Darth Noob Posted February 9, 2006 Share Posted February 9, 2006 (edited) this is my first fan fic take it easy on me plz. chapter 1.in a dark room to jedi walked they heard a few blaster shots from the next room over they opend up that door there was dead people on the ground and battle droids filled the room they started fighting the droids.the apprentice Anakin skywalker yelled master obi theres to many of them.ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.Obi - Wan was hit Anakin ran to him still reflecting the blaster shots.master he said.dont worry Anakin I'll be all right.Anakin picked up his master and jumped out the winow.mean while at the jedi council.Narkie Jat was training his apprentice his apprentice was only 10 years old his name was Larrick sheets.you are a great jedi said his the young jedi's master better then any 10 year old apprentice there is right now.thank you master and iam great full to be your apprentice.thank you my young apprentice.back with Obi - Wan and Anakin.bangbangbangdamit said Obi said as he got shot again.Anakin said hang on master iam calling for back up.beep beep beep.hello said master Yoda master Obi is hit we need back up now.yes young Skywalker right away.thank you master Yoda.back to Narkie.beep beep beep.hello.apprentice narkie yes master sideus.go to the planet hoth now there you well find Obi - Wan and Skywalker kill Obi leave Anakin alone.yes master.Narkie yes master Yoda.go to hoth u must help Obi and Anakin.yes master right away.bonk bonk bonk.Narkie was running to his ship he jumped in and left.to be continued. Edited February 12, 2006 by Cain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Megajames Posted February 9, 2006 Share Posted February 9, 2006 not bad but check the spelling and punctuation. Also needs more detail.PS: Can someone leave a comment on my clone story, found in fan fiction Evacuate, in our moment of triumph. I think you overestimate their chances. Please can you post a comment on My clone story, in fan fiction. http://pff.swrebellion.com/index.php?topic=2306.0 (\_/)(O.O)(> <) This is Bunny. Copy Bunny into your signature to help him on his way to world Domination Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Noob Posted February 10, 2006 Author Share Posted February 10, 2006 ill read it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kingdark Posted February 11, 2006 Share Posted February 11, 2006 You need to edit your post, it has some potential, but you realy need to add . ? , ! and more! You are going to fast remember that we only know what you write. So more details please http://miniprofile.xfire.com/bg/os/type/0/kingdark.png Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Noob Posted February 12, 2006 Author Share Posted February 12, 2006 a jedi battle was going on against the jedis and the battle droids out of the blue one of the most powerfull jedis Garke karo came riding on a boga killing the jedis Yoda said what the hell.Yoda, and Anakin, and Obi, and also Mace windu.charged after him.but this was a mistake he trew off his cape took out 5 more sabers wicth made 6 light sabers this took all the four jedis to take him down.this fight lasted 9 hours 30 minuets and 20 secconds.non stop they finaly all jumped in the raised there saber sliced his arms off and then cut his head off.but then he grew his head back befor they could say Obi. and he grew back his arms again to he got back his sabers and fought again he was inpossble to beat but then by the tim they cut off his head the three times.fell over and died it was so long so long to kill him it took 2 days 7 hours 2 minuets and 900 secconds.he was a jedi turrned bad he didnt even deserve triel he killed 8 jedisit was a tragic end for the lost jedis.but the dark jedi was killed gone for ever never ever coming back again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Noob Posted February 12, 2006 Author Share Posted February 12, 2006 sorry for my spelling Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kingdark Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 you dont have to hurry yourself but i recommend for editing it and getting as much grammar good as possible http://miniprofile.xfire.com/bg/os/type/0/kingdark.png Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Megajames Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 Not trying to be rude but personally I don't think that is very good, but keep trying and you will get better.Try my story for ideas, it is my first ever SW story but is not bad.And what is the poll about ??? Evacuate, in our moment of triumph. I think you overestimate their chances. Please can you post a comment on My clone story, in fan fiction. http://pff.swrebellion.com/index.php?topic=2306.0 (\_/)(O.O)(> <) This is Bunny. Copy Bunny into your signature to help him on his way to world Domination Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Noob Posted February 13, 2006 Author Share Posted February 13, 2006 in the shine of the sun a jedi fell he was shot in the heart by a droid he was dead they did not the jedi they baryed him he was a great jedi master he was master leek yahs so powerfull.then in two weeks after was baryed he broke out of his tume he broke out of the ground he was back from the dead every body saw him and thought he was a jedi from hell but he wasnt he was granted a seccond chance they tried to kill him because they thought he was evil from being alive again.but he would stop them.the jedi sent out a 50 jedis after him he would knock them out because he didnt want to kill them because he is a jedi to.they thought was his spiret to but nobody knew.he finaly.but one day his apprentice figured out that he was alive again they had he down on the ground about to kill him and then his apprentice jake gaht said noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo stop my master has been gave a seccond chance dont kill him please please said jake.he is evil jake evil.no he isnt he is alive again dont kill him.they had to make up there mind.it was 5 minuets later when they rased there sabers and killed him.jake yelled nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo how could u do that he was gave a secconed live and you killed him how could you.10 years later jake became a jdi master as great as his master was with a great apprentice then after a nother 10 years jake died the same way his master did but he was not gave a secconed chance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Noob Posted February 13, 2006 Author Share Posted February 13, 2006 as Narkie flew in space speeding tords hoth he made it to Anakin and Obi.he got out and said Anakin you can stay but your master well have to die and he charged Obi Anakin jumped and blocked him from killing Obi.so i was going to leave you alone but now your fighting back i'll have to kil you to.in your dreams Narkie.as there sabers went back and forth there faces got angryer.Anakin got Narkie in a saber lock.and then ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Anakin had cut off one of Narkies fingers.i can still fight with nine fingers haaa haaa haaa haaa.oh realy you said Anakin how about eight fingers.ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Anakin chopped off another one of his fingers.and then Anakin chopped off one of Narkies legs.ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.can u fight with eight fingers and one leg.Narkies face got red and angry.i hate you Anakin i hate yooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.the good news is Narkie i hate you to and Anakin stroke him down and Narkie was dead.Anakin tolled the council about Narkie the end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Noob Posted February 13, 2006 Author Share Posted February 13, 2006 its been 9000000000 years after the problem with Narkie the trader that turrned to the dark side.the council has been lead by Yoda Luke Skywalker and many more but the greates one ther is is this one more powerfull then Yoda more powerfull then Luke more powerfull then any jedi even Anakin Skywalker he couldnt even put up a fight against this leader not even close this leaders name is Gret Jer he is so powerfull he can do what darth plagus could do create live.he so great at handling a lightsaber so great with the force so great with everything nobody can take him down execpt for the sith and this is when all begins. A long time ago in a galexy far far away help help droids were falling but jedis were to more jedis dead then there was droids but then this young leader of the council only 18 years old came runing runig so fast they could barly see him with in two secconds all the droids were dead gone burnt up in to bellions of peaces this youn leaders name is Gret J Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Noob Posted February 13, 2006 Author Share Posted February 13, 2006 forget the story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Noob Posted February 13, 2006 Author Share Posted February 13, 2006 prologue. it is after episode 6 after the ewaks defated the storm troopers on endor Luke Skywalker started a new jedi council Luke Sklywalker brought balence to the force in episode 6 but what happend after endor nobody knows you know what happend a new council was built on Yavin four a big old temple was made in to a new new jedi council along with other old twemples Luke well have to test his skill against the new sith in a fearce battle on tatooien. A LONG TIME AGO IN A GALEXY FAR FAR AWAY. in the mist of the coldness a young jedi wallked in two the new concil it was Luke Skywalker the jedi who built the new council as he wallked in he saw young ones traing old ones getting asind with a master masters an there apprentices getting ready for there new mission.how Luke loved this place then one day his brotherin law Hon Solo and his sister came to the council.and said Luke Luke Luke there was a person a thing with a light saber that attacked us it had the force to.Luke said back shouldnt hon be able to take it down.very funny kid.well ill check in to it.thank you Luke could we talk to are son Anakin.sure said Luke hey Anakin.yes uanckle Luke some ones here to vist you.ok iam coming.mom dad.hey how are you doing son.fine how are you.were great son.how have you been doin with your traing said hons.great unckle Luke is the best jedi ever.right unckle luke.yep.unckle Luke could my mom and dad stay here tonight.sure if its ok with them.that sounds great son.weepe.ok son go back to your traing.yes mam.he is a great kid.well just the kinda guy iam said solo.yhe right you old space piret.hey iam going to get one of the master and me and him wel go look around at your house.thank you Luke.hel Ker jey we got a misshion.iam glad i got a brother that is a jedi.Luke and Ker flew to leia and hons house on correlia.nobody or nothing was there and then they heard foot staps from up stairs and they wallked up there and they saw it.to becontiued. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kingdark Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 it got some good potential but PLEASE use . and ? , . reread your story and edit it acordongly i am eager to read more http://miniprofile.xfire.com/bg/os/type/0/kingdark.png Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Noob Posted February 13, 2006 Author Share Posted February 13, 2006 master Ker jey and master Skywalker saw the evil thing that had the force power.hello jedi.who are you said Luke iam your worst knightmare.i dont have knightmares iam not a 5 year old.you make me mad jedi said the strange thing i'll have to kill you and your friend.tht well be verry hard.perhaps.ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.as they started fighting they were angry verry angry they all were angry.tell us who you realy are as Luke waved his hand.jedi mind tricks dont work on me but iam a sith.arnt you a little ugly to be a sith.you realy make me mad.good i hope i do said Luke.it was a fearce battle but the sith escaped.damit said Luke.tehy chased after him in a space chase but he jumped trew hiperspace.they flew back on yavin 4 they told hons and liea about what happend.later on that knight Anakin heard a clunk out sise of his room he grabed his saber and wallked out it was the thing again.the thing said hello little one.who are you said Anakin.you dont need to know.Anakin drew his lightsaber and started to fight the thing even though his Anakins only 8 he put up a good fight.then Luke and all the other jedis ran out every body saw the thing.but it got away again.it is to quick said Luke.it is to stronge said liea.they heard a snoring noise.what the hell is that said Anakin.Anakin dont talk like that said liea.yes mom.hey look hons is doin it he is snoring.the nexy day they had every single jedi n the look out and the thing came.Luke fuaght it he said who are you again.i tolled you iam sith. so did you brieng back the sith.yes.well then the sith what be here for long.ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Luke had cut off both of his hands both of hi legs and then he cut off his head.well Luke i was glad i could help said hons.but you did nothing at all excepct eat all the jedi ice cream said Luke.hey i only had one bowl.hons.maby 2.hons.ok i ate it all gosh.hey Luke do u think he theres a master.i dont know but we find out we well find out said Luke. youl find out if there is a master or not in episode 8 is there a master comming soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Noob Posted February 13, 2006 Author Share Posted February 13, 2006 prologue.a year after episode 7 now there searching for a master of the sith that attacked liea and hons a year ago.but all the jedis get knocked out by the sith leader from toxic knock out gas 9 year old jedi Anakin solo well have to fight the sith leader. A LONG TIME AGO IN A GALEXY FAR FAR AWAY. Luke Skywalker and the other jedis have been searching for a master of the thing that Luke killed last this man Hon sollo as it showed a picture of Hons.asked Luke Skywalker do you think there is a master Luke replied we well find out that was feeks daily news have a good day and fly saftly.do u think theres a master hons said liea.i dont know liea.Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.whats that noice it sounds like chewie at the door.hons opend up the door.errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.your new girlfriend said hons well hello.whats goin on.this is chewies new girlfriend.hello said liea.errrr.said heash chewies girlfriend.back to Luke and the jedis they heard a big somthing on the roof like glunk glunk bunk lunk glunk.they ran out it was a big giant thing with seven lightsabers.holy shit its the master said Luke.but the thing ran away.the seccond time they saw it it knocked the jedis out with toxic knock out gas.every jedi but one Anakin Solo.started fighting this thing and he knocked the gas out of the things hand befor it could spray some on Anakin.Anakin was not hurt yet and then Anakin chopped off one of the things arms.and then he got another one and another one he got down to know arms.and then a arm grew out of his back and the thing used the force to grab one of his sabers befor Anakin could chop off the things head.and Anakin finaly got the arm from his back chopped off.and then he chopped off the things head.Anakin tolled the story to every one all the apprentice gatherd real close because they were inpressed that were 17 yeras old and we couldnt do what Anakin did.Anakin was brave in is doing and i think were all proud of him said Luke.thank you unckle Luke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghostly_Substance Posted February 13, 2006 Share Posted February 13, 2006 Nice to see you making fan stories but can you keep it in one thread please or I might have to ban you ;D 1 out of 3rd warning. -One Empire falls another riseshttp://myanimelist.net/signature/EuroSubstance.png http://miniprofile.xfire.com/bg/os/type/2/ghostlysubstance.png Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkmark Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 (edited) I hate to give such harsh criticism, but at present this is in very little state to comment actively about content and style when the punctuation and layout of each is so appalling. General standards of English are quite simple. After a sentence ends, full stops (Periods if you're American) require two spaces. As it is now it's hard to tell where one sentence begins and another ends even with the stops. Sentences always begin with a capital letter, as does "I" when a character is referring to themselves. When people speak it is always in speech marks. Trying to read this I found so much difficulty trying to identify the person who was speaking. I think an example might help. First is how it looked before. Second is with speech marks and new line per new speaker. I have also put in some additional grammar as I explained about before, capital letters etc. 1) "well Luke i was glad i could help said hons.but you did nothing at all except eat all the jedi ice cream said Luke.hey i only had one bowl" 2) "Well Luke, I was glad I could help" said Hons. "But you did nothing at all except eat all the Jedi ice cream" said Luke. "Hey i only had one bowl" There is a great deal of difference between the two, with the second one you can tell who says what, and it isn't such a mess of conversaton. While I'm talking