Damn Gnomes...

[Foshjedi2004]

All the main physics principles can be explained away by the existence of tiny gnomes.

 

Electricity:

Inside cables there are hundreds of tiny gnomes 'high-fiving' each other and running around swapping messages. This transfer of messages allows things to work, e.g. the gnomes in a plug socket tell the gnomes in the wire, who eventually tell the gnomes in (say) a kettle to fart in the water allowing it to boil.

 

Computers:

Computers are run by tiny gnomes. They do all the work sat at tiny desks inside your PC. When you turn it off they can all go home and have a rest before they are needed again. The screen is in fact an arrangement of gnomes wearing different colour hats.

 

Atoms:

Atoms are in fact miniscule gnomes, all holding hands and feet etc together to form an intricate web from which nearly everything in this universe is comprised of. Radioactivity occurs when a rebel gnome is catapulted by his friends from their structure. Should this gnome come into contact with the gnomes from our body, he will offer them beer, thus making the local area benign or 'cancerous'.

 

States:

A solid is a closely compacted arrangement of gnomes, all holding hands, hats and legs. Heating (see Energy) causes the gnomes to becoming exited (or 'tickled'). This means they start to lose a grip on their neighbours; thus becoming a liquid. When the gnomes become tickled 'pink' they just can no longer hold on and float away (in groups upwards of one) becoming a 'Gas'.

 

Gravity:

As we are all well aware gnomes like the ground. They all strive to be in the ground, and this is where the basic theory for gravity comes from. Gnomes throw tiny (obviously unseen to the human eye) ropes to the ground. These ropes attach to unseen hooks allowing the gnomes to pull themselves towards the ground. There is minimal gravity away from bodies (e.g. in space) because very few gnomes have long enough ropes. All bodies have a gravitational attraction to each other because gnomes are sociable creatures and enjoy large gatherings.

 

Light:

If you think about it, its quite obvious really. The gnomes that make up our eyes can see what colour other gnomes making up, say a table, are wearing. They then hi-five gnomes in our 'optical nerve' who run to tell the brain gnomes what has been seen. This makes us think we are seeing things when in fact it is all gnomes.

 

Anti-matter:

Now this is a little more complicated. There are evil gnomes. These make up anti-matter. Done.

 

Energy:

All types of energy are transferred through gnomes. Heat is just gnomes rubbing other gnomes. Potential energy is when gnomes don’t want to be separated (see 'Gravity'). Kinetic energy is the movement of gnomes. Energy is always conserved so fundamental gnomes (see below) are only ever transferred and never made or destroyed.

 

Gnomes:

So what are gnomes made up of themselves? They are surely not fundamental? They are comprised of billions of even smaller gnomes. These smaller gnomes are known as 'Super-gnomes'. Super-gnomes are made up of billions of even smaller gnomes known as 'Hyper-Gnomes'. Hyper-gnomes are the fundamental building block of everything.

 

 

Now that we have covered the basics of gnome theory we are going to discuss and 'explain away' certain physical phenomena.

 

Aurora Borealis/Australis (Northern/Southern Lights):

Having seen the principles concerning light in gnome theory this northern spectacle can now be explained. Gnomes become blind when they stay too long with the gnomes in the sun (because their clothing is really bright). They thus tend to get lost when the sun gnomes let go of them. Some of these blind gnomes accidentally attach their ropes to earth, and are thus pulled towards it (see Gravity). When they reach the gnomes in the upper 'atmosphere' of the earth they realise that they're not the only gnomes in the universe and so have a tiny party/celebration. During this festive time the gatherings round the north and south of the earth have access to changes of clothes (e.g. from Santa). They take advantage of this wardrobe and the changing of clothes makes us perceive a colourful oscillating light in the sky.

