Crusades?

[Dorkthehunter]

I am writing a story about the Third Crusade. I know it isn't about Star Wars, but I was wondering if I could post parts of it anyway. I started writing it in middle school, so the beginning is kind of bad....and I haven't really gone back to completely fix the whole thing. I was wondering if anyone could give me any tips on what to do to improve it:

 

 

“Clang!â€

[Darkmark]

What's the son's name again...

 

Yeah, I think another draft would help. Firstly it feels very fragmanted, and this is mainly because you keep repeating Edward's name. If you were to put 'he' in replacement of 'Edward' for some of the more redundant places it would flow much more nicely. Of all this is probably the most distracting currently, but it's easily sorted.

 

Your use of speech between characters could probably be improved upon here too, but again this is improved quite a lot simply by removing some of the 'Edward' references.

 

You also tend to be 'telling' the reader a lot instead of 'showing'. As a result there isn't much description in the piece. Try to be a bit more subtle and introduce aspects which could show us the things you tell us.

 

To be positive, I enjoyed it despite the fragmentation. Now this could be it's just close to home here, but in any case I found it enjoyable. I think it might be because you've got a good place to begin a story, with the training fight. Add a little more detail to the fight, but it's a nice place to start a story, and does get you instantly involved with the character.

 

Again this is all constructive criticism here. I don't mean to offend or suggest that it's bad. The criticism is only intended to try to help it get better.

[Dorkthehunter]

Thanks for the help. Don't hold back on any comments, it helps out a lot. I made some edits and am adding another part to it, that again, I have not edited in a while:

“Clang!â€

[Darkmark]

The part before is much better. Like before I think it could do with a little more detail in parts, so more description of the events and surroundings would definitely benefit it.

 

I notice you still use quite a lot of the character's first names when you don't really need to. TOne way you could try to to think of it is that if you've just used one character's name, you shouldn't need to use it again unless you mention another character. Until you mention another character the reader is still with the first one, so when using 'he' they automatically think of the character you mentioned originally. I know there are exceptions to this, but for the most part it hold true.

 

I think this is why the fights work well, because it needs the clarity on who is doing what to who, and using 'he' too much would just confuse things.

 

But yes, it's much improved over the first draft.

[Dorkthehunter]

Here's the 2nd Duel:

 

The Second Duel

Edward arrived at the stadium just in time. He grabbed a wooden sword, put his armor on right before the king’s assistant called out his name.

“Introducing the soldier who beat Sir Nicholas, Edward of Canterbury!â€

[Dorkthehunter]

The Second Duel

Edward arrived at the stadium just in time. He grabbed a wooden sword, put his armor on right before the king’s assistant called out his name.

“Introducing the soldier who beat Sir Nicholas, Edward of Canterbury!”  There was a great roar of applause from the crowd as Edward entered the stadium. Edward swung his sword around a couple of times and got ready to face his opponent. “And his challenger, Sir Richard of Lewes!”

Edward was thinking, “That’s the fighter I saw with the red cross on his shield. I wished I could beat him them, and I am sure of it now.”

“Ready? Fight!” said the king’s assistant

Edward charged at Richard. Richard got ready to face Edward’s charge by brandishing his sword menacingly to try and throw his momentum off. Edward suddenly dove forward to the ground, dodging Richard’s surprise attack.  The knight leaped to the side in order not to be stabbed, and then slashed where Edward’s head should have been, but the younger contestant had rolled to the right at the last second and then leapt up with a diagonal thrust. Richard easily blocked the assault, and their swords became locked. Both Englishmen pushed with their sword with all their might, but Edward was not as strong as Richard, so the young warrior found himself being driven to his knees. He pushed up with all his might, and then leapt to the side, and twisted his body to the right to still face his opponent. While still airborne, Edward had to parry two quick slashes by Richard, intended to catch him off guard. But Edward parried them, landed, and pushed off the ground to attack his foe. Richard blocked the first top right slice linked into a left slash with his sword, and then ducked and let a head bound slash sail right over him. He then blocked the next attack with his shield and then responded with a fake backhand hack turned into a forward thrust. Edward blocked that with his shield, and then for a moment, the two combatants did not attack, but stood there, panting. Edward and Richard moved in a circle, each waiting for the other to attack. The older knight’s red cross shield came sweeping left, blocking Edward’s sword, while his sword came slicing from the right. He pushed the cross shield with his forearm and blocked the blade with his shield.

