My clone story

[Megajames]

Hi, I have posted about this on dorks thread but i have created this topic so i can post more stuff on it.

 

It is about a group of Clone Commandos who were trained as ACR troopers for a while. They start on Geonosis but get into some trouble. The story includes the battles or Geonosis, Mygeeto, Kamino, and Felucia.

 

Please leave comments and ideas

Edited February 8, 2006 by Megajames

[Megajames]

I have finshed the basic Characters for my clone story:

Characters

 

Alpha squad:

 

Name: Alpha 01:

Nickname: Viper

Speciality: Leader, stealth

Character:  Slow and careful, very tactical

Preferred weapon: DC-17

Armour description: Camouflage blending, tries to imitate surroundings. Has fresh white armour with a yellow stripe when his camouflage blending is turned off. He has a small computer on his wrist with a holo projector. He also has some advanced communication gear on his back pack

 

Name: Alpha 03:

Nickname: Pilot

Speciality: Pilot, hacker

Character: Not patient, but quite jolly

Preferred weapon: DEMP 2, EMP grenades, and any gadget he has designed

Armour description: Has plain armour with green shoulder pads, his armour is rarely washed and often covered in oil stains. His armour is covered with gadgets and gizmos for every occasion

 

Name: Alpha 90:

Nickname: Snipe

Speciality: Sniper, very accurate, stealth

Character: Easily wound up, annoyed when he makes mistakes

Preferred weapon: DC-17 sniper attachment, Tenloss disrupter rifle, and customised blaster pistol

Armour description: Camouflage blending, tries to imitate surroundings. When it is off, his armour returns to white with a light blue stripe on the helmet. He has an advanced range finder clipped onto his helmet, and extra padding on his chest plate, for when he is lying down for a long time

 

Name: Alpha 64:

Nickname: Demo

Squad part: Anti-armour, demolitions

Character: Likes to keep his distance from people and get on with the job at hand

Preferred weapon: DC-17 anti –armour attachment, or Merr sonn missile launcher

Armour description: Plate grey, very strong, designed to resist the shock wave of explosives going off near by

 

Name: Alpha 88:

Nickname: Decimator

Speciality: All round killing machine

Character: Friendly, likes to make a joke, quick and efficient at getting things done

Preferred weapon: DC-17 heavy repeater attachment

Armour description: Never washed, very thick and heavy. He has numerous spare blaster packs and grenades on his legs and arms

 

Name: Alpha 08:

Nickname: Steel

Speciality: Close combat, medic, stealth

Character: Aggressive, but protective of his squad

Preferred weapon: Vibro blade inbuilt into wrist

Armour description: Jet black all over, has a long extra vibro blade on his left thigh and medic packs on both arms, has a short ranged jet pack which was inspired by Jango fett

 

I have updated these they now include armour discription and some othere things

I will be adding more to them soon

[Megajames]

And here is a clipet from the curent start of the story:

 

Zero Hour-Clone Wars-Geonosis

 

There was a stomach-pulling lurch as the gunship dropped from its rack and began hurtling towards the ground. Alpha 01 was a commando, a clone commando, his squad were with him in the gunship readying themselves for battle. The first battle of the first real war in over 900 years. The Clone Wars. There was a hiss as the large doors of his gunship opened. None off his training could have prepared his for this. He was still hundreds of feet above the ground and had an incredible view of the battle. Laser bolts flew over the harsh landscape like an unorganised tapestry, huge columns of rock collapsed as random missiles slammed into them. He looked at the army of clones below, this was there first ever battle, it must be hard down there knowing that their every action was being watched, and that over half the galaxy was going to be placing their lives in the clones hands. But why was he worrying about them, he was a commando, their problems would be nothing compared to what he had to face. A red laser shot past him smacking into the other side of the gunship, he jumped back shocked, immediately he looked around was anyone injured. His heart speed up, and he felt a growing feel of nausea in the pit of his stomach as he stared at the dismembered body of one of the gunners. So, this was war.

Edited February 9, 2006 by Megajames

[Dorkthehunter]

Can someone post some feedback ???

First of all, I think that post was unnecessary.

Second of all, nice start.

Thirdly, What do you mean the first real war in 1000 years??? I think you need to check your chronology. There were wars before than. What about the Mandalorian Wars??? (pm me if you want more examples)

The rest of it was quite good though. You might want to add something about "he hadn't been trained for fear, but it was something that came naturally, even thought he was a clone"

 

Also, if someone could post feedback on my Crusades??? story, that would be great!

[Megajames]

thnks for the idea, I like it,I will add it in the next version. And sorry about the feedback thing, but at the time, nobody had posted on it at all. Edited February 11, 2006 by Megajames

[Darth Plagueis]

Not bad.