 

Mobile Phones:

'Scientists' may try and fool you with talk of 'waves', but please don’t believe these distracting and frankly stupid theories. Mobile phones are built (by gnomes) to incorporate a gnome catapult. These devices are worked by gnomes in your mobile phone (which coincidently is made up of gnomes) to fire their gnome friends upwards when you place a call. The gnomes are fired into space where they land on 'satellites' (also made of gnomes). The gnome satellites then catapult separate gnomes to the mobile you are trying to contact (if you are attempting to 'connect' with a land line the gnomes are fired at a landing station where they run and hi-five down wires to the other phone receiver). When the gnomes reach the receiver you are connecting with there is an exchange of messages, hi-fives and presents (the unwrapping is the crackle you hear). More catapulting occurs back to the satellite and then to your phone. This process continues so that what you say is 'transmitted' to the other phone and vice-versa (the process is VERY quick, as these gnomes travel at the speed of light-gnomes). A call 'breaks up' or has no 'signal' when the presents exchanged are so good the gnomes don’t bother coming back, but just sit and play.

 

Food:

Gnomes make up everything, including food. When we eat, say, a sandwich the gnomes making up the sandwich are digested and travel to our stomach. The stomach gnomes are so pleased to see other gnomes that a party soon gets underway (when you eat too quickly the party gets out of hand very quickly thus causing indigestion). The party is of course a wild affair, and the beer flows free while the gnomes party hard. The morning after (which in human time is only like 4-6 hours) the clean up begins. The stomach gnomes collect up the rubbish in bin bags. Intestine gnomes (the bin-men of the human body) collect up these bags and take them through the intestine to the... well I’m sure you can guess. The bum gnomes then drop these bags of rubbish out of the body (known as a landfill). Different varieties of foods are of course different nationalities of gnomes. Spicy foods are Asian gnomes. Because these gnomes party particularly hard the morning after is particularly bad. They also like to smoke, which is why humans feel 'gaseous effects' after a rather spicy meal.

 

Gnome food:

Gnomes also need to eat and drink and it can be easily extrapolated from gnomes’ theory how this occurs. The gnome digestion process occurs as described above but their food is made up of super-gnomes, who party in their stomachs. Of course, super-gnomes are also hungry entities and eat food made up of hyper-gnomes. Due to the fact they hyper-gnomes are fundamental and can't be broken down into anything smaller they do not need to eat or drink.

 

Alcohol:

As all things are made of gnomes, it follows that even alcohol is made of gnomes. These are without doubt the rowdiest of all gnomes (except anti-gnomes). Alcohol gnomes divide into several groups. The first type look kindly and loving (which they indeed are) but have a stupendous sense of humour and love to play practical jokes. They will quickly travel to the brain gnomes upon arrival in the body and will wreak havoc with the head region; taking other gnomes clothes while they are in the shower, throwing eggs at nearby gnomes and the like. This causes the brain gnomes to become distracted, so the body doesn’t work as efficiently as normal running. The senses become distorted (e.g. vision) and the human seems to think they are invincible, and the other sex is more attractive. Wine is mostly made up of these gnomes and Females are particularly susceptible to this type. The next type is Beer (subdivided into Ale and lager subspecies) gnomes. These gnomes produce similar effects to the wine gnomes (especially if mixed - gnomes love to party) but through different methods. These gnomes (instead of being fun loving) are dangerous and enjoy getting in fights. They will provoke and cause violence against the gnomes in your brain, and swear loudly. They will push over desks and generally cause havoc. This is again why your senses become distorted etc. The last type of alcohol gnomes is 'spirit' gnomes (who are NOT supernatural). These type of gnomes are really sneaky and cunning. They can very quickly (for they are quite strong and obviously quick) infiltrate the gnome office of the brain and begin to sneakily alter the brain gnome’s work. They will send fake emails (to the amusement of the wine gnomes), cause brain gnomes to work on useless tasks and generally ensure the brain gnomes cannot do there job. These again cause ill effects to your bodies ability to work (normally).

[Relentless]

Less pot, Fosh, less pot.

[Grand Admiral Thrawn 889]

Less pot, Fosh, less pot.

 

i agree. Fosh smoke a little less.

[Ghostly_Substance]

lol, thats great  ;D They really like pissing you off also when you walk by one of their favorite plants they constantly scratch you endlessly.

[Grand Admiral Thrawn 889]

Ghostly seriously u and Fosh should lay off the pot.

 

now where's the Whiskey?

[Ghostly_Substance]

what pot? I don't see no cooking pot.