“I understand how you defeated my brother. But you will not defeat me!” exclaimed Richard. “Let me see you battle me without your shield. I don’t think you can beat me without a shield, as you did my brother.”

“Fine! It is time to decide who is better with a sword only,” said Edward, still thinking about Richard being brothers with Nicholas.

As both combatants put their shields down, the crowd became silent, hoping that it wasn’t over, but then loader than ever when Richard charged at Edward. He swung his sword two-handed, adding tremendous power to his attack. Edward smacked the other weapon with his own blade, thrusting Richard’s sword to go sideways. This is what Edward needed, so he stabbed straight at the red cross on his opponents breastplate. But the attack did not hit the armor. Rather, it hit Richard’s sword, which he had spun downwards for the block. Edward was astonished by the block, but knew that Richard was wearing down, along with himself. He swung his blade left, reversed it, twirled it over his head back to his right side, and ended in a backhanded slash. Unfortunately, the elder knight followed every move and parried the attack. Edward reversed the sword, attacked right, and then flicked the sword to his left hand. He caught it and then stabbed Richard, all in one fluid motion.

“And the winner is… Edward of Canterbury!” said the king’s assistant.

The crowd applauded for Edward. Richard got up from off of the ground, and went over to Edward.

“Excellent show! I now know how you beat my brother. You are a very talented fighter. It has been a long time since my brother and the same person in a tournament has defeated us. Just wait to the next tournament after the Crusade. I will beat you!” said Richard.

King Richard walked up to Edward and said, “That was some excellent swords play. Richard is also going on the Crusade. Have you thought about it any more?”

“I have decided to go. I will go with you to the very end. When will the Crusade start?” asked Edward

“Whenever we are ready. It will probably be after the tournament, but no one knows what event will transpire to change that though,” answered the king.

Edward left the stadium, and went to his uncle’s house, where he was staying for the remainder of the tournament. He walked in and told his uncle about the battle that had just happened. His uncle wasn’t too surprised at the outcome. Edward went to bed to get energized for the next duel.

Edward woke up the next morning and got dressed. He grabbed his armor, and left his uncle’s house to get to the stadium early to watch some of the earlier duels. When he got there, there was a duel that just started. The two contestants were each around thirty years of age. The battle was quite boring compared to Edward’s battles. Finally one of the contestants attacked with great fury, slashing left, reversing right, faking that, and then stabbing the other one in the thigh, followed by a slash to the chest. The crowd applauded, but not loudly, for the winner.

Edward went down to the lower deck and put on his armor, and grabbed a wooden sword.

“It’s a good thing that we’re not using real swords, or else we would’ve lost a lot of good knights by now.” said Edward as he grabbed a sword.

He did his battle meditation and warm-ups to ready him for the battle. He finished and entered the arena.

“Now introducing… Edward of Canterbury!” The crowd cheered very loudly for Edward. Edward took his sword and saluted to the crowd and to King Richard. “Introducing his challenger…. Gregory of Southampton!” The crowd cheered for Gregory.

“Fight!!!”

 

The Third Duel

 

Edward waited for Gregory to do something. Gregory charged with great speed and strength, but not enough to stop Edward. Edward ran out to meet him and parried all the attacks, and answered with some of his own. Gregory parried all of those attacks. Gregory took his shield and attempted to ram Edward. But Edward was too quick for him. Edward ducked and pushed up with all of his might on the bottom of the shield. Gregory’s shield flew out of his hands, and went far away in the stadium. The crowd cheered for Edward’s brilliant move, but he wasn’t done yet. Gregory watched his shield in amazement for a couple of seconds, and that was all Edward needed. He took his opportunity to strike, and attacked to the left side, but then stopped it and attacked up. Gregory barely blocked the second attack and was struck by a stab in the side. Gregory fell to the ground, defeated.