about conversation, words like "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." I can't see the point in looking up in the Oxford English dictionary, because the exercise would be meaningless. It isn't a word. You don't need it really, instead write something like "He screamed". Or, if you must, cut it to two or three "h"s. I say this for a reason, because by putting so many where it isn't required it makes it even more hard to read. It disrupts layout very badly. Lastly, there is a spellcheck function to posts, and while I would be loathe to put all your faith blindly in it, it can help. Still, it's the punctuation and grammar here which let you down. You might want to just try rewriting one of your current pieces you have here with the format I've tried to explain here, and with any luck you'll see that it makes a massive difference. Trust me. It's all about practice. Don't give up. I'm not trying to be mean, I would just like to see you get better. Edited February 14, 2006 by Darkmark "And the moral of the story is: Appreciate what you've got, because basically; I'm fantastic." ~ Holly, Red Dwarfhttp://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y143/Lord_Darkmark/Forcedbanner01.jpghttp://www.starwarsforced.co.uk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Noob Posted February 14, 2006 Author Share Posted February 14, 2006 Obi Wan great leader of the clones is falling in love with a nother jedi her name is teris leek.she is falling in love with him to both of them are kissing secretly making out secretly they get married no one knows about it.they are married for 5 years then things got bad they had fights.teris broke up with Obi they were nolonger.then one day Obi was wallking to the temple and somone polled him aside and started making out with him he relised it was taris they got back together again but two months later she died on Endor on a misshion searching for a death stick dealer.Obi turrned in to a drinker for a while then he got back on his feet with a little help of his apprentice Anakin Skywallker. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Noob Posted February 14, 2006 Author Share Posted February 14, 2006 chapter 1.on the planet tatooien the jedis were in a battle against droids they were falling when a group of clones came.srry cant do more but i will post more later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Megajames Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 You know what I will say, so I shall not say Evacuate, in our moment of triumph. I think you overestimate their chances. Please can you post a comment on My clone story, in fan fiction. http://pff.swrebellion.com/index.php?topic=2306.0 (\_/)(O.O)(> <) This is Bunny. Copy Bunny into your signature to help him on his way to world Domination Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Noob Posted February 14, 2006 Author Share Posted February 14, 2006 iam restarting. chapter 1.in the sun the jedis were on Tatooien in a battle the jedis were falling.and then a group of clones came with Mace Windu and master Yoda.this helped out the jedis alot.Anakin.yes master come over here please i need your help.yes master Obi was fighting off at leats 20 super battle droids.Anakin got to him and helped.Mace and Yoda your fighting with a couple of clones.ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.master Obi well you be alright for now.yes i'll be fine.Anakin ran to Mace.master Windu iam going to take you to a sand bunker and protect you ok.ok young Skywalker.Anakin picked him up and took him to a bunker.he fought off the clones.to Yoda was flyig every where Yoda killed 9 clones in 45 secconds he was unstobable.master Obi.yes master Yoda.go help your apprentice protect master Windu he is strugling.yes master.Obi ran to Anakin and Windu dogging laser blasters.a clone commander said master Yoda.yes we are have olmost won the battle.don be so sure of that theres always supprises.Obi and Anakin were doing a good job until they saw Jango fett on a building.holy shit its Jango said Anakin.bang bang i got him Obi ran up the stairs to him.bullits from Jangos blasters flew over Obis head Jango turrned on his jet pack Obi swong and tipped Jangos jet pack.Jango flew in the air going crazy and Obi couldnt see him.Obi herd help master help Sharf Peef was hert.Obi ran to him two jedis were injured.Obi took him where Mace was.ther you go Mace have a little company.holy shit holy shit holy shit.what theres more droids comming.hold crap.Yoda charged the droids with Obi the droids fell.but more kep coming.then a giant beast that shot fire out his mouth came out.holy.it srayed fire at Obi and Yoda Obi and Yoda jumped up on it and sliced trew it neck it fell and they jumped off.the jedis were falling again though because droids were still coming.but then Bail Oragana sent 100 or 200 of his royal guards to help.that put the jedis back up.back and forth the jedis were wining and they were losing.to becontiued. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Megajames Posted February 14, 2006 Share Posted February 14, 2006 Please punctuate, I can't read it Evacuate, in our moment of triumph. I think you overestimate their chances. Please can you post a comment on My clone story, in fan fiction. http://pff.swrebellion.com/index.php?topic=2306.0 (\_/)(O.O)(> <) This is Bunny. Copy Bunny into your signature to help him on his way to world Domination Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Noob Posted February 14, 2006 Author Share Posted February 14, 2006 was it good though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Noob Posted February 14, 2006 Author Share Posted February 14, 2006 did you like though in anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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