My clone story

[Guest]

i think u fall too much into stereo types (the grumpy demo guy, the big heavy gunner and so on...)

try to come up with something new and refreshing.

 

dont get me wrong...im not flaming...thats just how i feel.

[Megajames]

Fair enoght

[Megajames]

Even though no one cares about this board I will post the newer update

Zero Hour-Clone Wars-Geonosis

 

 

There was a stomach-pulling lurch as the gunship dropped from its rack and began hurtling towards the ground. Alpha 01 was a clone trooper, created of the galactic Republic, but he was different, he was an Advanced Recon Commando. As far as everyone was concerned, he was the best of the best.

 

His squad were with him in the gunship readying themselves for battle, the first battle of the first real war in over 900 years, the Clone Wars. There was a hiss as the large doors of his gunship opened. None of his training could have prepared him for this. He was still hundreds of feet above the ground and he had an incredible view of the battle. Laser bolts flew over the harsh landscape like an unorganised tapestry, huge columns of rock collapsed as random missiles slammed into them. He had been trained not to feel fear, but it was unstoppable right now, as he watched as the two armies battled, as he saw hundreds of his brothers dieing on the front line “No, what was he doing?” he thought. He must not let his squad see him being fearful.

 

He continued to look at the army of clones below, this was there first ever battle. It must be hard down there knowing that their every action was being watched, and that over half the galaxy was going to be placing their lives in the clone’s hands. Then again they were But why was he worrying about them? He was a commando, their problems would be nothing compared to what he had to face. A red laser shot past him smacking into the other side of the gunship, he jumped back, shocked. Immediately he looked around, was anyone injured? His heart speed up, and he felt a growing feel of nausea in the pit of his stomach as he stared at the dismembered body of one of the gunners. So, this was war.

 

“So, this is Alpha squad” Muttered Alpha 01, or Viper as he preferred to be called. He looked at his five companions. He had known them from the moment he came out of his cloning vat, he trained with them, fought with them. Until now they were like brothers. He stared at the nearest commando. Hs name was Alpha 88 but every one called him Decimator, for a good reason. The next was 03, he was a superb pilot, and tech, and everyone unimaginably called him Tech. His eyes then fell upon Snipe, he did not like Snipe as much as the others, he had no humour, no life in him, just pure obedience of every order he received, and the ability to shot something the size of a man’s head a mile away. He then turned his attention to another commando, Demo rarely spoke to them and was one to just get onto the job at hand, which in his case was most often some sort of demolition. And last but not least, was Steel. He was an odd sort, very aggressive, and preferred close combat to messing around with blasters, and yet he would do anything to save a squad member.

 

“Alpha squad, you have reached your destination, requesting permission to turn off camouflage device and begin bombardment” said the pilot of the gunship in the same, cold voice that every clone had. The doors hissed open, they were in front of a huge droid core ship. It stood there ominously, the huge giant was at the back of the battle and had its shields down, and with them up they would never be able to get in. “Go ahead!” shouted Viper over the noise of the battle. The gunship began pounding a gap between some of the armour plating with missiles.

 

Suddenly an alarm began screaming at them.

“They have a missile lock on us.” shouted Steel

“Fire the grapple now” ordered Viper as soon as an armour plate blew off the core ship. There was a clang as the grapple slammed in the core ship. The Commandos zip wired down into the core ship.

“Are we all here?” checked Viper looking up at the gunship. It turned away and began heading back to the battle when out of the blue it was pelted with missiles. Viper swore under his breath watching the wreckage on the gunship slam into the ground.

 

Decimator began moving down the corridor when suddenly he heard the dull beat of marching. “Get down” he called over the comlink. They all hid behind cover, waiting, watching, and fearing. A small group of security droids appeared at the end of the corridor.

“Stand up and put down your weapons” ordered one of the droids in its synthesized voice.

 

Snipe stood, up took out his pistol, and lowered it to the ground. As he did that, in the shadows Decimator armed his repeater rifle, and pulled the trigger. The droids were annihilated instantly.

”What happened to the stealth approach?” asked Steel, obviously annoyed.

“I think it went up in flames,” joked Decimator as he kicked one of the flaming droid carcases to the side. In the distance, an alarm went off. Decimator cursed under his breath. The rest of the squad went tense. Then the doors at the end off the room opened and battle droids came pouring out.

 

The commando’s dived behind cover like they had done in thousands of training simulations, except this time mistakes got you killed. But Alpha squad never made mistakes. Viper looked at the droids and remembered what Jango, his mentor, had said. Put your fear behind you were it belongs. Then blast every thing in front of you into splinters. You’ll do fine. He rolled under the barrage of laser fire and threw a grenade. There was an ear-deafening boom as the grenade went off, blasting the droids to oblivion and he finished the rest off with a quick burst from his DC-18 blaster rifle. However Demo was interested in something different.

