joke

[DarthTofu]

Egotistical Texan!

 

Okay, here's my contribution: George W. Bush goes to Afghanistan to commence peace talks with Osama Bin Laden. While there, he notices that there are three buttons on Osama's chair. They discuss peace for a while when Bin Laden presses the first button. A boxing glove shoots out and nails Bush in the face. Osama apologizes after laughing his head off, and peace talks resume.

 

After a little bit more time he presses the second button and a boot pops out and nails Bush in the shin. Bin Laden laughs again, then apologizes and Bush, now rather angry continues peace talks.

 

After a little more time Bin laden presses the third button and Bush is whacked in the crotch with a baseball bat. Now furious, bush squeaks out that he's returning to the United States.

 

A couple of weeks later he invites Bin Laden to Washington for peace talks. When Bin Laden arrives he sees that Bush's chair has three buttons. Peace talks begin, then bush presses the first button. The floor rumbles and Bin Laden dives from his chair to the ground, but nothing happens. Bush laughs a bit, then peace talks resume.

 

The same thing occurs with the other three buttons until Bin laden becomes infuriated. "That's it!" He cries, showing us all that he actually speaks English for some reason, "I'm going home!"

 

Bush, now laughing hysterically cries out, "WHAT HOME?"

 

Get it? Bush nuked Osama's home. Now do you get it? Well of course you don't think that its funny now, I had to explain it to you!

 

Perhaps slapstick is more your thing: An idiot, a lawyer, and a doctor are all stranded on a deserted island. One day a lamp washes up. The idiot rubs it and out pops a genie. The genie tells them that they can each have one wish. The lawyer wishes first and wishes that he were in Miami in a great hotel. The Genie nods his head and *Poof* the lawyer is gone. The doctor goes next, and he wishes to be back in his high-rise California condo. The genie nods his head and *Poof* the doctor is gone. The genie finally turns to the idiot and asks "And what would you like?" The idiot says, "Well, back at my home I have a lot of enemies. Here on this Island I have food and water and shelter that we all built. Now I'm just kind of lonely. I wish I had my two friends back."

[Mad78]

Since we are on politician jokes:

 

Which politician has a weak bladder?

 

Tony Blair because he is always behind a Bush.

[DarthTex]

A Dutchman, a Frenchman, and an American are in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

 

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death.

 

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

 

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

 

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

 

The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

 

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

 

The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

 

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the American replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

 

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, so be it. "And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheik asked.

 

The American replied: "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

[Mad78]

Now that is nasty.

[DarthTofu]

My sister read that one over my shoulder after my howls of laughter drew her. She was apparently offended and thought that Americans are far too mean and have no right to be... I guess she was sort of correct, 'specially since France is kind of in the "Whew, good thing we didn't lose hundreds of armed forces over a war inspired by oil and faulty intelligance!" stage right now. Though in the spirit of being mean and trashing the French for things they don't deserve:

 

A supermodel, an American, and A Frenchmen are riding in the same car on a train. The train goes through a tunnel and there is a smooching sound and then a whack. When they emerge from the tunnel the supermodel looks shocked and the Frenchmen is holding his jaw. The supermodel thinks " The Frenchmen must have tried to kiss me when we went through the tunnel and then the American came to my defense and punched him."

 

The Frenchmen thinks "The American must have kissed the supermodel when we went through the tunnel. She tried to hit him but missed in the dark and got me.

 

The American thinks "This is great! Next time we go through a tunnel I can kiss the supermodel and sock that French bastard again!"

[AdmiralFishface]

Give up, I have the worst jokes.

 

"Doctor, my arm hurts when I move it like this!"

"Don't move it like this then."

 

An old pirate walks through town, when, on a marketplace, he comes across a really pretty steering wheel. Just the one he wanted to decorate his cabin with. So he goes ahead, buys it, manages to get it for a good price even.

With the big wheel in his hands he can't get to his wallet, and doesn't want to let go of his treasure, either, so, being the witty pirate he is, he tucks the wheel into his loose-fitting pants.

At that point his first officer comes around. He looks at his captain for a while who is still fishing for his wallet, and says: "Ahoi cap'n! Do y'know ye got a steering wheel in yer pants?"

The captain looks up. "Aye! It's drivin' me nuts!"

 

Tourist to british waiter:

"Give me a bloody beef!"

British waiter to tourist:

"Do you want some f**king potatoes too?"

 

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

- A fsh.

 

Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?

- Because he was out standing in his field.