 

Well you know the random cuts you get on your hand when you know you didn't cut yourself? one of the hooks scratched your hand while trying to hold you down. If necessary they use jet-packs or from what I researched. They can't keep a plane or a fat person down since they are just to powerful that they create their own race of gnomes. These are a superior race of Gnomes who got A's in gnome school before getting sent to where ever they are needed. However since so little can get A's so quickly and mass quantities some of these fat people die from lack of care and the plane can crash without warning. Even the helicopters or boats can crash without many A scoring Superior Gnomes. They adapt to their scenery also so its hard to adapt quickly.  :

 

Oh and you know that feeling you get when someone is behind you and nobody is? Thats a Superior Gnome farting after a hard days job from the previous time and finally let it out.

 

edit: However this is what I researched.

[Controller]

*cough*your crazy*cough*

[Ghostly_Substance]

Oh so i'm crazy by maxing out the bandwidth and not letting pats going on the internet?  Oh wait its the gnomes putting cleanex into the pipes of Patsred  ;D

[Grand Admiral Thrawn 889]

*cough* insanity *cough*

 

Shot them before the hive virus spreads.

 

*pulls out a shotgun.

[Guest]

this is why we should avoid alcohol

[Droid803]

What are you smoking?...more importantly, what am I smoking? This is actually beliveable...O_O help me...

[Grand Admiral Thrawn 889]

Ok Seriously where's my shotgun must stop the oubreak now.

 

before it spreads.

 

*Pulls Shotgun from below Desk and goes Fosh hunting*

[Mikan Cyclone]

This is what I've been trying to tell people since forever!  It's all believable! AND IVE BEEN CLEAN FOR MONTHS! THEY CANT PROVE I WAS WITH THAT DEALER!

[Ghostly_Substance]

Me and this guy managed to capture ate rogue gnomes that are harmful toward any biological system.

 

http://vspx27.stanford.edu/cgi-bin/main.py?qtype=teampage&teamnum=56531

[Grand Admiral Thrawn 889]

Substance-San theres nothing there...

 

@Mikan i have photographic evidence You were with that Dealer. (namely Fosh).

 

It's a Plague must try harder at Fosh hunt.

[Controller]

*brings out a box of pitchforks and flaming torchs and some shotguns* *takes a shotgun and torch*, lets get fosh before its to late

[Mikan Cyclone]

Gat, that picture is a lie, and I have photographical evidence to prove it!  See this?  THis is a bad picture of you.  You don't want this to get out there and ruin your rep, do you?

 

*picks up MA5B (or halo assault Rifle, for those who don't know)*  Let's dance!

[Ghostly_Substance]

I caught seven more gnomes while my buddy caught 8 more gnomes that are evil.  ;D You can believe me once you click that link

[Grand Admiral Thrawn 889]

Ghostly i will hunt you as well.

 

*Finds Fosh and Shoots him.*

 

'o look a Gnome' *turns gun on self* Must kill self to stop Virus *Shoots Self.*

[Guest]

*puts fosh's head atop a pike and starts screaming in arabic*

[Foshjedi2004]

"When David Hasselhoff was born, the nurse said, "Holy sh!t! That's David Hasselhoff!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with."

[Grand Admiral Thrawn 889]

LoL *comes back to life cured of Virus.*

 

Pulls Shotgun shoots Fosh! and Ghostly*

[Ghostly_Substance]

Stop shooting me with tomatoes <.

[Guest]

now everyone's head is on a stick in my front lawn

 

موت إلى [فوش]! أنا سأتلقّى وجهه ريّانة بشكل لا يصدّق يخوزق على وتد في [فرونت رد] ي! أنا سأجرب ال كثير طبقات من دهن باتّجاه آخر من جسمه وسيحرقهم على مشعلة. أنا سوفت سآخذ [بونس] ه وسيستعملهم أن [أونكلوغ] مرحاضي! [نو موش] [نوم] ل أنت, كافر!وموت إلى أيّ أخرى [إينفيدلس] أنّ يتبعه مثل ال [سكبنتس] هم يكونون! أنا سأصفّ سياجي مع رؤوسهم كإنذار إلى أخرى.

[Controller]

can i have a translation?