Star Wars: Life in the War

[AdmiralToguroAni]

It was a dark and smoggy day in Coruscant. Then again, it was ALWAYS a dark and smoggy day in Courscant thanks to all the pollution on the city-planet. Today was slightly smoggier than usual, however...a sign of the troubled times to come or perhaps the stormtroopers were too busy foiling rebel espionage missions to enforce pollution laws. Across the busy highway is the Imperial Palace, home of Emperor Palpatine.

 

But we're not going to go there right now. Instead, we look at "Mount Palpatine", which is the tallest mountain on the planet, standing at approximately 200 feet above sea level (assuming that Coruscant HAD a sea, which it doesn't). All of the planet's true mountains had been flattened for building efforts, so the Empire had to make do with what they had. Mount Palpatine had a GenCore level 1 shield generator on it that was steadfastly defending Coruscant from such evils as Republic Bulk Cruisers and Medium Transports. We're in luck, because today, they are giving tours of the facilities. Let's meet our tour guide, TK-1337. TK-1337 has been giving tours of the GenCore facility for years, and he's proud of his job. If it were not for him, people wouldn't realize that the shield existed, let alone how it was built! Thats right, TK-1337 has studied the shields and can tell interested tourists everything about them, including why their control panel must be protected from rain, snow, or thermal detonators due to weak armor plating! Without TK-1337, the world would be a much more ignorant place. Let's start the tour:

 

TK-1337 (to a bunch of tourists): "Move along."

 

The tourists comply, moving along with the tour. Two people, a scruffy man with a small moustache and a woman who TK-1337 thought sort of looked like Admiral Daala, seemed particularly interested.

 

Tourist (pointing to a room): "Are those the bathrooms?"

 

TK-1337: "These aren't the rooms you're looking for."

 

Tourist with moustache: "Zo, you haff told me dat dhe zhield has a bombardment defense value uff 40, no?"

 

TK-1337: "Yes, sir. Nothing could get through this shield except a swarm of Y-wings!"

 

Tourist with moustache: "How many Y-wings, do you theenk?"

 

TK-1337: "Oh, about 20 Squadrons, I'd say. Why?"

 

Tourist with moustache: "Just vundereeng."

 

TK-1337: "Glad to help."

 

Female Tourist that looks like Daala: "This is such an advanced facility! And you say that this whole thing is controlled by one teeny tiny control panel?"

 

TK-1337: "Yep. We learned that trick from the Trade Federation and their droid control ships! Their rule was "Always put all of your eggs into one basket"--its a code that the Empire has followed since day one!"

 

The two tourists look at each other flatly.

 

Female Tourist: "Thats such a wonderful plan! Could I see this control panel? It sounds fascinating!"

 

TK-1337: "Well, I suppose...but dont touch it!"

 

Female Tourist: "I won't.....(snicker)."

 

TK-1337 leads them to the control panel, as the two tourists silently activate their alliance-grade thermal detonators.....

 

Meanwhile in Palpy's palace, we find the Emperor looking over his legions of loyal stormtroopers from a catwalk several meters above them. Just them, General Grammel runs in, excitedly

 

Grammel (concerned and loud): "Emperor Palpatine, Emperor Palpatine, are you HERE?"

 

Palpatine looks silently on at the Stormtroopers and waves his hand, acknowledging Grammel.

 

Grammel (still concerned and loud): "Emperor Palpatine, Emperor Palpatine, can you HEAR?"

 

Palpatine looks angrily over at Grammel "Yes I can hear you fool! Now explain your presence or else you will find my rage..."shocking"!"

 

Grammel (worried): "Yes, Emperor Palpatine! It appears that the rebels are....on the move."

 

Palpatine: "Yes....all is as I have foreseen it."

 

Grammel: "Should we do something about it, Emperor Palpatine?"

 

Palpatine: "If you must. How do their forces number?"

 

Grammel: "They have amassed an army of five Bulk Cruisers on the planet of Byss, in the Farfin sector!"

 

Palpatine: I KNOW WHERE BYSS IS, YOU IDIOT! Do the words "Spaarti Cloning Facilities" mean anything to you?

 

Grammel: "I thought the Kaminoans were the cloners now."

 

Palpatine: "Oh right, they are. Okay then. We need to create a force strong enough to defeat five Bulk Cruisers. One Carrack should be suffient."

 

Grammel: "Yes sir, Emperor Palpatine!"

 

Grammel hurries off to fight the less-than-terrifying forces of the Rebel Alliance. Palpatine goes back to looking at his troops. Soon, Vader walks in.

 

Vader: "My Lord...Skywalker will be turned to the Dark Side soon. He will betray his pitiful rebellion, and they will be forced to retire him. It is then that we will recruit him to our cause!"

 

Palpatine: "Excellent. Just be careful not to get stuck on a planet that he's bombarding. He will hunt you down and run away, gaining more power every time he does so!"

 

Vader: "I will be careful to avoid that. If I see him, I'll cut off his hand or something."

 

Palpatine: "Excellent. I've been testing the various Orders that Count Dooku infused in these clones when he gave the Kaminoans orders to build them."

 

Vader: "You mean like the Jedi-killing "Order 66"?"

 

Immediately, all the stormtroopers look up and start firing at Palpatine and Vader, who quickly duck down.

 

Palpatine: "YOU IDIOT! (Now I need new diapers). UN-ORDER 66! UN-ORDER 66!!!!"

 

The Stormtroopers return to normal.

 

Vader: "Sorry, my lord."

 

Palpatine: "Its...okay, my middle-aged Apprentice. Oddly, I found some very weird commands that Dooku put in. Watch this: Execute Order 1970!"

 

The Stormtroopers break out into disco dancing.

 

Vader: ".......I don't feel so bad about killing him, now."

 

Palpatine: "Its still not as disturbing as this: Execute Order 68!"

 

Stormtroopers: "ALL HAIL LORD SARUMAN!"

 

Vader: "Who is Lord Saruman?"

 

Palpatine: "I have no idea..."

 

Vader: "Lets try the next one. Execute Order 69!"

 

And with that, we'll leave Palpatine and Vader to find out what exactly Order 69 was. Will the rebel infiltrators destroy TK-1337's shield generator? Will Grammel amass that carrack cruiser he needs to destroy the rebel fleet? Will Palpy get a change of diapers? Find out next time on Star Wars: Life in the War!

 

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This was a very fictionalized version of a situation when rebel saboteurs went for my shields (I won't tell you if they succeeded) and at the same time I had to get rid of a fleet of rebels amassing elsewhere in my less-than-defended Farfin sector. As for the Stormtroopers, well...they never see any action and just camp around on Coruscant with Palpy all day. I figure he has to keep himself amused somehow.[/i]

[kaja]

Hahahahahaha.....

That's funny. Good jokes.

[Krytos]

That was awesome AdmiralToguroAni, can't wait for the next instalment

[Eko]

Lol, great. Although order 69 was perhaps a step too far...

 

NOnetheless ready for the next installment!

[Skynxnex]

Hahahaha I read that too and thought it was funny.