“The winner is…. Edward of Canterbury!” The crowd cheered for Edward as he helped Gregory off of the ground.

As Gregory walked out of the arena, King Richard came over to Edward and said, “Nice fight! That was a very short duel! You are now in the semifinal round of the tournament. Congratulations!”

Edward went out of the arena and headed to his uncle’s house. When he got there, his uncle wasn’t there. Edward searched around the house, but couldn’t find him. He finally found him at the lake feeding the ducks.

“Uncle, what are you doing feeding the ducks?” His uncle didn’t respond. He asked again, “Uncle Henry! What are you doing feeding the ducks?” His uncle still didn’t answer.

Edward walked over to his uncle. His uncle didn’t really notice him. Edward grabbed a piece of bread, and threw it at the water. The ducks swam over and ate it.

“I’m not feeling that well,” said his uncle.

“Do you need a doctor? What’s wrong?”

His uncle just collapsed into the water.

“Uncle!!!!” said Edward as he dove into the water to try and save him.

Edward swam around, searched for his uncle, found him, and grabbed him. He swam up to the surface, gasping for breath. He pulled his uncle up to the shore, and asked if he was okay. His uncle didn’t respond. He took his uncle to the nearest monastery, and asked if the healers there if they knew what disease he had. They didn’t know right away what disease he had, but they said that they would try to figure out what it was and cure it. Edward thanked them and left the monestary.

Edward went back to the arena for his next duel, in the semifinal round. He got there, and put his armor on. He then grabbed a wooden sword, and practiced with it.

“Now the contestants for the next duel. First, Edward of Canterbury!!!!!” said the king’s assistant. “His challenger is Isaac of Norwich!!!!”

The crowd cheered deafeningly for the two contestants.

“Ready…. Fight!!!”

 

I reposted the first part becuase it had weird symbols that were very distracting! Hope you all like it!

[Megajames]

Wow that is good, but more discrition, and what he is feeling, is he getting worn out, or does he feel on to of the world. But great story otherwise

[Darkmark]

Also try not to repeat yourself so soon after you've just said it.  Most noticeable was the point:  "...and asked if the healers there if they knew what disease he had. They didn’t know right away what disease he had".  The repetition doesn't really help, and just breaks up the reader's attention too much.  The best way of solving this is to add in an extra sentence or two about his own thoughts/emotions, but it could be done by simply rephrasing one of the two to sound different.  There was a part in the second dual you did this in too and it caught my eye.  It was where you finish a sentence with 'Edward', and then begin the next with 'Edward', making it feel a bit disjointed.  If you can use 'he' instead without causing confusion over who is doing what, then it really helps.  Just at a simple glance back to it there are places where this can be done with no trouble.  I think I may have said about that 'he' thing before though...

 

Your second dual piece seemed to be better written and less rushed in comparison with the third one.  For example:  "Edward swam around, searched for his uncle, found him, and grabbed him."  There's a lot going on in the time of this one sentence, and as it is, it just feels rushed.  If you could pace it out a bit and give some of his emotions, or some detail of surroundings (what the water was like, temperature, appearance) sentences like this would be greatly enhanced.

 

Other than that it's pretty good.   As always I'm not being at all derisive of the piece or author's style, I'm just trying to help them get even better with some constructive feedback...  etc etc...

[Lord Rendar]

Here's the edited version and a bunch of new stuff. Enjoy!

 

The Third Duel

 

Edward waited for Gregory to do something. Gregory charged with great speed and strength, but not enough to stop Edward. Edward ran out to meet him and parried all the attacks, and answered with some of his own. Gregory parried all of those attacks. He took his shield and attempted to ram Edward. But Edward was too quick for him. He ducked and pushed up with all of his might on the bottom of the shield. Gregory’s shield flew out of his hands, and went far away in the stadium. The crowd cheered for Edward’s brilliant move, but he wasn’t done yet. Gregory watched his shield in amazement for a couple of seconds, and that was all Edward needed. He took his opportunity to strike, and attacked to the left side, but then stopped it and attacked up. Gregory barely blocked the second attack and was struck by a stab in the side. He collapsed onto the ground, defeated.