 

Keep writing man you will get better, also make sure to read those star wars books like X-wing series.

[Megajames]

I have read the first and last X-wing books but can't find any othere ones

[Baron_Fel]

Thirdly, What do you mean the first real war in 1000 years??? I think you need to check your chronology. There were wars before than. What about the Mandalorian Wars??? (pm me if you want more examples)

I dont know about any other wars, there probably were, but the Mandalorian Wars happened 4 millenia before the clone wars.

I have read the first and last X-wing books but can't find any othere ones

How can you not find them??? I am puzzled. Just about every bookstore Ive been in bigger than my room has all or most of the X-wing series. Granted, if you dont live in the US then maybe you might have trouble, but I wouldnt know. You always could order them from amazon if you can get ahold of a cc.

 

EDIT: Nice little action packed story. Clearly inspired by Republic Commando, but thats a good thing.

Just one thing, this line:

None off his training could have prepared his for this.

Could not have been more inaccurate. Clones have been in hundreds of live fire and sim training situations. If you like clones and clone wars era stuff, read the Republic Commando book Hard Contact, and the sequal which I cant remember the name of.

[Megajames]

Thanks, I live in the UK and the libury does not have many of them, but i am going to get them soon. I will see it the libury has Hard Contact, if not I might buy it.

 

[quote author=Baron_Fel link=topic=2306.msg37091#msg37091 date=1139767840

EDIT: Nice little action packed story. Clearly inspired by Republic Commando, but thats a good thing.

I was inspired by the game to write the story, so to pay it some tribute I have the same start as the game

(Zero Hour-Clone Wars-Geonosis)

 

Thanks for the feedback

 

Ps: I am soon going to update the story to over 800 words long

Edited February 12, 2006 by Megajames

[Megajames]

Ok this is the update:

It does have pictures but I can't upload them

 

 

Zero Hour-Clone Wars-Geonosis

 

There was a stomach-pulling lurch as the gunship dropped from its rack and began hurtling towards the ground. Alpha 01 was a commando, a clone commando, his squad were with him in the gunship readying themselves for battle, the first battle of the first real war in over 900 years, the Clone Wars. There was a hiss as the large doors of his gunship opened. None of his training could have prepared him for this. He was still hundreds of feet above the ground and he had an incredible view of the battle. Laser bolts flew over the harsh landscape like an unorganised tapestry, huge columns of rock collapsed as random missiles slammed into them. He had been trained not to feel fear, but it was something that came naturally right now, as he watched as the two armies battled. “No, what was he doing?” he thought.  He must not let his squad see him being fearful.

 

He looked at the army of clones below, this was there first ever battle. It must be hard down there knowing that their every action was being watched, and that over half the galaxy was going to be placing their lives in the clone’s hands. But why was he worrying about them? He was a commando, their problems would be nothing compared to what he had to face. A red laser shot past him smacking into the other side of the gunship, he jumped back, shocked. Immediately he looked around, was anyone injured? His heart speed up, and he felt a growing feel of nausea in the pit of his stomach as he stared at the dismembered body of one of the gunners. So, this was war.

 

“So, this is Alpha squad” Muttered Alpha 01, or Viper as he preferred to be called. He looked at his five companions. He had known them from the moment he came out of his cloning vat, he trained with them, fought with them. Until now they were like brothers. He stared at the nearest commando. Hs name was Alpha 88 but every one called him Decimator, for a good reason. The next was 03, he was a superb pilot, and was unimaginably called Pilot by everyone. His eyes them fell upon Snipe, he did not like Snipe as much as the others, he had no humour, no life in him, just pure obedience of every order he received, and the ability to shot something the size of a man’s head a mile away. He then turned his attention to another commando, Demo rarely spoke to them and was one to just get onto the job at hand, which in his case was most often some sort of demolition. And last but not least, was Steel. He was an odd sort, very aggressive, and preferred close combat to messing around with blasters, and yet he would do anything to save a squad member.

 

“Alpha squad, you have reached your destination, requesting permission to turn off camouflage device and begin bombardment” said the pilot of the gunship in the same, cold voice that every clone had. The doors hissed open, they were in front of a huge droid core ship. It stood there ominously, the huge giant was at the back of the battle and had its shields down, and with them up they would never be able to get in. “Go ahead!” shouted Viper over the noise of the battle. The gunship began pounding a gap between some of the armour plating with missiles. Suddenly an alarm began screaming at them. “They have a missile lock on us.” shouted Steel

“Fire the grapple now” ordered Viper as soon as an armour plate blew off the core ship. There was a clang as the grapple slammed in the core ship. The Commandos zip wired down into the core ship. “Are we all here?” checked Viper looking up at the gunship.  It turned away and began heading back to the battle, when out of the blue, it was pelted with missiles. Viper swore under his breath watching the wreckage on the gunship slam into the ground.

