joke

[DarthTofu]

One of the funniest riddle jokes I've ever heard. If you know the answer because you've heard the joke before, don't post it, but until then let's see if anyone can get it. The riddle is: What do you call an African American flying a plane?

 

P.S. I promise, there is nothing offensive in the joke, so please don't use any degrading names as answers.

[bobandrubert]

I don't know but what do you call a buff african-american. Arnold swachanegro. (got this off of fresh Prince)

[Mad78]

Absolutely no idea!

[DarthTofu]

You guys have to actually guess, even if you don't think its right, go for it. You might be surprised.

[Mad78]

a Trans continental flyer?

[DarthTofu]

A pilot, you racist! It works much better in real life than if you're reading it. GO up to a group of friends and ask them the same joke. Always good.

[Mad78]

I shall try it.

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What a stupid joke.

[Trejiuvanat]

And we had to have a whole new topic for this?

[Mad78]

I guess we should each post a joke then.

Me starts:

An idiot goes to Amsterdam and while he is walking through the Red light district he gets to see on of the cabins in which he sees a somptuous lady.

He walks up to the cabin and knocks on the window.

"How much?"

"30 Euros." answers the young lady

The idiot with an amazed look then says:

"30 Euros! Core, that ain't expensive for double shielded glass!"

 

***Mad steps back several paces and waits for a reaction***

[DarthTofu]

Umm, I think that either this is a European joke or else you screwed it up royally. The one I heard involves an idiot driving on the highway when he sees the woman, asks her how much and how long, then says, "Okay, I'll go get the soap and a bucket to help you out" since he's assuming she'll wash his windows as opposed to having sex with him.

 

Here's a good short one: Three guys walk into a bar. One ducks.

[Mad78]

Where do you find the biggest Spiders?

On the worldwide web

[DarthTofu]

Where do you find the biggest Spiders?

On the worldwide web

 

*Groans* How 'bout this one? A naked priest, three nuns, a Rabbi, and a talking lama walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them all and says, "What is this, a joke?"

 

Or perhaps this: A fried egg, two strips of bacon, a piece of toast, and a glass of orange juice walk into a bar.

 

"Bartender!" Yells the egg, "Get us five cold ones!"

 

The Bartender looks them over and says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

 

Or even: There's a farmer who breeds donkeys in Kansas. One day he notices a particularly intelligent donkey. Remembering horses that were taught to find different colors and to add and subtract, he goes a step further, teaching it to multiply and divide. Astounded by this donkey's mental capacity he sells his farm and all of his other donkeys to buy a tent go on tour with the circus. Despite his elaborate tent and genius donkey, no one comes to see him and the farmer is left broke with nothing but the donkey. Thus he learned the hard way that nobody likes a smart ass.

[Mad78]

Even groans cannot express my feelings towards those jokes.

[Trejiuvanat]

An idiot walks into a store, goes to the clerk and points to a TV.

 

"How much for the TV?"

 

The clerk looks at what the idiot is pointing and starts screaming at him. "Get lost you idiot! We don't sell to folks like you!" And kicks him out of the store.

 

The idiot really wants to buy a TV, and he wants that TV. So he goes and dresses up as an Arab. Disguised he enters the store again and is confronted by the same clerk.

 

"Good Morning, kind sir. How much for the TV?"

 

The clerk stares at him. "IT's you again! I told you: GET LOST!" And kicks him out of the store again.

 

The idiot obsessed with the TV, goes and disguises himself as a chinese, while with makeup and everything.

 

"Good molning, how much fol the TV?"

 

The Clerk immediately starts to yell at him. "Get your a$$ out of here, you idiot! I've warned you!"

 

The idiot tries to stop him. "Hey, but what's wrong? I only want to know how much that TV costs!"

 

"You idiot! That isn't a TV, it's a Microwave Oven!"

[DarthTofu]

Even groans cannot express my feelings towards those jokes.

 

That about does it here, too Okay, mayhaps this. Its supposed to be done with the names of three people you dislike. Just to be random, I'll select three people from the Forums: DarthTex, Mad78, Trejiuvanat (Primarily 'cause the later two are participating this).