“The winner is…. Edward of Canterbury!” The crowd cheered for Edward as he helped Gregory off of the ground.

As Gregory walked out of the arena, King Richard came over to Edward and said, “Impressive! You are showing the prowess of a very fine knight.”

Edward went out of the arena and headed to his uncle’s house. When he got there, his uncle wasn’t there. Edward searched around the house, but couldn’t find him. He finally found him at the lake feeding the ducks.

“Uncle, what are you doing feeding the ducks?” His uncle didn’t respond. He asked again, “Uncle Henry! What are you doing feeding the ducks?” His uncle still didn’t answer.

Edward walked over to his uncle. His uncle didn’t really notice him. Edward grabbed a piece of bread, and threw it at the water. The ducks swam over and ate it.

“I’m not feeling that well,” said his uncle.

“Do you need a doctor? What’s wrong?” asked Edward.

His uncle just collapsed into the water.

“Uncle!!!!” said Edward as he dove into the water to try and save him.

The water felt ice cold on his face, and he soon realized that many soldiers die when they try to swim in their armor. Edward suddenly panicked and started heading for the surface, but then he spotted his uncle slowly moving on the sand at the bottom of the lake. He swam over to him with all his strength and grabbed him with his left arm. He held his uncle close to his chest with his left arm, and swam up to the surface with his other arm and kicked with his legs. Edward did not think that he was going to make it up without drowning, as his armor seemed to weigh twice as much as normal. He felt himself moving backwards, and kicked and swam with all of his might. Edward knew that even if he did not survive, he would do all that he could to save his uncle. He was just about to throw his uncle to the surface with the last of his strength, but then his feet hit sand, and he stumbled up to the surface.

After his head had penetrated the water, Edward gasped for breath. He set his uncle on the sand and asked if he was okay. His uncle didn’t respond. After taking his armor off, Edward took his uncle to the nearest monastery, and asked if the healers there if they knew what disease he had. They didn’t know right away what disease he had, but they said that they would do the best that they could. Edward thanked them and left the monastery.

Edward rested for a couple of hours, and then put his armor on and walked to the arena. He to the side of the arena, and spent a couple of minutes picking out a wooden sword until he had one that he believed would suit him well. He begun his battle-meditation and prepared for the duel.

“Now the contestants for the next duel. First, Edward of Canterbury!!!!!” said the king’s assistant. “His challenger is Isaac of Norwich!!!!”

The crowd cheered deafeningly for the two contestants.

“Ready…. Fight!!!”

 

The Semifinals

 

Isaac charged at Edward. Edward ducked and rolled and Isaac stabbed, but missed Edward by a couple of centimeters. Edward got back up and went on the offensive. Isaac parried the attacks and sent some back. Edward was amazed by Isaac’s skill and decided to fight all the harder. Edward now mixed in some fakes with some real attacks to try and throw Isaac off. He wasn’t thrown off by Edward’s attacks. Edward then had to defend, because Isaac was attacking now, and with great skill and force. He had to think of a plan to defeat Isaac. Edward charged at Isaac, but Isaac seemed like he was ready for that. He quickly moved to the right and ducked to avoid Edward’s attack. Edward was then vulnerable to an attack from behind. Isaac attacked. Edward ducked and twisted, dodging the attack. Isaac looked very surprised for a second, but got a grip on himself, and attacked again. Edward blocked this one with ease, and got ready. Isaac back stepped five times, and then charged. He attacked with his sword straight out hoping that it would hit Edward straight in the chest, so that he would win. Edward destroyed his hopes by moving his sword to the side, and then by blocking the attack. Edward put all of his strength into one final push, and tried to push Isaac’s sword out of his hands. It didn’t work. Isaac somehow repelled the attack. He then took his one opportunity to win and attacked. Edward dodged the attack, but barely. He then found the opportune moment to use the slash and roll move that his father had taught him. He quickly sheathed his sword and did a forward roll on the ground, leaving himself vulnerable to an attack. Isaac took the irresistible bait and ran in for the victory. Edward then unsheathed his sword and spun his body around and did an upwards slash all at the same time. This move was originally supposed to cleave an enemy’s head off, and as Edward didn’t want to do that, he lowered the stroke so that it would strike his opponent’s side. Isaac was in the process of doing a downward thrust, but when Edward’s attack hit him, he was thrown off of balance, and his strike missed Edward by a foot. The duel was over.