 

Decimator began moving down the corridor when suddenly he heard the dull beat of marching. “Get down” he called over the comlink. They all hid behind cover, waiting, watching, and fearing. A small group of security droids appeared at the end of the corridor.

“Stand up and put down your weapons” ordered one of the droids in its synthesized voice.

 

Snipe stood, up took out his pistol, and lowered it to the ground. As he did that, in the shadows Decimator armed his repeater rifle, and pulled the trigger. The droids were annihilated instantly. ”What happened to the stealth approach?” asked Steel, obviously annoyed. “I think it went up in flames” joked Decimator as he kicked one of the flaming droid carcases to the side. In the distance, an alarm went off. Decimator cursed under his breath. The rest of the squad went tense. Then the doors at the end off the room opened and battle droid came pouring out...

To be continued

Edited February 12, 2006 by Megajames

[Darth Noob]

i realy liked it alot ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[kingdark]

Me wants more i take a shotgun and start shooting for more

[Megajames]

Thanks for the encouragement, and there will be shotguns In the story ;D

[kingdark]

when can we expect the next chapter?

[Megajames]

Um, hard to tell, tomorrow I am going to work really hard on it, so at 6:00 tomorrow I will post how far I am up to by then.

Thanks for showing interest it the story ;D

[kingdark]

keep an eye on my story too! i will keep working on the story so keep checkng

[Megajames]

I have been, it looks good

[kingdark]

thanks i realy apreciate that

[Megajames]

Change of plan I will be releasing an update in 30 mins (11 gtm) Edited February 15, 2006 by Megajames

[Megajames]

Here it is, I might not get as much done as I wanted today as I may be going round a friend.

 

 

Zero Hour-Clone Wars-Geonosis

 

 

There was a stomach-pulling lurch as the gunship dropped from its rack and began hurtling towards the ground. Alpha 01 was a commando, a clone commando, his squad were with him in the gunship readying themselves for battle, the first battle of the first real war in over 900 years, the Clone Wars. There was a hiss as the large doors of his gunship opened. None of his training could have prepared him for this. He was still hundreds of feet above the ground and he had an incredible view of the battle. Laser bolts flew over the harsh landscape like an unorganised tapestry, huge columns of rock collapsed as random missiles slammed into them. He had been trained not to feel fear, but it was something that came naturally right now, as he watched as the two armies battled. “No, what was he doing?” he thought. He must not let his squad see him being fearful.

 

He looked at the army of clones below, this was there first ever battle. It must be hard down there knowing that their every action was being watched, and that over half the galaxy was going to be placing their lives in the clone’s hands. But why was he worrying about them? He was a commando, their problems would be nothing compared to what he had to face. A red laser shot past him smacking into the other side of the gunship, he jumped back, shocked. Immediately he looked around, was anyone injured? His heart speed up, and he felt a growing feel of nausea in the pit of his stomach as he stared at the dismembered body of one of the gunners. So, this was war.

 

“So, this is Alpha squad” Muttered Alpha 01, or Viper as he preferred to be called. He looked at his five companions. He had known them from the moment he came out of his cloning vat, he trained with them, fought with them. Until now they were like brothers. He stared at the nearest commando. Hs name was Alpha 88 but every one called him Decimator, for a good reason. The next was 03, he was a superb pilot, and was unimaginably called Pilot by everyone. His eyes them fell upon Snipe, he did not like Snipe as much as the others, he had no humour, no life in him, just pure obedience of every order he received, and the ability to shot something the size of a man’s head a mile away. He then turned his attention to another commando, Demo rarely spoke to them and was one to just get onto the job at hand, which in his case was most often some sort of demolition. And last but not least, was Steel. He was an odd sort, very aggressive, and preferred close combat to messing around with blasters, and yet he would do anything to save a squad member.

 

“Alpha squad, you have reached your destination, requesting permission to turn off camouflage device and begin bombardment” said the pilot of the gunship in the same, cold voice that every clone had. The doors hissed open, they were in front of a huge droid core ship. It stood there ominously, the huge giant was at the back of the battle and had its shields down, and with them up they would never be able to get in. “Go ahead!” shouted Viper over the noise of the battle. The gunship began pounding a gap between some of the armour plating with missiles.

 

Suddenly an alarm began screaming at them.

“They have a missile lock on us.” shouted Steel

“Fire the grapple now” ordered Viper as soon as an armour plate blew off the core ship. There was a clang as the grapple slammed in the core ship. The Commandos zip wired down into the core ship.

“Are we all here?” checked Viper looking up at the gunship. It turned away and began heading back to the battle when out of the blue it was pelted with missiles. Viper swore under his breath watching the wreckage on the gunship slam into the ground.

