I'm uh...writing a uh...story

[Mikan Cyclone]

I don't have a name for it, but working title is Discovery.  It's a Halo fanfic about a Ship Master who finds a ship graveyard of Forerunner technology.  After that I haven't planned, I just started this at the spur of the moment. I'll post the first paragraph.  If I complete Chapter 1, you must pay me 5000 credits.  In a rhesus monkey suit.  Failure to bring said rhesus monkey suit (or credits) will result in the head explosion of the first one I see.  I hope I don't look at a mirror...

 

SLIPSPACE: EN ROUTE TO CLASSIFIED LOCATION

TIME: 21:07:87.45

ABOARD CCS CLASS VESSEL DESTINY’S SPEAR

 

A shuffle of feet.  “Ship Master, maneuvering out of Slipspace on your mark.”

Numerous clicks are heard from the panel. “On my mark, Nav.  3. 2. 1. Mark.”

A silent explosion.  Stars suddenly wink into existence as a portal opens from the non-physical realm of Slipspace. A sleek, purple vessel streaks out of the void.  Holes in its wing are an ever-present reminder of past glories. It’s shield partially flickered into existence as a minute chunk of debris shattered into it. It wasn’t the only one.  There were thousands of chunks of debris here.  Only this wasn’t just debris.  It was a massive pile of ships.  The Graveyard of the Damned as it was called in Covenant Tradition.  Ghosts were supposed to litter these fleet, with working ships able to annihilate a supercarrier in one blow.  It was this that Ship Master Cyco ‘Camalee was looking for. 

 

That last sentence starts the next paragraph but was needed to complete the effect.  Any criticism's or ideas one might want to share?

[Dorkthehunter]

Alright...let me see if I am understanding this correctly. This Ship Master comes out of Slipspace(Hyperspace)in the middle of a huge pile of debris that actually used to be ships. And so the Ship Master has found what he is looking for.

 

A few suggestions/comments: Aren't holes in a ship bad? Shouldn't that get fixed? 

Make sure you introduce your character, the ship, the setting, and whatnot in the next few paragraphs so it all makes sense. Why are they there? Why are they looking for the ship? Who is Ship Master Cyco 'Camalee? What is his experience? Why is his ship purple(is it a Ghost)? What is the name of his ship(if it has one)?

 

Just questions to think about over the next paragraphs.

 

It is a good idea for a story. I look forward to the next sections. (you can post more than one paragraph at a time if you want)  ;D

[Mikan Cyclone]

Characters, plot, and bridge crew are expounded upon in the next couple paragraphs.  This is just the first one.

 

I guess I should change the "holes" thing to something like "pits" or "grooves" or "dents".  It is not a ghost, it is a ship like the Truth and Reconciliation, as pictured here: http://nikon.bungie.org/misc/sloftus_covenantcruiser/images/ta_fore1.jpg

 

Now, If you had read the setting thing at the top, this would be answered.  Just for clarification, it's a CCS Class Covenant Cruiser (as pictured) that's name is Destiny's Spear.  Camalee is a ship master.  His previous experience will be discussed later ;P

 

It's a graveyard full of Forerunner ships from some massive battle.  I guess I should expound on that.  Back when the forerunners still existed, they gathered a massive fleet and fought an unknown enemy, presumably the flood.  Hundreds and thousands of ships were destroyed, only to be left orbiting through out the system.  Covenant explorers discovered the place, and were driven off by some apparently working ships that decimated the force.  I'll explain what Cyco's doing there next paragraph.

[Dorkthehunter]

Now, If you had read the setting thing at the top, this would be answered.  Just for clarification, it's a CCS Class Covenant Cruiser (as pictured) that's name is Destiny's Spear.  Camalee is a ship master.  His previous experience will be discussed later ;P

 

Yeah...I missed the stuff in big, bold letters and all caps. Doh! It all makes sense now....

[jessica85]

Consider using emotional richness and depth while writing the divorce letter for the story. A good letter can reveal character fights and motivations by combining compassion and honesty. Examine themes of growth, change, and resolution with it.