“And the winner is… Edward of Canterbury!!!”

The crowd cheered for Edward louder than they ever had before.

Edward weakly walked over to Isaac and said, “ Not bad. You should consider joining the Crusade.”

Isaac didn’t say anything for a while, and then he started speaking, “My uncle taught me everything he knew, and I was never defeated until now. I now have tasted my first defeat, but it will only make me stronger!”

“Very true. You are still in the tournament though. You are going for third place. Good luck!” responded Edward.

King Richard got off of his throne and walked over to Isaac and spoke to him. Meanwhile, Sir Nicholas walked over to Edward.

“I have to admit that was a bloody good duel, Edward. You just keep getting better and better. Pretty soon you’ll be almost unstoppable! Then I will have to face you again and put you back in your place,” boasted Nicholas.

King Richard walked over to Edward. “That was an excellent duel as you have probably heard before. You have impressed me greatly. I know your father and know that he has taught you well. You have almost been a squire to him for a while, and I wish for you to become one of my knights.”

“It would be my honor, my liege, to become one of your knights,” responded Edward.

“The knighting ceremony will be after the championship round of the tournament,” replied King Richard. He left Edward and went back to his throne. The soon to be knight walked back to his uncle’s house. When he got there, one of the healers from the monastery was there and his uncle was on a bed in the middle of the room. Obviously by his own wishes, his uncle had been moved from his deathbed in the monastery to a new deathbed in his own house so that he may die near the same place his wife had died.

“What is wrong with my uncle?” Edward asked, attempting to control his emotions.

“He has a disease that he should’ve told us about earlier, but now it is too late. It’s spreading too fast,” said the nurse. “I am terribly sorry.”

“Edward,” his uncle said in a weak voice. “Go on the Crusade. Fight for me. I wish I could go with you but I am not well enough. Win the tournament. Win it for me…” Edward’s uncle’s voice faded off and he was motionless.

“No!” Edward exclaimed as he grabbed his uncle’s body. “I will fight for you! I promise you I will win the tournament and go on the Crusade and capture the Holy Land! I will fight!”

Edward buried his uncle next to his aunt’s grave, on the side of his house, near the gardens that his wife had spent most of her life tending to and maintaining.

“Rest in peace, dear uncle. Rest in peace,” he said solemnly.

Edward went away from the cemetery and back to his uncle’s house. He put his armor on and set off for the arena.

After a depressing walk to the arena, Edward arrived there and saw that the third place round was taking place. Isaac was fighting furiously against his opponent. Isaac had the upper hand. He attacked again and again and finally his opponent couldn’t block them. Isaac attacked with such strength that his wooden sword broke on his opponent’s armor.

“The winner is… Isaac of Norwich!”

Edward cheered for his newest rival and went down to the bottom of the arena.

“And now the championship round between Edward of Canterbury and Sir Charles of London!” said the king’s assistant. “Ready? Fight!!!”

 

 

 

The Final Duel

Charles waited for Edward to attack. Edward also waited patiently. Charles finally rushed at Edward. Edward knew that he was going to do that and knew exactly how to counter it. Charles stabbed straight; Edward dodged right. Then he slashed at the right side; which was barely blocked by Charles, and then faked left and slashed right again. Charles ducked under the sword and pushed up with his sword. The sword almost flew out of Edward’s hands, but amazingly Edward held onto it. Edward took his shield and threw it at Charles. Charles ran and jumped over the shield!

“How did he do that? That’s entirely inconceivable!” thought Edward.