 

Decimator began moving down the corridor when suddenly he heard the dull beat of marching. “Get down” he called over the comlink. They all hid behind cover, waiting, watching, and fearing. A small group of security droids appeared at the end of the corridor.

“Stand up and put down your weapons” ordered one of the droids in its synthesized voice.

 

Snipe stood, up took out his pistol, and lowered it to the ground. As he did that, in the shadows Decimator armed his repeater rifle, and pulled the trigger. The droids were annihilated instantly.

”What happened to the stealth approach?” asked Steel, obviously annoyed.

“I think it went up in flames,” joked Decimator as he kicked one of the flaming droid carcases to the side. In the distance, an alarm went off. Decimator cursed under his breath. The rest of the squad went tense. Then the doors at the end off the room opened and battle droid came pouring out.

 

The commando’s dived behind cover like they had done in thousands of training simulations, except this time mistakes got you killed. But Alpha squad never made mistakes. Viper was the first to attack, he rolled under the barrage of laser fire and threw a grenade. There was an ear-deafening boom as the grenade went off, blasting the droids to oblivion. However Demo was interested in something different.

“Run back, the ceiling is going to collapse,” he shouted.

“How can you tell?” asked Pilot stepping back cautiously

“I am a demolition expert, of course I can tell,” answered Demo running back down the corridor. T he others took his word for it and ran back with him. After a minute Snipe said in an irritated voice,

“Why did you worry all of us over nothing? Its as strong as ever” he raised his pistol at the ceiling and shot ”See absolutely fine” he said, Demo could imagine Snipe sneering from under his helmet. Then the ceiling collapsed.

 

“Great look what you have done now,” said Pilot making now effort to hide his anger “Now we will have half the droids in the ship chasing after us”

“Well if,” began Snipe

“Two words, Shut, Up” ordered Viper, “Now, we need to split up. Me, Steel, and Demo are going the find the main reactor. Pilot, Snipe, and Decimator, get Pilot to a computer terminal, where he can track us and try to help in any way possible. Understood?” he waited for no replied and beckoned Steel and Demo to follow him.

“So, I have to baby-sit Pilot while he plays computer games” sneered Snipe. Viper took out his pistol and in one easy movement set it to its lowest setting and shot Snipe in the leg. There was a crunch as Snipe slammed into the hard, dull, metal wall.

 

Viper crept slowly along the walkway. Below him were thousand of battle droids marching in formation and being loaded in to transporters. He then turned his attention the end off the hanger. There were two huge thick metal, doors stopping them from continuing into the heart of the core ship.

“ I will open the doors, as soon as they open go straight though” said Steel through the comlink in his helmet.

“How are you going to be able to open them?” questioned Demo, scanning the huge door for weaknesses. Steel look at a control panel on the other side of the hanger.

 

Five minutes later Steel was clinging the ceiling of the hanger, held on only by the magnetic grip pads that covered his jet-black armour. Carefully he began to move forward, hoping that none of the droid below saw him. Then the pipe he was gripping, started to heat up he lost his grip and fell. Then he felt a lurch, he turned his head round with difficulty, and saw to his relief that one of the pad on his boots had held fast. After a few minutes he had pulled himself back into the matrix of pipes, however he was becoming aware of the time this was taking. It would not be long before the core ship took off a retreated from battle. He looked down once more, he was dead above the control panel. He jumped down silently and moved up behind the closest droid. He tapped a button on armour and a short vibro blade came out. He silently stabbed the droid in front of him. After he had rendered all the droids near the panel useless, he began working out how to open the doors. Soon he had found what he needed.

“Viper,” he called over the comlink.

“Yes”

“I am ready”

“Open them up” ordered Viper. The huge doors screeched and began to open. At the same time hundreds of battle droids turned towards Steel, all with their weapons raised.

Edited February 15, 2006 by Megajames

[Dorkthehunter]

Quite good!!! I need a touch more background of why they are fighting and who they are fighting for, where they are fighting. There are a couple of spelling/grammar things, but overall nicely done.

[Megajames]

That is explained in the second chapter (But this chapter is not even finished yet)

[Megajames]

If no one comments then I will not continue

[Dorkthehunter]

That's kind of demanding! I commented! That's got to count for something. My guess is you need more publisity. Try sendin pms to a couple of people!!! Not the whole board. And don't keep sending them to people. Agree to help edit or comment on their stories if they will help you out. Also, make sure that the comments aren't "very good" "okay" "alright" "it sucked" "you suck" "i'm scared for life" or anything like that. People should have comments on how to change things and help you out not just "good job".

[kingdark]

I find it a verry good story, but a bit more detail about the area should be done. I already said i like the story so...