joke

[DarthTofu]

Where's Mitth, I need to make a middle finger for the screen... Hehe, just kidding... Jeese, I'll appologize for anything I say today in advance- when air softing one tends to swear more and get pissed off more easily, particularly when they get shot at point blank range and someone thinks they're a lot better than you just because they spent more money on their gun... Hehe, yeah...

 

 

And now for a bad pun joke that I'm too lazy to check back on to see if I've already told:

 

A man is out boating one day when he comes upon a dolphin. The dolphin looks at him and tells the man that he is an immortal dolphin, and that he and his kin of immortal dolphins can only die of starvation, and right now, their starving. He tells the man that they eat only seagulls, and that if he can bring them several they will reward him richly.

Highly excited the man marks their location and heads back to mainland where he promptly shoots several sea gulls.

As he returns to the boat, however, a pack of lions is lying in his path.

The man decides that its worth the risk to get back to his ship, so he very slowly, very carefully steps over the first lion and so on and so forth.

Finally he reaches the end and is nearly to his ship when two police officers grab him and place him under arrest.

"What in the world am I under arrest for?" the man asks as his rights are read.

The officer finishes the reading and says, "For transporting gull across sedate lions for immortal porpoises" (Read it out loud if you don't get it)

[Mitth_raw_nuruodo]

................/´¯/)

............,/¯../ /

.........../..../ /

...../´¯/'...'/´¯¯.`·¸

../'/.../..../.....:^.¨¯\

('(...´...´.... ¯_/'...'/

.\.................'..../

..'\'...\.......... _.·´

....\..............(

 

No more stupid jokes Tofu!

[DarthTofu]

...../´¯/'¯¯'/´¯¯.`·¸

../'/.../..../.....:^.¨¯\

('(...´...´.... ¯_/'...'/

.\.................'..../

..'\'...\.......... _.·´

....\..............( *

 

The fist with which I punch Mitth in the face... Which is really just my alteration of his middle finger...

[Mitth_raw_nuruodo]

I feel I should give credit where credit is due.... Underdog was the one who gave me the birdie. Thanks Undie.

[Guest Scathane]

(Read it out loud if you don't get it)

I did and I still don't get it...

[Krytos]

(Read it out loud if you don't get it)

I did and I still don't get it...

 

Ditto

Perhaps itt's another joke you'd get if you lived in America?

[Mad78]

Ditto to Krytos and Scath. Explain please Tofu.

[DarthTofu]

Okay, "For transporting gull across sedate lions for immortal porpoises" should have sounded very similar to an actual charge- "Transporting gold across state lines for immoral purposes" Now do you guys get it? Honestly, have puns died everywhere else in the world?

[Mad78]

I guess we need the american accent

[Defender_16]

The "Gull" part was the only thing messing it up for me.

[Mitth_raw_nuruodo]

An 'American' accent isn't what you really need... You actually want one of the Three Stooges. I'm fairly certain it's the bigger one...his name escapes me at the moment...

[DarthTofu]

Rise! Rise! Give my creation LIFE!!!

 

Yes, folks, I've gone back through three pages of dead threads just to find the joke thread. Why? Because it has some great jokes, and because I just heard a good one!

 

An atheist and a Christian are driving along a highway when they get into a head-on collision. Neither driver is harmed, but both cars are totalled.

 

"You know," says the Christian, "I think this is a sign that we should put aside our differances and just be friends."

 

"You're right!" says the atheist. "Here, let's drink to it!" he pulls a bottle of burbon out of his trunk and hands it to the Christian, who takes a long swig.

 

"Your turn," says the Christian, handing it to the atheist.

 

"Nah," replies the atheists, throwing it away where it can't be found. "I think I'll just wait for the police to arrive."

Edited July 20, 2007 by DarthTofu

[Mad78]

Great one Tofu! Now I have to think of a joke... I'll post one later.

[mandalore-the-inquizitor]

one day a man said to my sister god you stink i stand up for her saying like shit she does

[uber]

The manager of an office firm had been noticing how exceptionally well one of his employees was doing at his job. Knowing that this young man's talent would be better suited for running one of the other firms in the corporation the manager put in a good word and was able to get him a transfer to Canada where he would be managing his very own office.

 

The manager approached the young man and said "Congratulations, you got that manager's position in Canada!"

 

The young man replied, "Canada!? I don't want to go to Canada! There's nothing there but hockey players and prostitutes!"

 

Appalled by what the young man said, the manager quickly responded by saying "Excuse me, but my wife is Canadian."

 

The young man sheepishly replied, "Really, what team does she play on?"

[mandalore-the-inquizitor]

An 'American' accent isn't what you really need... You actually want one of the Three Stooges. I'm fairly certain it's the bigger one...his name escapes me at the moment...

i do belive you meen curl nyunk nyunk

[Evaders99]

New Company Policy

 

Effective immediately!!!

 

DRESS CODE:

 

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $305 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not neeed a raise. If you Dress in-between you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

 

SICK DAYS:

 

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

 

SURGERY:

 

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employees here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

 

PERSONAL DAYS:

 

Each Employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

 

VACATION DAYS:

 

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows:Jan. 1, July 4, and Dec. 25

 

ABSENSE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:

 

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

 

RESTROOM USE:

 

In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical Order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go From 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employee's supervisers must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company builletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

 

LUNCH BREAK:

 

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 for lunch to get a balancing meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

 

************************************************************

 

Thank for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a postive employment experience. Therefore, all questions. comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insuations, allegations, accusations, complentations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

 

Have a nice day!

[Mad78]

That is brilliant E.

[mandalore-the-inquizitor]

That is brilliant E.

land on floor laughs

[DarthTofu]

Frankenthread lives!

 

This one's a bit naughty, so nobody under thirteen gets to read it; you've been warned!

 

A woman with no arms and no legs lives on the beach, and every day she sees an attractive young man run by her on the beach. One day she starts to cry, and he jogs over to her.

 

"What's wrong?" he asks, and she says, "I've never been held before!"

 

Being a generous, kind fellow, he takes her in his arms and holds her. She is happy.

 

The next day she sees him going by once more, and decides to try the same tactic, crying once more. He returns and, mildly annoyed, asks why she is crying. She replies, "I've never been kissed."

 

He makes to leave, but she sobs harder, so he kisses her to make her feel better.

 

Flush with success, on the third day, the woman sobs once more. Now very annoyed, the man jogs up to her and asks, "Now what's wrong?"

 

She replies, "I've never been fucked before."

 

He nods sympathetically, takes her in his arms, and walks out to the ocean, throwing her into the deep water and yelling, "There! Now you're fucked!"

 

Horrible, yes, but I'll be damned if it ain't funny!

[Darth_Rob]

I'll admit that that caused a chuckle out of me. I was never good at jokes. Im more a "say random stuff" person.

[DarthTofu]

*Blows off dust* And now a really painful physics joke! If you don't know your units, I suggest that you look them up, or else you'll feel foolish.

 

Work, Power, and Energy are walking along when suddenly a masked assailant leaps out and attacks Energy. He runs off a moment later, but all three fall to the ground in agony.

 

"Hey!" yells Energy. "Why are you two crying? I'm the one he hit!"

 

"Are you kidding?" Power shoots back. "We just got kicked in the Joules!"

[Mad78]

Possibly one of the worst jokes i ever heard.

[Mitth_raw_nuruodo]

No more, Tofu. You fail at life.

[Darth_Rob]

No more, Tofu. You fail at life.

 

Thats just a tad bitch harsh. He fails at some aspects of life, but not life in general. Give the guy SOME credit.