though the thing with the house cat's diary was hilarious.

[BadSamaritan]

Step 1: Capture someone you loathe completely

 

Step 2: Lock them in a room

 

Step three: Play this song over and over again until insanity results.

 

Step 4: Laugh cruelly as their brain has melted into tapioca.

[DarthTofu]

http://ualuealuealeuale.ytmnd.com/

 

I like this link. It keeps idiots occupied if you just tell them that there's something really cool that you see, but only after watching it for a half hour straight.

[WraithOne]

Here's one that a customer told to a co-worker, who in turn told it to me. If you have kids you would understand completely.

 

What's the difference between broccoli and snot?

 

 

 

Kids don't eat broccoli.

[Mitth_raw_nuruodo]

Thats awesome Wraith.

 

Am I the only one that noticed the site Tofu got one of his "jokes" from?

...Such as this one that comes from stupidness.net

Teenagers.....