“Run back, the ceiling is going to collapse,” he shouted

“How can you tell?” asked Tech stepping back cautiously

“I am a demolition expert, of course I can tell,” answered Demo running back down the corridor. T he others took his word for it and ran back with him. After a minute Snipe said in an irritated voice,

“Why did you worry all of us over nothing? Its as strong as ever” he raised his pistol at the ceiling and shot ”See absolutely fine” he said, then the ceiling collapsed.

 

“Great look what you have done now,” said Tech making now effort to hide his anger “Now we will have half the droids in the ship chasing after us”

“Well if,” began Snipe

“Two words, Shut, Up” ordered Viper, “Now, we need to split up. Me, Steel, and Demo are going the find the main reactor. Tech, Snipe, and Decimator, get Tech to a computer terminal, where he can track us and try to help in any way possible. Understood?” he waited for no replied and beckoned Steel and Demo to follow him.

“So, I have to baby-sit Tech while he plays computer games” sneered Snipe. Viper took out his pistol and in one easy movement set it to its lowest setting and shot Snipe in the leg. There was a crunch as Snipe slammed into the hard, metal wall behind them.

 

Viper crept slowly along the walkway. Below him were thousand of battle droids marching in formation and being loaded in to transporters. He then turned his attention the end off the hanger. There were two huge thick metal, doors stopping them from continuing into the heart of the core ship.

“ I will open the doors, as soon as they open go straight though” said Steel through the comlink in his helmet.

“How are you going to be able to open them?” questioned Demo, scanning the huge doors for weaknesses. Steel look at a control panel on the other side of the hanger and smiled.

 

Five minutes later Steel was clinging the ceiling of the hanger, held on only by the magnetic grip pads that covered his jet-black armour. Carefully he began to move forward, hoping that none of the droid below saw him. Then the pipe he was gripping, started to heat up he lost his grip and fell. Then he felt a lurch, he turned his head round with difficulty, and saw to his relief that one of the pad on his boots had held fast. After a few minutes he had pulled himself back into the matrix of pipes, however he was becoming aware of the time this was taking. It would not be long before the core ship took off a retreated from battle. He looked down once more, he was dead above the control panel. He jumped down silently and moved up behind the closest droid. He tapped a button on armour and a short vibro blade came out. He silently stabbed the droid in front of him. After he had rendered all the droids useless, he began working out how to open the doors. Soon he had found what he needed.

“Viper,” he called over the comlink.

“Yes”

“I am ready”

“Open them up” ordered Viper. The huge doors screeched and began to open. At the same time hundreds of battle droids turned towards Steel, all with their weapons raised. Steel jumped up engaging his jetpack and shot off towards the hanger doors.

 

The super battle droids were the quickest, they responded by firing a hail of laser fire at him, but they had not been programmed to fire at airborne targets and hardly grazed him. He landed behind a brown MTT. On his left Viper and Demo were running towards him.

“Lets go,” said Viper as he blasted a near by droid. “Get up, what are you doing down there?”

Demo rolled out from under the MTT and followed them out of the hanger avoiding the laser fire from the droids. They all jumped behind the hanger doors as one of the supper battle droids started firing missiles at them.

“What do we do now?” asked Steel

“This” said Demo tapping a command into the keypad on his arm.

BOOM!

The MTT exploded sending out a shock wave that threw Viper and Steel back into some crates.

“What in the palace of a Hutt was that?”

“MTT’s have such unstable reactors,” said Demo as he looked at the destruction he had caused.

“Viper, this is Tech I am in position” Called Tech over the comlink. “What has happened down there, there are warning signals all over your position” Continued Tech.

“Demo blow up an MTT, and every thing else in the hanger” Replied Viper with a certain amount of admiration in his voice.

“Oh, and the clone commander wants to speak to you”

“Alpha 01, this is CM-15-87 speaking, I need to tell...

“What happened?” Asked Viper.

“We’re being jammed” Answered Tech, obviously irritated that he could not do anything about it.

[Dorkthehunter]

First off....this is very well done.

I have some advice on some specific parts though:

So, this was war.

 

“So, this is Alpha squad”

 

Change this to something else like: "So, this was war.    The infamous Alpha squad has arrived. A pleasure."

 

And last but not least, was Steel. He was an odd sort, very aggressive, and preferred close combat to messing around with blasters, and yet he would do anything to save a squad member.

 

Right here you might want to mention something about that he doesn't don(wear) the normal white armor of the clones. He has a jet black suit of armor for stealth purposes and as a namesake.