[DarthTofu]

*Shoots Fishface's fish face off. Okay, hows this for your fate? I hope you are forced to hear the horrible jokes Mad and I have concocted (Tex, you don't count, yours were funny) for an eternity unable to utter your own jokes and forced to give us praise!

 

A piece of string walks into a bar and attempts to buy a drink. The bartender says "We can't allow you to drink, sorry."

 

Determined to get that drink, the piece of string goes out and ties himself into a knot and frays his ends. He walks back into the bar and orders a drink again. The bartender looks at him funny and says, "Say, aren't you the same guy that came in here and tried to buy a drink a bit ago?"

 

The string replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

 

I have a book full of religious jokes called "Thank God I'm an Atheist" that I would quote from were I not going to offend people, though I think I can get away with this one:

 

A Scottish atheist is rowing along Loch Ness when suddenly the Loch ness monster appears beneath him, throws him and his boat into the air and is about to snap up the Scotsmen when he cries "Oh, God!"

 

Time stops and God appears saying, "I thought you didn't believe in me?"

 

The atheist looks at God incredulously and says "Yeah, well five minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster, either!"

[Saron2of4]

Heres one.

Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over.Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts," My friend just droppeddead!What should I do?"

A soothing voice at the other end says "Don't worry I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead"

After a brief silence the operator hears a shot.Then Joe comes back to the phone.

"Okay." he says nervously to the operator."What do I do next?"

.......

Here's another

Two campers went hiking in the woods when one of them is bitten on the rear by a Rattlesnake."I'll go into town for a doctor, "the other says. He then runs ten miles to small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.

"I can't leave,"the doctor says."But here's what to do.Take a knife,cut alittle X where the bite is,suck out the posoin and spit it on the ground."

The guy runs back to his friend,who is in agony."What did the doctor say?" the victim cries.

"He says you're gonna die."

......

[Mad78]

In a British Pub at the closing time

Bartender: "Time Gentlemen!"

Clients: "Eleven Thrity"

 

 

In a little fishing village a Journalist is sitting in a Bar listening to the two only other clients who are sitting at the other end of the Bar.

One of the two is gesticulating madly.

"Its was as big as this! A real monster, never seen anything like it!!!"

THe other just sits there listening silently.

After a moment the one who was telling the story leaves. The Journalist then walks up to the other man, a smile on his face.

"Ahhh these fishermen! All the same!" he laughs

The other one stares at him with an amazed look on his face.

"A Fisherman! Nah that my doctor."

 

And now time for a gross joke

 

Two prostitutes are in a lift.

The first one: "I smell some sperm."

The other one: "Sorry i burped."

[DarthTex]

Five Story Hotel

 

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

 

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside. But, once you go up to a floor, you can’t come back down."

 

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

 

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

 

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

 

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

 

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

 

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

[DarthTofu]

Niiiiiiiiiiiiiice... Can't say I agree with it on all accounts, but I do on some (Guess that comes from having two sisters and having had to engage in mele combat for the first ten years of my life to survive )

 

I'm racking my brain for another joke... Nope, racking doesn't do any good, I'll put it back in my head again... I got nothing but this one:

 

Two people whohate eachother, Bob and Tom, are in a race. Upon arriving at the gym where the race is to be held free of spectators, they find that they are the only two contestants, Bob wins the race by a nose and goes out to his family crowing triumphantly that he won. Tom goes out and when his family asks him how he did he says, "Not to bad. I came in second, but poor Tom came in next to last."

[DarthTex]

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. When the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

 

Embarrassed, and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn’t.

 

A little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

 

With an embarrassed smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make it.

 

About this time, a large Texan, who was standing behind her picked her up by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

 

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be-Samaritan and yelled, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t know you!â€

[DarthTofu]

...Where do you get this stuff, Tex? Or is it a hereditary Texan thing?

 

A duck walks into a hardware store one day, walks up to the counter, and asks the man sitting there if he has any duck food. The man laughs and replies, "This is a hardware store, why would we have duck food?"

 

The duck leaves the store, but the next day he returns and asksthe same question. The man is still there and says, "No, I already told you, this is a hardware store, we don't carry duck food."

 

This goes on for about a month until the clerk finally gets fed up and screams "NO! We still don't have any duck food! If you come back asking for duck food again, I'll grab you by the neck and nail your feet to the cieling!"

 

The next day the duck walks in again. He approaches the clerk and asks, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk blushes and replies that no, a roofing company bought them all that morning.

