Star Wars: The Untitled Fanfiction (working title)

[Fun-We]

Well this the prologue of my fan fiction. Posted below is the first draft. I would greatly appreciate any feedback.

 

Snow. Kaan despised snow, especially when he had to command an army of clones, reinforced by heavy stumbling AT-TEs to outflank and defeat a mechanised army of droids. Kaan thought of how simple it would be for the Confederacy technicians to lead their army, just pressing a button to activate each droid regiment and letting them run blindly into battle shooting anything and everything that got in their way.

 

It had been three months since the terrible Battle of Geonosis that started the clone wars. It had been the end of many of the Jedi Order, and he could still smell the foul stench of the blaster bolt scorched corpses of his fellow Jedi in the air. Kaan despised war then and he still despised it now.

 

He sensed a new presence in the area; he turned to see his commander, Clone Commander 9192 or simply Commander Tel. “General, the droid army is in full retreatâ€

[Stellar_Magic]

Well, you write about like I did a couple of years ago. Your primary problem seems to be overcompression. It's highly paced but lacks imagery and description. You tell instead of show.

 

Another thing, and this goes for most everyone who's posted a fanfiction. When you right dialogue remember that whenever you change whose speaking thats its a new paragraph. Thats a convention in writting and helps to seperate characters and eliminate confusion over whats said.

 

For example:

 

Bad:

TK-1138 glanced at his fellow squad mate, "Another drill?" TK-1965 nodded, "Yep, thats the third one this week." Six-five sighed, "What can we do? The commander wants us sharp."

 

Good:

TK-1138 glanced at his fellow squad mate, "Another drill?"

 

TK-1965 nodded, "Yep, thats the third one this week." Six-five sighed stretching the ceramic plates across his chest, "What can we do? The commander wants us sharp."

 

Doesn't the second one seem clearer and more descriptive then the first?

[Fun-We]

Thankyou for that. I will fix that up. Imagery and description is something I am not sure how to do in a Star Wars fan fiction as I am used to writing Bond. (which really is quite often from either a sexual or murderous point of view) I will work on it.

[Tyranus_pff]

Well, going on the quality of your James Bond work I've seen over at MI6, and seeing as I LOVE the extract above, all I can say is keep it up! I'm glad you've posted alongside me here to keep me company!

[Darkmark]

I agree with Stellar that the layout needs work, but then again most all online fiction avoids normal convention. Usually typed word is double spaced fr paragraphs, as you do, and new line (only single line space) for a new speaker.

 

I assume you are American Stellar, so I know layout conventions we know are bound to differ slightly between us. I guess the single line speaker one is one of those differences between English and American English layouts. Like starting a sentence with 'And' )

 

It felt very paced for not a great deal happening. You get the impression that every other paragrah the point of view has changed, or that we've moved on. While I know this isn't strictly the case, being able to expand upon the small events might help to make it feel less rushed. I've got to commend you for going for something very action oriented, so it would be natural to move on from one event to another quickly. Try to stick on one area for a little longer descibing as many small details before advancing on to the next.

 

You use a whole load of paragraphs when you really don't need to break it up so much. For example the first two paragraphs could easily be one, and it would flow much better. A new paragraph breaks the reader's attention, so by breaking so often you lose some of the attention that you build up in each section.

 

Also when you do create a new paragrah, don't always spit it up in terms of story. The bit where Cess notices Dooku, then Kaan lands sticks in my mind. After the main paragrah ends there's one short paragrah followed by another, when they could just be one. Try to think of it written as one paragragh, so events are seen to happen from both perspectives. By using the short sentence to start the paragrapgh "Count Dooku." it gives a good punch to the piece, but it doesn't really need it at that point. Try explaining what is going on, show what Cess is thinking perhaps. Then followed up by a recognition, and the punch has reason and breaks mid paragraph instead, so that attention isn't lost so much.

 

Again, with Stellar on the showing-telling. A lot of the time here you are telling, when showing would be so much more valuable given the active nature of the piece. I'll try and give an example.

 

"Kaan veered to the left rotating his fighter 360 degrees firing his dual laser cannons at a droid starfighter pursuing a LAAT/i. The unshielded, unmanned starfighter exploded with ease. Kaan smoothly guided his fighter to a higher..."

 

You tell what he does, then tell what he does. If you can try to show what's happening, the detail at the time, it could really help. it would also slow down the pace of the piece so things don't feel so rushed.

 

Your writing of speech is good. Apart from the layout, it generally works well. There are some instances I would have changed, but overall it's not bad.

 

I'll say again, what I say isn't meant to be taken badly, it's just to help you work upon. I do hope it helps.