 

It turned away and began heading back to the battle when out of the blue it was pelted with missiles.

 

How can it be pelted out of the blue when it is in the middle of Geonosis? How about changing it to: "It truned away and began heading back to the main battle, where lasers and missiles were everywhere. He watched it get clear of the main fire, but then was hit by missiles from a Hailfire droid that was on the outskirts of the Seperatist army."

 

Viper looked at the droids and remembered what Jango, his mentor, had said. Put your fear behind you were it belongs. Then blast every thing in front of you into splinters. You’ll do fine.

 

Just put Jango's words in quotations: .....Jango, his mentor, had said: "Put your fear behind you where it belongs. Then blast everything in front of you into splinters. You'll do fine."

 

Viper took out his pistol and in one easy movement set it to its lowest setting and shot Snipe in the leg. There was a crunch as Snipe slammed into the hard, metal wall behind them.

 

Add something to the fact of Snipe's reaction to being shot.

 

Overall, very good. There are also some repetition of words, like he shot he shot, right next to each other, but it is very well done. Good job.

 

Also, I care about this board. I will post on peoples' stories. I am trying to do lengthy evaluations with specific examples of what I found needed correction and trying to help them. Note that I am not trying to insult anyone, I am just trying to help. It may look like I put a lot to fix, but it was just really a couple of minor changes.

Edited February 28, 2006 by Dorkthehunter

[Megajames]

Thanks I will add those and post an update at 8:00 GTM (2 hours from this post) thanks for the comments

[Megajames]

Zero Hour-Clone Wars-Geonosis

 

 

There was a stomach-pulling lurch as the gunship dropped from its rack and began hurtling towards the ground. Alpha 01 was a clone trooper, created of the galactic Republic, but he was different, he was an Advanced Recon Commando. As far as everyone was concerned, he was the best of the best.

 

His squad were with him in the gunship readying themselves for battle, the first battle of the first real war in over 900 years, the Clone Wars. There was a hiss as the large doors of his gunship opened. None of his training could have prepared him for this. He was still hundreds of feet above the ground and he had an incredible view of the battle. Laser bolts flew over the harsh landscape like an unorganised tapestry, huge columns of rock collapsed as random missiles slammed into them. He had been trained not to feel fear, but it was unstoppable right now, as he watched as the two armies battled, as he saw hundreds of his brothers dieing on the front line “No, what was he doing?” he thought. He must not let his squad see him being fearful.

 

He continued to look at the army of clones below, this was there first ever battle. It must be hard down there knowing that their every action was being watched, and that over half the galaxy was going to be placing their lives in the clone’s hands. Then again they were But why was he worrying about them? He was a commando, their problems would be nothing compared to what he had to face. A red laser shot past him smacking into the other side of the gunship, he jumped back, shocked. Immediately he looked around, was anyone injured? His heart speed up, and he felt a growing feel of nausea in the pit of his stomach as he stared at the dismembered body of one of the gunners. So, this was war.

 

Alpha 01, or Viper as he preferred to be called, looked at his five companions. He had known them from the moment he came out of his cloning vat, he trained with them, fought with them. Until now they were like brothers. He stared at the nearest commando. Hs name was Alpha 88 but every one called him Decimator, for a good reason. The next was 03, he was a superb pilot, and tech, and everyone unimaginably called him Tech. His eyes then fell upon Snipe, he did not like Snipe as much as the others, he had no humour, no life in him, just pure obedience of every order he received, and the ability to shot something the size of a man’s head a mile away. He then turned his attention to another commando, Demo rarely spoke to them and was one to just get onto the job at hand, which in his case was most often some sort of demolition. And last but not least, was Steel. He was an odd sort, very aggressive, and preferred close combat to messing around with blasters. Yet he would do anything to save a squad member. He also worn jet-black armour, which he said was for stealth. Viper thought it was just Steel’s way of showing he was different

 

“Alpha squad, you have reached your destination, requesting permission to turn off camouflage device and begin bombardment” said the pilot of the gunship in the same, cold voice that every clone had. The doors hissed open, they were in front of a huge droid core ship. It stood there ominously, the huge giant was at the back of the battle and had its shields down, and with them up they would never be able to get in. “Go ahead!” shouted Viper over the noise of the battle. The gunship began pounding a gap between some of the armour plating with missiles.

 

Suddenly an alarm began screaming at them.

“They have a missile lock on us.” shouted Steel

“Fire the grapple now” ordered Viper as soon as an armour plate blew off the core ship. There was a clang as the grapple slammed in the core ship. The Commandos zip wired down into the core ship.