Charles then charged at Edward and stabbed at him with his sword. Edward easily parried the attack, but then Charles hit him with his shield from point blank range. Edward ducked and twisted, but still got hit in his sword arm by the shield. His sword flung out of his hand and onto the ground. Charles charged at Edward. Edward ran over to his sword and kicked the end of it. His weapon flew up into the air and right into Edward’s hand just as Charles was attacking. Edward parried the attack and started attacking. Now Edward started coming back to gain the advantage again. The crowd was amazed at Edward’s great return from the edge of defeat. He got back into the rhythm of the duel and let his training and reflexes take over. The battle commenced with such ferocity that soon both of the contestants’ swords were blurs. Edward decided that now was the opportune time to execute the hardest, but most effective trick that his father had ever taught him. He kept forcing Charles to move backwards at a quick pace. Edward unleashed two full power swings that would have easily broken someone’s neck, or dismember them, even with a wooden blade. The attacks did not hit Charles, but they were enough to force him into a hasty retreat. Once Charles was close enough to the center of the arena, Edward launched his plan. He slashed right and then swept his sword in a slash at Charles’ knees. As any good knight would do, Charles jumped over the attack, which was just what Edward wanted him to do. Charles’ leap sent him right into the hay barrel in the center of the arena, and threw him off balance. Now, it was in this crucial moment that the tournament could be won or lost by Edward. He quickly sent a slash with all of his might at Charles’ sword. The attack hit and knocked the blade out of his opponent’s hand. Edward ended the duel with a stab to the chest.

“The winner is…Edward of Canterbury!!!!!!” shouted the page as the crowds cheered deafeningly.

After about twenty seconds of cheering, King Richard raised his hand and everyone fell silent.

[Megajames]

These are good, but there is no storyline of plot, but good work if you just wanted to do some fight sceans,

[Dorkthehunter]

After the last duel, they go on the Crusade. That when things get really interesting. That is the plot. This is the last tournament before the Crusade. Right after the last duel, Edward will get knighted and then get a little bit of training, and then go on the Crusade.

[Megajames]

Cool, I liked it anywhy. Please add to it, I want to find out what happeneds now the tornny is over

 

Please cheack out my story at:

http://pff.swrebellion.com/index.php?topic=2306.0

Edited February 22, 2006 by Megajames

[Dorkthehunter]

It's been over a month since I've posted an update(for those few that care). I will post one soon.

[Megajames]

yay I want more

[Dorkthehunter]

I'm sure that no one cares(except maybe Megajames and Darkmark, if he ever looks at this again)but I have been editing this even further and adding quite a bit more detail in terms of Edward's thoughts, and more background info. So...........................................a revised version should come soon.

 

In the mean time, I am going to post a small update. Enjoy!

 

Part II

The Training

“This was one of the best duel that I have ever seen! Both of the contestants are worthy of great praise. But the winner, Edward shall be knighted now. Edward, come forward!” demanded the King of England.

Edward walked over to King Richard, and the pulled out his sword. It was the most beautiful swords that Edward had ever seen. The hilt was covered in jewels and the blade had a gold like tint to it. Its radiance was magnified as the sun shown off of it. 

“I dub thee; Sir Edward of Canterbury!” said King Richard as he dubbed Edward. “Go and serve as a knight of England!”

The crowd cheered for Sir Edward of Canterbury. He got up and left the arena. When he was going on his way back to his uncle’s house, he saw Sir Nicholas. Nicholas walked over to Edward.

“So, Sir Edward, how do you like your new title?” asked Nicholas.

“It’s okay. I’m not sure that I’m ready to be a knight though,” replied Edward.

[Megajames]

No one cares about the this thread, after I decied not to get EaW I hoped I could continue my story here, no one cared so I stoped and only come here very ocasionaly

[Dorkthehunter]

No one cares about the this thread, after I decied not to get EaW I hoped I could continue my story here, no one cared so I stoped and only come here very ocasionaly

I will still post here. Please continue, and also post criticism on mine. Point out mistakes, or confusing things.

[Dorkthehunter]

Since the forums have been reset...I guess I will add more to this story! *all the fans(all none of them) go crazy*

[Dorkthehunter]

Here's a taste of what the actual Crusade will look like:

 

 

    “Edward—hurry! Five Cypriot galleys have been spotted! They are trying to prevent us from landing! We have to destroy them!” yelled Sir Nicholas as Edward ran out of the king’s quarters.

