joke

[Mitth_raw_nuruodo]

Oh, come on Rob. Everyone on here that knows me knows I don't mean half the sh!t that comes out of my mouth, or in this case, the things I type.

[Darth_Rob]

Hey, I was just making my own bit of Tofu-busting. I have absolutely no problem with what you said.

[DarthTofu]

Gee, thanks. Just for that, I give you some more corny physics jokes!

 

Power and Work catch up to the guy who hit Energy later and corner him.

"The hell did you do that for?" They ask him.

"Sorry. Just impulse, I guess."

 

A fellow is walking along when he notices a large number of resistors in his friends yard. He knocks on his friend's door and says, "Hey, you have a bunch of resistors in your yard!"

"Yeah, I know," says his friend. "I've taken a liking to garden Ohms."

[Krytos]

This is why I don't visit these forums much these days - such terrible posts

[Mitth_raw_nuruodo]

Oh, but Krytos, you can't hold Tofu against the rest of us.

[Krytos]

I'll try to keep that in mind

[Mitth_raw_nuruodo]

Be sure that you do.

[Krytos]

Reviving an oldie

 

Economic Models explained with Cows

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.

 

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

 

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

 

NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.

 

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

 

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

 

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

 

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

 

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

 

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

 

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

 

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

 

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

 

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide..

 

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

 

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

 

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

 

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

 

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

 

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.

 

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

 

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....

 

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

 

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.

[Evaders99]

I'm cracking up here!!!

[Lord_La_forge]

Those were great!!

[Lord_La_forge]

DP.

 

Guess Hungarian report would be:

 

You have 2 cows.

They hate each other and they hate you too. There is never any milk

[Mad78]

Great one Kryt. Though it does sound familiar.

[Krytos]

DP.

 

Guess Hungarian report would be:

 

You have 2 cows.

They hate each other and they hate you too. There is never any milk

 

Is there something happening in Hungary that we don't know about?

 

Great one Kryt. Though it does sound familiar.

Yeah, I think we've had the main part of the joke before - but this was a little longer

[Lord_La_forge]

Is there something happening in Hungary that we don't know about?

 

You don't want to know... the country is split apart to the lefties and the righties as it is in every country, but here it is a bit different: the two parties and most followers do HATE each other (even in families).

Besides, Hungary is the most gloomiest place in the World anyway

http://www.phespirit.info/gloomysunday/article_02.htm

http://ec.europa.eu/health/ph_determinants/life_style/mental/docs/Hungary.pdf

And we make a good progress with suicide too: second place! (though I'm sure, we are first)

 

Fortunetly, I'm not badly infected (ok I've just ruined the most positive swr topic ever)

But make sure you supply me with enough quality jokes here, just in case...

[DarthTofu]

lol- only you would take a topic entitled "Jokes" and talk about a high suicide rate, LLF. Actually, no. Half a dozen other forum members would probably do that. Hell, even I would probably do that, and not just out of a desire to keep people from thinking that I'm generally chipper- just because I'd find that to be a semi-funny joke. Which is probably really, really morbid.

 

An actual (offensive) joke.

 

Two nuns are walking along when suddenly a pair of rapists jump out and attack them, committing their crime. "Father, bless him! He knows not what he does!" cries the first nun.

 

The second nun shakes her head sadly and says, "Mine does."

[Mad78]

That is actually a pretty good one Tofu! i will have to remember it.

[Evaders99]

Dos: two beers, two Mexican beers

Ray: the guy who sells me beer

Me: the guy who drinks the beer

Far: A long long way to beer

So, I think I'll have a beer

La la la la la la beer

Tea? No thanks I'll have a beer

and that brings us back to dos

 

 

haha

[Darth_Rob]

HAHA That was a good one E.

[DarthTofu]

Ba-bump.

 

The forums appear to be dead of late, so I'm going to tell a somewhat dirty joke I recently heard, which I found quite funny. I imagine I'll receive a number of facepalms in response, but oh well.

 

A fellow walks into a bar and sees a jar full of ten dollar bills with a sign that says, "Ask how to win this." Curious, he asks the bartender, and is told that he must put ten dollars in to hear how to win. The man shrugs and places ten dollars in the jar. The bartender nods, and explains the contest.

 

"To win the jar you have to completely three trials. First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila, by itself, without making a face. Second, there's a bulldog out back with a mean temper and a sore tooth. Using your bare hands, you have to reach into his mouth and pull out the sore tooth without killing the dog. Third, there's a 99-year old woman upstairs who has never had an orgasm. You have to make things right for her."

 

Appalled, the man refuses, and turns to drinking with some friends. As the night wears on he changes his mind, though, and calls to the bartender, saying that he wants to try to win the jar of money. The man drinks the pepper tequila down and, though tears run freely from his eyes, he gets it all down without making a face. Then, stumbling, he goes out the back door toward the bulldog.

 

The patrons hear nothing but a series of loud barks and violent noises, until finally the barking stops and the man stumbles back in. He is cut up and bloody, but still stands determined. "Alright!" he yells. "Now where's the old lady with the sore tooth?!"

[Krytos]

I'll raise your joke or some real world Call centre phone calls - not mine

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'

Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'

Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'

Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'

 

Samsung Electronics

Caller:'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'

 

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?'

Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'

 

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )

'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

 

Directory Enquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'

Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'

 

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'

Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland . '

 

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'

 

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'

Customer: 'OK.'

Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No.'

Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No.'

Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'

Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'

[DarthTofu]

http://jokes.comedycentral.com/random_joke.aspx?joke_id=11058

 

>.< Quite possibly the best joke I've found on there...

[DarthTex]

I've heard that one a long time ago Tofu, but decorum kept me from posting it here. I should have known it would be posted somewhere on the internet, AND that you would find it.

[DarthTofu]

Fifty Fun Things To Do In An Elevator:

 

 

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

4. Whistle the first seven notes of ''It's a Small World'' incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you''re on rough seas.

7. Shave. (Especially if you're a woman.)

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got enough air in there?"

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, "Admiral".

14. One word: Flatulence!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I've got new socks on!"

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!"

19. Give religious literature to each passenger.

20. Meow occasionally.

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"

23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24. Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons.

25. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You''re one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28. Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!"

29. Leave a box between the doors.

30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.

32. Start a sing-along.

33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"

34. Play the harmonica.

35. Shadow box.

36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.

37. Lean against the button panel.

38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons.

39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space".

41. Bring a chair along.

42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

43. Blow spit bubbles.

44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."

50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"

[Lord_La_forge]

1. and 10. are the best LOL

thanks

[DarthTofu]

You are riding on a beautiful white horse.

On your left side is a drop off.

On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.

In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way

and you can't seem to overtake them.

Behind you is a stampede of horses.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

 

Answer: Get your drunk @$$ off the Merry-Go-Round!