[Fun-We]

Thanks I have been working on editing it today. Tyranus/The Rogue Agent I sincerely hope that you have not been harmed by the bombings

[Tyranus_pff]

Thanks I have been working on editing it today. Tyranus/The Rogue Agent I sincerely hope that you have not been harmed by the bombings

It came close. I heard three of the explosions, and for an hour I helped emergency services sort out the mess at Kings Cross... the least I could do. Nobody from my family, nor any of my friends, were hurt. Thanks for your concern.

[Fun-We]

Okay this actually is a rather small portion, it still needs a lot of work but I have edited about half the prologue and added a bit more material to it. I welcome your harsh and critical feedback.

 

Snow. Kaan despised snow, especially when he had to command an army of clones, reinforced by heavy stumbling AT-TEs to outflank and defeat a mechanised army of droids. Kaan thought of how simple it would be for the Confederacy technicians to lead their army, just pressing a button to activate each droid regiment and letting them run blindly into battle shooting anything and everything that got in their way. It had been three months since the terrible Battle of Geonosis that started the clone wars. It had been the end of many of the Jedi Order, and he could still smell the foul stench of the blaster bolt scorched corpses of his fellow Jedi in the air. Kaan despised war then and he still despised it now.

 

He sensed a new presence in the area; he turned to see his main commander, Clone Commander 9192 or simply known as Commander Tel, the man was encased in a suit of white armour yellow markings appeared on the shoulder plates, helmet, forearms and the small plates of armour on his hands indicated his rank as Commander, if it wasn’t for the slight nodding of his head when he talked, the clone could easily be passed off as a type of battle droid. “Commander, prepare the troops to return the Genesis.â€

[Tyranus_pff]

That's fantastic stuff, Fun-We. I like the fact that you've kept that opening about snow and the impact it has on the war, because it really draws you in. It's nice and tight now, and if it's possible, I like it even more!

[Fun-We]

I can see your avatar now!

[Tyranus_pff]

I can see your avatar now!

Hurrah! And the new signature image?

[Fun-We]

Yeh that too.

[Fun-We]

Okay well here is the full second draft of the Prologue. Feedback is very welcome.

 

Snow. Kaan despised snow, especially when he had to command an army of clones, reinforced by heavy stumbling AT-TEs to outflank and defeat a mechanised army of droids. Kaan thought of how simple it would be for the Confederacy technicians to lead their army, just pressing a button to activate each droid regiment and letting them run blindly into battle shooting anything and everything that got in their way. It had been three months since the terrible Battle of Geonosis that started the clone wars. It had been the end of many of the Jedi Order, and he could still smell the foul stench of the blaster bolt scorched corpses of his fellow Jedi in the air. Kaan despised war then and he still despised it now.

 

He sensed a new presence in the area; he turned to see his main commander, Clone Commander 9192 or simply known as Commander Tel, the man was encased in a suit of white armour yellow markings appeared on the shoulder plates, helmet, forearms and the small plates of armour on his hands indicated his rank as Commander, if it wasn’t for the slight nodding of his head when he talked, the clone could easily be passed off as a type of battle droid. “Commander, prepare the troops to return the Genesis.â€

[Tyranus_pff]

That's it, that's brilliant, you've got it! Save it, that's your final version!

[Fun-We]

I still want to do another one or two sweeps but I will do that after I complete the entire story. Right now I need to do some major editing of the first chapter.

[Cain]

I still want to do another one or two sweeps but I will do that after I complete the entire story. Right now I need to do some major editing of the first chapter.

 

 

... still in production ?! When it is ready?

[Star Wars Man]

There is no emotion; there is peace.

There is no ignorance; there is knowledge.

There is no passion; there is serenity.

There is no chaos; there is harmony.

There is no death; there is the force.

 

lol your signature, isn't that from KoToR? I got, like 3 wrong. The Sith code is...I forget. Oh, well.

[Foshjedi2004]

That is the Jedi Code. The Sith code is the antethis of the jedi code.

[Star Wars Man]

That is the Jedi Code. The Sith code is the antethis of the jedi code.

 

That's what it is. Anyone else play/played KOTOR 1 and/or 2?

[Ghostly_Substance]

Sith Code:

 

Peace is a lie

There is only passion

Through passion I gain strength

Through strength I gain power

Through power I gain victory

Through victory my chains are broken

The Force shall set me free

 

 

and Jedi code

 

There is no emotion; there is peace.

There is no ignorance; there is knowledge.

There is no passion; there is serenity.

There is no death; there is the Force.

[Star Wars Man]

Sith Code:

 

Peace is a lie

There is only passion

Through passion I gain strength

Through strength I gain power

Through power I gain victory

Through victory my chains are broken

The Force shall set me free

 

 

and Jedi code

 

There is no emotion; there is peace.

There is no ignorance; there is knowledge.

There is no passion; there is serenity.

There is no death; there is the Force.

 

So I'm guessing you play the game?

[Ghostly_Substance]

I played KOTOR up to Tatooine. Then I somehow lost interest in it.