      Edward journeyed back to the bow of his ship and peered out over the sea. The news was confirmed. There really were five Cypriot galleys approaching them!

      “I want every man in his position immediately! Send the archers toward the front of the ship. Order them to fire at will on the enemies. We will show the Cypriots true power!” said Edward to his crew.

    The crossbowmen hurried to the stern of the ship, while the other crewmen speedily moved to their stations. Sir Robin ordered the crossbowmen to form ranks and prepare to fire.

    Edward could see Cypriot soldiers assembling on their ship, preparing to board his ship. He took out his sword and prepared for the onslaught. But it never came. Once the Cypriots got within range, volley after volley of arrows rained down upon them from the English ships. Soldiers dove off of their ships to escape the arrows. The battle ended as quickly as it had started. The few Cypriot survivors struggled to swim to shore, and many drowned.

    Edward’s ship was nearing land, and he was preparing for the battle to come. He was awakened from his battle meditation by a yell: “The king is charging to the shore! Follow him!”

    Edward looked over the front of the boat, over the glistening water, out to the shore. It seemed so serene that it was inconceivable that a battle was going to take place in the coming minutes.  But sure enough, he spotted King Richard wading to the beachhead, with some knights eagerly following him.

    “Onward, men! Onward! To the king!” urged Edward as he leapt into the water to wade ashore.

The water was not dreadfully cold, thankfully, but it was still a difficult feat to wade in full armor. Edward turned his head and saw many other soldiers following his example and he urged them forward.

    When Edward had gotten near the shore, he unsheathed his sword and thrust it up in the air. Many soldiers from his boat were soon around him, waiting for the signal to charge. Then they heard it, horns blowing all around them.

    “A sword for the Lord, and for Richard!” yelled Edward as he pointed his sword at the enemy and charged at them.

    He continued his charge and swerved his head to the right as an arrow sped past him. He heard the scream of the unfortunate man behind him who could not dodge the arrow in time. But Edward could not afford to turn around and see if the soldier was all right. He had a job to do, and he nothing was going to stop him. But it did make him uneasy, like he could have done something to save the man. There was no time for reflection though, because a Cypriot sword was swinging at his head.

    Edward reflexively parried the attack, and silently vowed to not get distracted like that again, for it could cost him his life next time. He then jabbed his shield into his foe, and then stabbed his blade into the enemy’s chest.

    “One down and a whole lot to go,” thought Edward as he struck down another Cypriot.

    He kept his onslaught going as he pushed the enemy’s line further back in an attempt to break through and hopefully cause a rout. But looking around at how the battle was progressing, it was not he that would start the Cypriot retreat. King Richard himself was in the middle of battle, and then number of enemies that lie slain around him was dampening the morale of the soldiers of Cyprus. Soon those soldiers near him started to back away, and were pushed backwards even further by the English forces. But once King Richard cut down the Cypriot banner carrier and threw the flag to the ground did the retreat start.

    Edward heard shouts of triumph from the soldiers behind him, and he beckoned them onward: “Drive them back! Fight with all your might! For England!”

    The enemies around him fled, and Edward was about to pursue them when something else caught his eye. He saw Scott, who had attempted to steal Edward’s belongings on the boat, surrounded by Cypriots. Edward’s first thought was to leave him there to his own fate, but then his conscience got the better of him so he ran over to save his fellow Englishman.

    Scott was fighting for his life against a group of around ten Cypriots. His sword was moving around like lighting, trying to open a hole in the enemy’s formation that he could get out of. Edward pulled a throwing knife out and hurled it at a soldier, hitting him right in the back and killing him.

“I guess all that practice came in handy,” thought Edward as he aimed, fired, and killed another enemy with another throwing knife.

Even with two men down, the Cypriots were determined to kill Scott, and now Edward as well. The biggest soldier in the group, most likely the commander, swung his weapon in what would soon be a killing blow. But by swinging slowly and savoring the moment, he allowed Edward enough time to grab his last knife and lob it with all his might. The knife hit the commander in his sword hand wrist, which resulted in the commander dropping his sword and clutching the wounded hand with his left one.