 

Okay, so there's a meeting where we all meet eachother. On that little island in the middle of the Carribean like we discussed. Trej, Mad, and Tex are the only ones there for some reason. I probably showed up, stole their money and boats and left. Who knows? Anyway, the three are sitting around when the giant meteor that we have been discussing smashes into earth. Right on that little island. Killing all three of them.

 

So all three go up to Heaven (I'm not abandoning my lack of belief: Merely making a joke). St. Peter greets them and says, "Hello, welcome to Heaven..." and several other little formal nifty things I shall ommit. He then adds at the end "You can do whatever you like here, provided you do not kick a chicken." All three essentially ask what he's talking about, and he just repeats himself.

 

The three step through the gates and find heaven to be a wonderful place, but that it is lightly dotted with chickens for some reason. For a year Tex and Trej are both very careful to avoid kicking chickens when one day they happen upon Mad sitting on a bench chained to a truly disgusting woman roughly the size of Texas with moles, warts, drool, the works. Trej asks what happened and Mad sighs and says, "Well, I was just walking along one day when I realized how much I missed soccer. I saw a chicken and for some reason I thought it was a soccer ball, so I kicked it and now I'm stuck like this.

 

Tex mentions that he would rather prefer Hell to such a fate, and so he goes on being very careful to avoid the chickens when he encounters Trej chained to a woman twice as ugly as the one Mad is chained to. "What happened to you?" asks Tex. Trej swears and mentions something about a dare from Jahled who has now apparently moved on from hating kittens to hating chickens or something. Tex, confused as to how the two communicated across the void, wanders along and remains looking much the same as he did on Earth, and is very careful to avoid the chickens. Finally, after ten years he's walking along when St. Peter shows up and chains Cindy Crawford to him. Tex is amazed and asks "Wow, what on Earth did I do to diserve this?"

 

Cindy Crawford looks at him and says "I don't know about you, but I kicked a chicken." Sorry, Tex. I had to get something back at you for that annoying story about having your way with a cow or whatever. Really got confused on that one... Wow, that was one hell'uva post....

[Krytos]

Not bad Tofu (the last one at least, the others don't deserve mention ), though a bit long.

 

Nice jokes Mad and Trej

[Mad78]

That is stupid Tofu.

My turn

 

An Australian farmer goes to visit his cousin who is also a farmer but in Switzerland.

When he gets there the swiss farmer shows him his farm which is all neat and cosy. With six cows who each have their own name plate and all.

He then shows the property.

"So you see my land goes from that tree there to the river at the other end of the field there." boast the swiss

Over the lack of enthusiasme of the aussie he asks

"Whats wrong?"

"Well you see back in Australia, I get up in the morning I take my car and I drive all day and i get to one end of my land. The day after i take my car and i drive all day and i get to the other end... You understand."

The swiss nods

"Yeah i get it... I used to have a car like that."

[DarthTofu]

That is stupid Tofu.

My turn

 

An Australian farmer goes to visit his cousin who is also a farmer but in Switzerland.

When he gets there the swiss farmer shows him his farm which is all neat and cosy. With six cows who each have their own name plate and all.

 

Cow name plates? Did they get their own offices as well?

 

Okay...Time for a new joke... *Reaches for Reader's Digest which has given him past material*

 

Here we are: I was standing in the park one day wondering why frizbees seemed to get bigger and bigger the closer they got to you. Then it hit me.

 

Or the ever old (And unpopular): "My friend has a dog with no nose."

"Really? How does he smell?"

(All together, now)"TERRIBLE "

 

And to end things on a semi good note: The pope is getting in his car to head for a chapel when he asks the chauffer to let him drive there. The chaeffer is curious, but says "Hey, its the pope, I won't contradict him".

 

The Pope takes off like a rocket, swerving in and out of traffic and turning the car up on two wheels, ect. As he's going along the highway a cop pulls him over. The pope rolls down the window tot alk to him and the officer is a bit confused and scared. He turns on his radio and starts talks to his headquarters.

 

"Hey, what do we do if we pull over some one important?"

"Well who did you pull over?"

"I mean some one Really, Really important?"

"For cryin' out loud, who did you pull over?!"