 

The duck nods, then asks, "Do you have any duck food?"

[DarthTex]

A major network is planning another "Survivor" show this winter. In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style."

 

The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Sweetwater, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas.

 

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."

 

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

[DarthTofu]

Nice. Very nice. Now for Survivor Florida style its: Get in a car and drive around on a highway for a while. The last person who's car still works from not getting hit from the nearly blind old people (Some of whom were out using the braille en-scripted drive-by ATM machines) wins.

[Mad78]

I love this thread!!!

 

What is the difference between some extreme arab countries and Europe?

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

Well the arab countries the women get stoned to death when they commit adultery.

In Europe they commit adultery when they get stoned.

[DarthTex]

State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.

 

"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for a beautiful Castle right now!" He gets one.

 

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." OOPS!

 

He's back in his government office.

[DarthTofu]

That was pretty cold...

 

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two: One to actually do it and another to prove that he himself did.

 

Saw something on SNL the other night regarding Alexander the Great. People were talking about how everyone thought he was gay, and so decided to discuss his tactics instead. I believe that it went something along the lines of: Unknown to his enemies, Alexander hid entire regiments from his navy inside of his armies. Then, when fighting the Greeks he wuld force the enemy phalnaxes apart and enter the rear of the Greek army. Then, in the midst of battle they would open up and send a horde of sea men pouring forth into the penetrated rear of the Greek army! Proceeds to laugh head off and falls off of chair drawing odd looks from everyone else in the drafting class room.

[DarthTex]

More of a story than a joke, but still funny ...

 

They have a Chili Cook-off in Houston about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.

 

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy s__t, what the h__l is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s__t-faced from all of the beer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. gal is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I passed gas and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Sc__w those rednecks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I messed on myself when I expelled a little of the gas and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my tush with a snow cone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like stuff to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

[Mitth_raw_nuruodo]

LOVE it Tex!

 

What's the most common ailment among French Armed Forces?

(raises arms over head) Sunburned armpits.

 

AND...

 

Why are French roads bordered by trees?

To give the invading armies some scenery as they come a'conquering.

[General_Crespin]

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen is in Trouble:

 

10. Sometimes sleeps past 6am.

9. In his bureau drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!"

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful sportswear.

3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for driving his buggy "under the influence of cottage cheese."

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

 

---

 

ABBOT: Computer Support Group. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.

ABBOT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.

ABBOT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou.

ABBOT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?

ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

ABBOT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows?

COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOT: Recommended something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOT: Yes.

COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.

ABBOT: Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOT: Word.

COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?

ABBOT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: The Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"

ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

ABBOT: Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?

ABBOT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?

ABBOT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOT: Real One.

COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOT: You click the blue 1.

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOT: The blue 1.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is Real One. The blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"

ABBOT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?

ABBOT: Just one copy.

COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?

ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.

COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

ABBOT: Why not? They own it.

COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?

ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.

COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

ABBOT: Money.

COSTELLO: You sell money?

ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.

COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a

business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

ABBOT: Simply Accounting.

COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

ABBOT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business.

COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know-accounting? You do it with money.

ABBOT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.

COSTELLO: More money?

ABBOT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.

COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might, what's the word? Crash? And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?

ABBOT: Go Back.

COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

ABBOT: Go Back.

COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

ABBOT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was Go Back.

COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere?

Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?

ABBOT: Word.

COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

ABBOT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.

ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Computer Support Group. Can I help you?

[DarthTofu]

Sorry, the A&C thing was already used in the "Abbot and Costello" thread. Wow, that was a good one there, Tex. I nearly got hysterical laughing to the point where my sister came over said "oh" and made a racist joke I will not repeat.

 

All I have left to extract for my arsenal is a random poem I shall now recite for you (Sort of):

 

One bright day in the middle of the night

Two dead boys got up to fight.

Back to back they faced each other

Drew their swords, and shot each other.

A deaf policemen heard the noise,

And came to kill the two dead boys

If you don't believe my story's true

Ask the blind man; He saw it, too.

[Mad78]

How do you recognise a stupid execution squad?

They stand in a circle.

 

 

Core that had me in hysterics Tex!!!

[DarthTex]

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket.

 

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

 

"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

 

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.

 

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

 

The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

 

When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

 

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

 

"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

 

When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

 

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"

[Mitth_raw_nuruodo]

keep em comin Tex...yours are the best so far.