Scott saw the opportunity, and did not hesitate. His sword quickly put the commander out of his misery, and then moved on to parry the unrelenting attacks from the other Cypriot soldiers. Edward was soon in the midst of the adversaries like a wolf among sheep. He fought with so fiercely that the remaining few foes turned and fled.

“ It was nice of you to help, but I don’t think I really needed it,” said Scott, kneeling because he was winded and had a gruesome gash on his right leg.

“I strive to help even the odds. Ten on one isn’t very fair,” responded Edward, who was out of breath but not wounded.

“Why did you help me even though I attempted to take your belongings on the boat?” pondered Scott, bandaging his wound with some cloth.

“No one deserves to die like that, especially a fellow Englishman. I lament all of the death that happens in war, especially when it is by my hand. But then you remember what you are fighting for, and all the remorse turns to determination,” wholeheartedly responded Edward.

“I’ll keep that in mind. I hate being saved by others, and hate even more owing them for it. But it is against my honor not to pay up. If I ever see you in trouble, I will help you, but not because I like you,” gruffly replied Scott.

“In time you will see that you need some allies at least on the field of battle. I just hope you don’t realize it too late,” responded a frustrated Edward.

Edited September 27, 2006 by Dorkthehunter

[Mikan Cyclone]

Pretty good.  THough you suffer from one thing I used to suffer with- Paragraphing.  Hit enter after a while to make it more readable.  Trust me, it helps.

[Dorkthehunter]

Pretty good.  THough you suffer from one thing I used to suffer with- Paragraphing.  Hit enter after a while to make it more readable.  Trust me, it helps.

 

If you read it double spaced on Microsoft Word, with tabs and such, it looks better. I guess it didn't copy paste correctly. I'll fix that. 

[Dorkthehunter]

Alright. I am reposting the beginning of this, as the first few posts all have weird symbols on them. It needs some cleaning up still, so maybe someone can shed some advice on how to better it.

 

PART I: THE TOURNAMENT

   Clang!

 

  Edward was locked in an epic duel against his father. He was 19 years old and lived in Canterbury, England. His father was an excellent metal maker, one of the best in all of England.  When the swordsman was young, he would go to the blacksmith that had been run by his family for generations and eventually he would have to run. Edward would watch his father work what seemed like magic on the swords he was making.  The swords, when held barely at the handle were perfectly straight, and didn’t bend. When his father finished with his work, he would give sword-fighting lessons to Edward. His father, Sir William of Canterbury, was a famed war hero of England and after his father’s death, resigned from the military and came home to run the family business. The then young William married Elizabeth, a longtime friend and soon after became a father. The child was named Edward after William’s deceased father. He enrolled his son into one of the better schools in England, and it was quickly realized by all that William’s warrior genes had been passed on to his son. He quickly rose to the top of the class in all classes involving sword fighting. With some additional help from his father, Edward had grown up to become one of the most promising soldiers of the ages according to those around him. Edward showed this skill as he spun around to parry one of his father’s attacks.

 

“Quick, but not quite quick enough” said Edward’s father as he stabbed with his sword.

 

Edward ducked in time to dodge the attack, but his father spun the sword around into a right stab. Edward parried the attack, but then his father faked left, faked right, and then stabbed straight. Edward wasn’t prepared for this, and got hit in the chest.

 

“You have to be quick all the time, not just some of the times,” gruffly said Edward’s father, “I have given you the knowledge that you need to succeed, but it is up to you to apply that knowledge to every moment of every battle. Messing up once in a war could cost you your life. You have to concentrate, Edward!”

 

“Yes, father. I will try harder,” responded a dejected Edward. He wanted his father to be satisfied. William was always proud that his son had developed into a fine warrior, but demanded that the moves that Edward learned would become reflex so he could succeed in battle. Even as good as he was, Edward could not always meet such high expectations.

 

“Trying harder isn’t the solution. It’s having something to fight for that gives the motivation. In a war, fighting for those you love will unlock all the skills that you have and then some.”

Edited November 29, 2006 by Dorkthehunter