“Are we all here?” checked Viper looking up at the gunship. It turned away and began heading back to the main battle, it tried to swerve in and out of the blasts, but a volley of missiles tore the thing apart. Viper swore under his breath watching the wreckage on the gunship slam into the ground. He remembered one of his teachings. ”From water we are born, from fire we die, we seed the stars”

 

 

Decimator began moving down the corridor when suddenly he heard the dull beat of marching. “Get down” he called over the comlink. They all hid behind cover, waiting, watching, and fearing. A small group of security droids appeared at the end of the corridor.

“Stand up and put down your weapons” ordered one of the droids in its synthesized voice.

 

Snipe stood, up took out his pistol, and lowered it to the ground. As he did that, in the shadows Decimator armed his repeater rifle, and pulled the trigger. The droids were annihilated instantly.

”What happened to the stealth approach?” asked Steel, obviously annoyed.

“I think it went up in flames,” joked Decimator as he kicked one of the flaming droid carcases to the side. In the distance, an alarm went off. Decimator cursed under his breath. The rest of the squad went tense. Then the doors at the end off the room opened and battle droids came pouring out.

 

The commando’s dived behind cover like they had done in thousands of training simulations, except this time mistakes got you killed. But Alpha squad never made mistakes. Viper looked at the droids and remembered what Jango, his mentor, had said. “Put your fear behind you where it belongs. Then blast every thing in front of you into splinters. You’ll do fine.” He rolled under the barrage of laser fire and threw a grenade. There was an ear-deafening boom as the grenade went off, blasting the droids to oblivion and he finished the rest off with a quick burst from his DC-18 blaster rifle. However Demo was interested in something different.

“Run back, the ceiling is going to collapse,” he shouted

“How can you tell?” asked Tech stepping back cautiously

“I am a demolition expert, of course I can tell,” answered Demo running back down the corridor. T he others took his word for it and ran back with him. After a minute Snipe said in an irritated voice,

“Why did you worry all of us over nothing? Its as strong as ever” he raised his pistol at the ceiling and shot ”See absolutely fine” he said, then the ceiling collapsed.

 

“Great look what you have done now,” said Tech making now effort to hide his anger “Now we will have half the droids in the ship chasing after us”

“Well if,” began Snipe

“Two words, Shut, Up” ordered Viper, “Now, we need to split up. Me, Steel, and Demo are going the find the main reactor. Tech, Snipe, and Decimator, get Tech to a computer terminal, where he can track us and try to help in any way possible. Understood?” he waited for no replied and beckoned Steel and Demo to follow him.

“So, I have to baby-sit Tech while he plays computer games” sneered Snipe. Viper took out his pistol and in one easy movement set it to its lowest setting and shot Snipe in the leg. There was a crunch as Snipe slammed into the hard, metal wall behind them.

 

Viper crept slowly along the walkway. Below him were thousand of battle droids marching in formation and being loaded in to transporters. He then turned his attention the end off the hanger. There were two huge thick metal, doors stopping them from continuing into the heart of the core ship.

“ I will open the doors, as soon as they open go straight though” said Steel through the comlink in his helmet.

“How are you going to be able to open them?” questioned Demo, scanning the huge doors for weaknesses. Steel look at a control panel on the other side of the hanger and smiled.

 

Five minutes later Steel was clinging the ceiling of the hanger, held on only by the magnetic grip pads that covered his jet-black armour. Carefully he began to move forward, hoping that none of the droid below saw him. Then the pipe he was gripping, started to heat up he lost his grip and fell. Then he felt a lurch, he turned his head round with difficulty, and saw to his relief that one of the pad on his boots had held fast. After a few minutes he had pulled himself back into the matrix of pipes, however he was becoming aware of the time this was taking. It would not be long before the core ship took off a retreated from battle. He looked down once more, he was dead above the control panel. He jumped down silently and moved up behind the closest droid. He tapped a button on armour and a short vibro blade came out. He silently stabbed the droid in front of him. After he had rendered all the droids useless, he began working out how to open the doors. Soon he had found what he needed.

“Viper,” he called over the comlink.

“Yes”

“I am ready”

“Open them up” ordered Viper. The huge doors screeched and began to open. At the same time hundreds of battle droids turned towards Steel, all with their weapons raised. Steel jumped up engaging his jetpack and shot off towards the hanger doors.

 

The super battle droids were the quickest, they responded by firing a hail of laser fire at him, but they had not been programmed to fire at airborne targets and hardly grazed him. He landed behind a brown MTT. On his left Viper and Demo were running towards him.

“Lets go,” said Viper as he blasted a near by droid. “Get up, what are you doing down there?”

Demo rolled out from under the MTT and followed them out of the hanger avoiding the laser fire from the droids. They all jumped behind the hanger doors as one of the supper battle droids started firing missiles at them.