"I don't know! But the pope is his chauffer!"

[Mad78]

How stupid

 

An idiot goes to the doctor

"Doctor!!! Where i poke myself it hurts."

"I know whats wrong with you. Your finger is broken."

 

 

A secret commando lands on the island of Crete.

THe Commander: "Here we are lads, we're on Crete."

Soldier: "Core this beach is hard."

the Commander: "Well then we must be on concrete!"

 

TADAAA

[DarthTofu]

...I hope you die cold, miserable, and lonly for that joke before burning in eternal hellfire. You guys seem to have taken all of America's blond jokes and turned them into idiot jokes.

 

Okay, hows this?

 

An idiot walks into a bar and sits next to an attractive woman. He leans over and asks, "Hey, want to hear a funny blond joke?"

Offended, she slaps him and says, "Hey, pal, I'm a blond and I work for a chemical company. You see that girl in the booth over there? She's a blond and an Olympic competitor. And ou see that girl? She..." The woman continues in this manner for several minutes, finally ending with "So, do you still want to tell that blond joke?"

The idiot mulls it over for a bit, then finally says, "Nope, not if I have to explain it that many times."

 

An irish man goes to the doctor compllaining about a terrible ear-ache. The doctor looks in the Irish man's ear and pulls out a one-dollar bill. He reaches in again and pulls out a five dollar bill, continuing in the manner until he has pulled out $1,999.99.

Upon seeing this the Irish man sighs and says "Ah. I knew I wasn't feelin' too grand." (Get it? Two grand? Too grand? Its a play on words...)

[Mad78]

That second one must be onr of the worst jokes i have ever heard in my life.

I wish that your balls be eaten by a rabbid hamster for having made such a dumb joke

[DarthTex]

You might be a redneck Jedi Knight if...

 

1.) Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.

2.) You use your lightsaber to open a non-twist-off bottle of Bud.

3.) There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.

4.) You use your lightsaber to pick your teeth.

5.) At least one section of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.

6.) You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

7.) You can't describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word chicken.

8.) You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.

9.) You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.

10.) A peaceful meditation is one without gas.

11.) You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.

12.) Your master/mentor ever said "Hey, pull my finger..."

13.) Your X-wing is up on blocks in your front yard.

14.) You lost a hand during a lightsaber fight because you had to spit.

15.) The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

16.) Wookies are offended by your B.O.

17.) You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

18.) You use your lightsaber to clean fish.

19.) Your father said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side... it'll be a hoot."

20.) You use your R-2 unit's self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

21.) The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it.

22.) You have a stuffed womp rat over your fireplace.

23.) You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

24.) You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag.

25.) More than half the droids you own don't function.

26.) The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q.

27.) You wonder why Luke and Leia never got married.

28.) You used a carbon-freezing chamber to store the 78 Wampas you shot while on vacation on Hoth.

29.) Your moonshine is really made on the moon.

30.) You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket.

31.) Sandpeople back down from your mama.

32.) You've ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DUI.

33.) You've ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent.

34.) You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.

35.) You've ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid.

36.) A Wookie has told you that you need to shave.

37.) You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while lighting a cigarette with your lightsaber.

38.) You don't think the Ewoks are primitive.

39.) You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow.

40.) You don't think Jabba's pig guards have a hygiene problem.

41.) You consider your lightsaber the ultimate bug zapper.

42.) The Rancor monster refused to eat you.

43.) You discover that your greatest enemy is, in fact, your father, who also happens to be your brother...

[Mad78]

Where did you find those Tex?

[DarthTofu]

Personally I use my lightsaber to trim the hedges.

[DarthTex]

Someone sent me the redneck Jedi stuff a couple of years ago. I stumbled across it (found it again) looking for a joke to post.

 

 

Texan Soldier

 

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune,

 

"One Texan soldier is better than ten Taliban soldiers!"

 

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers Over the dune whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

 

The voice then calls out,

 

"One Texan soldier is better than one hundred Taliban soldiers!"

 

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

 

The Texan voice calls out again,

 

"One Texan soldier is better than one thousand Taliban soldiers!"

 

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters And sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket, and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,

 

"Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There is two of them!!"