“What do we do now?” asked Steel

“This” said Demo tapping a command into the keypad on his arm.

BOOM!

The MTT exploded sending out a shock wave that threw Viper and Steel back into some crates.

“What in the palace of a Hutt was that?”

“MTT’s have such unstable reactors,” said Demo as he looked at the destruction he had caused.

“Viper, this is Tech I am in position” Called Tech over the comlink. “What has happened down there, there are warning signals all over your position” Continued Tech.

“Demo blow up an MTT, and every thing else in the hanger” Replied Viper with a certain amount of admiration in his voice.

“Oh, and the clone commander needs to speak to you”

“Alpha 01, this is RC-15-87 speaking, I need to tell...

“What happened?” Asked Viper.

“We’re being jammed” Answered Tech, obviously irritated that he could not do anything about it.

“Continue with the mission, when the reactor is down we will be able to hear them. Over and out”

Pilot did not get a chance to say out before he heard gunfire down the corridor.

 

Snipe whipped out his two DC-17s pistols and blasted the heads of two of the battle droids that were flooding the doorway. Decimator jumped behind a control panel and threw a grenade into the doorway. The result was perfect, all the near by droids were destroyed, but more importantly he had collapsed the doorway. “I bet demo would have liked that” he said mainly to himself knowing that Snipe would not comment. Pilot stepped up from the computer and said

“Um, there is something you need to know” but he was cut short as a huge robotic leg smashed though the doorway. There was a rip as a large turret forced its way though a piece of metal plating, the turret adjusted its self and pointed right at the commandoes

[Megajames]

Even few people seem to be interested in this, can I link this to a topic in the mod forum where I can put all the pictures for this (I have some really cool ones) as my acount has a proberlem where I cannot post pictures except on the mod forum.

 

Please can the answer be from Cain, Steller or another Admin.

 

Please post feedback!!!

[rebel5555]

Great story! I only have one problem with it because, You keep changing the name of pilot to tech.

I look forward to your next addition! ;D

[Megajames]

It should be tech, I changed it, telll me if there are places where it is not. Next update V. soon

[Megajames]

Zero Hour-Clone Wars-Geonosis

 

 

There was a stomach-pulling lurch as the gunship dropped from its rack and began hurtling towards the ground. Alpha 01 was a clone trooper, created of the galactic Republic, but he was different, he was an Advanced Recon Commando. As far as everyone was concerned, he was the best of the best.

 

His squad were with him in the gunship readying themselves for battle, the first battle of the first real war in over 900 years, the Clone Wars. There was a hiss as the large doors of his gunship opened. None of his training could have prepared him for this. He was still hundreds of feet above the ground and he had an incredible view of the battle. Laser bolts flew over the harsh landscape like an unorganised tapestry, huge columns of rock collapsed as random missiles slammed into them. He had been trained not to feel fear, but it was unstoppable right now, as he watched as the two armies battled, as he saw hundreds of his brothers dieing on the front line “No, what was he doing?” he thought. He must not let his squad see him being fearful.

 

He continued to look at the army of white armoured clones below, this was there first ever battle. It must be hard down there knowing that their every action was being watched, and that over half the galaxy was going to be placing their lives in the clone’s hands. Then again they were But why was he worrying about them? He was a commando, their problems would be nothing compared to what he had to face. A red laser shot past him smacking into the other side of the gunship, he jumped back, shocked. Immediately he looked around, was anyone injured? His heart speed up, and he felt a growing feel of nausea in the pit of his stomach as he stared at the dismembered body of one of the gunners. So, this was war.

 

The planet he was flying over was Geonosis, it had just been discovered to be a massive weapon manufacturing plant for the Separatist forces. It was a perfect place to manufacture weapons, huge factories could be hidden inside the network of tunnels and chambers that had been cut into the red rocks. Also his briefing told him that many of the towering spires that rose up into the cloudy red sky were full of geonosisians, the native specie to Geonosis.

 

The Clone wars had been started with a lot of surprises. According to his briefing, Jedi general Obi wan Kenobi had been on the trail of Jango Fett. Fett was a bounty hunter, he was also the genetic stock of the Clone army, Alpha squad’s mentor, and Steel’s role model. Obi wan also discovered the clone army on Kamino. After reporting this to the Jedi council. Eventually Obi wan eventually tracked Jango to Geonosis. Where Count Duoku, who was the leader of the separatist movement against the republic, sentenced him and his apprentice to death. A rescue attempt was set up by the Jedi but failed.

 

 

Alpha 01, or Viper as he preferred to be called, slipped on his white helmet, a flood of data appeared on his HUD (Heads Up Display). He looked at his five companions. He had known them from the moment he came out of his cloning vat, he trained with them, fought with them, and would probably die with them. Now they were like brothers. He stared at the nearest commando. Hs name was Alpha 88 but every one called him Decimator, for a good reason. The next was 03, he was a superb pilot, and tech, and everyone unimaginably called him Tech. His eyes then fell upon Snipe, he did not like Snipe as much as the others. However, he did have pure obedience of every order he received, and the ability to shot something the size of a man’s head a mile away. He then turned his attention to another commando, Demo rarely spoke to them and was one to just get onto the job at hand, which in his case was most often some sort of demolition. And last but not least, was Steel. He was an odd sort, very aggressive, and preferred close combat to messing around with blasters. Yet he would do anything to save a squad member. He wore jet-black armour, which he said was for stealth. Viper thought it was just Steel’s way of showing he was different, and he was he was a “Null” trooper.

 

“Alpha squad, you have reached your destination, requesting permission to turn off camouflage device and begin missile bombardment” said the pilot of the gunship in the same, cold voice that every clone had. The doors hissed open, they were in front of a huge droid core ship. It stood there ominously, the huge giant was at the back of the battle and had its shields down, with them up they would never be able to get in. “Go ahead!” shouted Viper over the noise of the battle. The gunship began pounding a gap between some of the armour plating with missiles.

 

Suddenly an alarm began screaming at them.

“They have a missile lock on us.” shouted Steel

“Fire the grapple now” ordered Viper as soon as an armour plate blew off the core ship. There was a clang as the grapple slammed in the core ship. The Commandos zip wired down into the core ship.

 

“Are we all here?” checked Viper looking up at the gunship. It turned away and began heading back to the main battle, it tried to swerve in and out of the blasts, but a volley of missiles tore the thing apart. Viper swore under his breath watching the wreckage on the gunship slam into the ground. He remembered one of his teachings. ”From water we are born, from fire we die, we seed the stars”

 

Decimator began moving down the corridor when suddenly he heard the dull beat of marching. “Get down” he called over the comlink. They all hid behind cover, waiting, watching, and fearing. A small group of security droids appeared at the end of the corridor.

“Stand up and put down your weapons” ordered one of the droids in its synthesized voice.

 

Snipe stood, up took out his pistol, and lowered it to the ground. As he did that, in the shadows Decimator armed his repeater rifle, and pulled the trigger. The droids were annihilated instantly.

”What happened to the stealth approach?” asked Steel, obviously annoyed.

“I think it went up in flames,” joked Decimator as he kicked one of the burning droid carcases to the side. In the distance, an alarm went off. Decimator cursed under his breath. The rest of the squad went tense. Then the doors at the end off the room opened and a squad battle droids came pouring out.

 

The commando’s dived behind cover like they had done in thousands of training simulations, except this time mistakes got you killed. But Alpha squad never made mistakes. Viper looked at the droids and assessed his position. Then he remembered what Jango, his mentor, had said. “Put your fear behind you where it belongs. Then blast every thing in front of you into splinters. You’ll do fine.” He rolled under the barrage of laser fire and threw a grenade. There was an ear-deafening boom as the grenade went off, blasting the droids to oblivion and he finished the rest off with a quick burst from his DC-18 blaster rifle. However Demo was interested in something different.

“Run back, the ceiling is going to collapse,” he shouted

“How can you tell?” asked Tech stepping back cautiously

“I am a demolition expert, of course I can tell,” answered Demo running back down the corridor. The others took his word for it and ran back with him. After a minute Snipe said in an irritated voice,

“Why did you worry all of us over nothing? Its as strong as ever” he raised his pistol at the ceiling and shot ”See absolutely fine” he said, then the ceiling collapsed.

 

“Great look what you have done now,” said Tech making now effort to hide his anger “Now we will have half the droids in the ship chasing after us”

“Well if,” began Snipe

“Two words, Shut, Up” ordered Viper, “Now, we need to split up. Me, Steel, and Demo are going the find the main reactor. Tech, Snipe, and Decimator, get Tech to a computer terminal, where he can track us and try to help in any way possible. Understood?” he waited for no replied and beckoned Steel and Demo to follow him.

“So, I have to baby-sit Tech while he plays computer games” sneered Snipe. Viper took out his pistol and in one easy movement set it to its lowest setting and shot Snipe in the leg. There was a crunch as Snipe slammed into the hard, metal wall behind them.

 

Viper crept slowly along the walkway. Below him were thousand of battle droids marching in formation and being loaded in to transporters. He then turned his attention the end off the hanger. There were two huge thick metal, doors stopping them from continuing into the heart of the core ship.

“ I will open the doors, as soon as they open go straight though” said Steel through the comlink in his helmet.

“How are you going to be able to open them?” questioned Demo, scanning the huge doors for weaknesses. Steel look at a control panel on the other side of the hanger and smiled.

 

Five minutes later Steel was clinging the ceiling of the hanger, held on only by the magnetic grip pads that covered his jet-black armour. Carefully he began to move forward, hoping that none of the droid below saw him. Then the pipe he was gripping, started to heat up he lost his grip and fell. Then he felt a lurch, he turned his head round with difficulty, and saw to his relief that one of the pad on his boots had held fast. After a few minutes he had pulled himself back into the matrix of pipes, however he was becoming aware of the time this was taking. It would not be long before the core ship took off a retreated from battle. He looked down once more, he was dead above the control panel. He jumped down silently and moved up behind the closest droid. He tapped a button on armour and a short vibro blade came out. He silently stabbed the droid in front of him. After he had rendered all the droids useless, he began working out how to open the doors. Soon he had found what he needed.

“Viper,” he called over the comlink.

“Yes”

“I am ready”

“Open them up” ordered Viper. The huge doors screeched and began to open. At the same time hundreds of battle droids turned towards Steel, all with their weapons raised. Steel jumped up engaging his jetpack and shot off towards the hanger doors.

 

The super battle droids were the quickest, they responded by firing a hail of laser fire at him, but they had not been programmed to fire at airborne targets and hardly grazed him. He landed behind a brown MTT. On his left Viper and Demo were running towards him.

“Lets go,” said Viper as he blasted a near by droid. “Get up, what are you doing down there?”

Demo rolled out from under the MTT and followed them out of the hanger avoiding the laser fire from the droids. They all jumped behind the hanger doors as one of the supper battle droids started firing missiles at them.

“What do we do now?” asked Steel

“This” said Demo tapping a command into the keypad on his arm.

BOOM!

The MTT exploded sending out a shock wave that threw Viper and Steel back into some crates.

“What in the palace of a Hutt was that?”

“MTT’s have such unstable reactors,” said Demo as he looked at the destruction he had caused.

“Viper, this is Tech I am in position” Called Tech over the comlink. “What has happened down there, there are warning signals all over your position” Continued Tech.

“Demo blow up an MTT, and every thing else in the hanger” Replied Viper with a certain amount of admiration in his voice.

“Oh, and the clone commander needs to speak to you”

“Alpha 01, this is RC-15-87 speaking, I need to tell...

“What happened?” Asked Viper.

“We’re being jammed” Answered Tech, obviously irritated that he could not do anything about it.

“Continue with the mission, when the reactor is down we will be able to hear them. Over and out”

Pilot did not get a chance to say out before he heard gunfire down the corridor.

 

Snipe whipped out his two DC-17s pistols and blasted the heads of two of the battle droids that were flooding the doorway. Decimator jumped behind a control panel and threw a grenade into the doorway. The result was perfect, all the near by droids were destroyed, but more importantly he had collapsed the doorway. “I bet demo would have liked that” he said mainly to himself knowing that Snipe would not comment. Pilot stepped up from the computer and said

“Um, there is something you need to know” but he was cut short as a huge robotic leg smashed though the doorway. There was a rip as a large turret forced its way though a piece of metal plating, the turret adjusted its self and pointed right at the commandoes.

 

Meanwhile Viper, Steel, and Demo were crawling through the complex network of maintenance tunnels. Viper looked at the microcomputer on his arm. “Oh,” he said “we have a little bit of a situation coming our way”

“What do you mean by that” questioned Steel

“Something is heading straight at us travelling at three hundred miles per hour” Explained Viper.

 

 

At the same time the other group of ARC troopers were starring right up the barrel of a dwarf spider droid. In the split second it took for the spider droid to fire, Decimator stuffed a grenade up the barrel.

BOOM! 

The explosion knocked the commandoes off their feet, but saved their life. Decimator looked at the wreckage of the droid, it wasn’t there.

 

 

Viper blasted open the hatchway in the floor and jumped through Steel followed. Some thing shot over their heads and continued down the tunnel.

“Where is Demo?” Said Viper. Without Demo they would not be able to plant the explosives. He thought to himself, then again without Demo they would not be Alpha squad.

 

Decimator blinked and reset his visor, the droid had not been scared. He should have not been surprised, the few training simulations he had done against Advanced Dwarf Spider Droids had shown them to be nearly indestructible to normal infantry. But he was not normal, there was and explosion as the droid tried to fire a laser bolt at Tech the shot missed by a few meters and ignited a fuel tank. Decimator leapt down as the blast of heat shot over his head threatening to melt his helmet. He picked up his Westar-M5 heavy repeating blaster, and pulled the trigger. At the same time Snipe clipped a sniper attachment and started taking pot shots at the unshielded red optical sensor below the spider droid’s turret. Pilot armed and threw an EMP grenade at the droid. They all decided it was doomed.

 

 

 

Meanwhile Demo was looking at the maintenance droid coming towards him at three hundred miles per hour. He was looking at it through the viewfinder of his gun. He squeezed the trigger and an Anti-Armour shell slammed into the droid, it exploded and vaporised the robot. He jumped down the hole left by the explosion and landed next to Viper. Viper looked at him.

“Do you ever do anything the easy way?” Asked Viper

“And risk disappointing you” replied Demo.

“Come on” Said Steel

[Dorkthehunter]

I'll just talk about the newest stuff.

 

Meanwhile Viper, Steel, and Demo were crawling through the complex network of maintenance tunnels. Viper looked at the microcomputer on his arm. “Oh,” he said “we have a little bit of a situation coming our way”

“What do you mean by that” questioned Steel

“Something is heading straight at us travelling at three hundred miles per hour” Explained Viper.

 

Add something to the end of that like: per hour" explained Viper nonchalantly(or something like that)

 

At the same time the other group of ARC troopers were starring right up the barrel of a dwarf spider droid. In the split second it took for the spider droid to fire, Decimator stuffed a grenade up the barrel.

BOOM! 

The explosion knocked the commandoes off their feet, but saved their life. Decimator looked at the wreckage of the droid, it wasn’t there.

 

Add more to this section. Add the troopers' reactions to being right next to a dwarf spider droid. Describe a dwarf spider droid, its weaponry, height, what it is famous for, etc.

 

Also, the wreckage of the droid wasn't there doesn't make sense. Reword it like: "Decimator looked around for the wreckage of the droid, but it could not be found"

 

Viper blasted open the hatchway in the floor and jumped through Steel followed. Some thing shot over their heads and continued down the tunnel.

“Where is Demo?” Said Viper. Without Demo they would not be able to plant the explosives. He thought to himself, then again without Demo they would not be Alpha squad.

 

Get rid of the "he thought to himself". Change the "some thing" to a laser.

 

Decimator blinked and reset his visor, the droid had not been scared. He should have not been surprised, the few training simulations he had done against Advanced Dwarf Spider Droids had shown them to be nearly indestructible to normal infantry. But he was not normal, there was and explosion as the droid tried to fire a laser bolt at Tech the shot missed by a few meters and ignited a fuel tank. Decimator leapt down as the blast of heat shot over his head threatening to melt his helmet. He picked up his Westar-M5 heavy repeating blaster, and pulled the trigger. At the same time Snipe clipped a sniper attachment and started taking pot shots at the unshielded red optical sensor below the spider droid’s turret. Pilot armed and threw an EMP grenade at the droid. They all decided it was doomed.

 

Here are a couple of things to change:

"The droid had not been destroyed" makes more sense.

"nearly indestructible against normal infantry"

"But neither he nor his squadmates were normal infantry"

 

Meanwhile Demo was looking at the maintenance droid coming towards him at three hundred miles per hour. He was looking at it through the viewfinder of his gun. He squeezed the trigger and an Anti-Armour shell slammed into the droid, it exploded and vaporised the robot. He jumped down the hole left by the explosion and landed next to Viper. Viper looked at him.

“Do you ever do anything the easy way?” Asked Viper

“And risk disappointing you” replied Demo.

“Come on” Said Steel

 

This is the part where you as the author have to make a decision. Do you want your readers to know that Demo is alive? Or do you want it to be a surprise?

 

Personally, I would have it be a surprise. Something like this:

 

Viper looked at his radar and saw that something was still coming at him at over three hundred miles per hour. All of a sudden, he saw a maintenance droid come launching at him, and drew his gun in a futile attempt to destroy it. Suddenly, the droid blew up in a firey explosion. 'Well....that was nice.' thought Viper.

"I still got your back" said Demo as he lept down from a hole he had made in the ceiling.

“Do you ever do anything the easy way?” Asked Viper

“And risk disappointing you” replied Demo.

“Come on” said Steel.

 

If you want to add the "still got your back thing", the last line that Demo should say to Viper before he "disappears" should be "I got your back, Viper"

Edited March 14, 2006 by Dorkthehunter

[Megajames]

KK, thanks for the help, I will read thought those parts and change them soon.

 

Dork this is v useful as you are the only person a know (disincluding all the othere people on the forum, but they rarely coment) who understands SW and can give any useful feedback

[Dorkthehunter]

Thanks. Darkmark also can do this, but he hasn't been doing it for a while....

[Megajames]

It's a shame that this thread has few vistors, my story is no masterpiece but with feed back it will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine